I know... To be honest with you, I'm a little disturbed by how quickly I've gotten used to certain aspects of a less urban lifestyle. It really is a nice farm, though!
See you there tonight!!!
[ Location SENT. Curry MADE. Old man date ACQUIRED. ]
[ It is, isn't it? Someone ought to tell the guy who bought it that he's on the same level as a castle owner now. Maybe even worse!
Maruki's not far behind, all too cognizant of someone new arriving on the farm when he isn't there to intercept, and he calls out to Oda from where he's depositing the bag of curry and drinks on one of the picnic tables, which, well–
As soon as Oda's close enough, he'll see that Maruki is a textbook overachiever. Not only is there a bowl of curry rice for Oda, there's also extra containers for him to take back to wherever the hell he's staying and save for later! (The lack of power being an issue did not occur to Maruki!) ]
Ah, I hope it's to your liking! If it's not, please be honest. I'm far from a professional chef and always want feedback to improve my cooking.
[ Have a seat! Have a curry! Have a beer! OH YEAH HE BROUGHT ASAHI. Where'd he get that? Don't worry about it. ]
[Ah. Oda turns when he's called out to, raising a brief hand in greeting, then walking over to the picnic tables. Who the Hell owns this place? It looks like a private park or something.
[The curry looks good. How is he gonna heat it up once he takes it back to that cottage...?]
It feels a little rude to give feedback on a free meal. [He's grateful is all. He starts to go a little insane after too long without his comfort meal - gets thirsty, restless. It's probably what drugs feel like for most people, he thinks.
[He takes a bite. No heat whatsoever...but it's still good. He can't keep the satisfied look from his face, subdued as it is.]
I can't begin to complain. I didn't realize how much I'd missed this. [It's only been a few days...
[Asahi too. He's not normally a beer guy, but the idea that there's something here from home is oddly comforting. Still...
[He holds up the can.]
I wasn't expecting to see this here. How can that be?
Ah, I thought you might like another taste of home! It's kind of a funny story...
[ His own beer cracked open, Maruki knocks his can against Oda's, even if he didn't mean to cheers. It's good manners! ]
I'm not sure if anyone has told you yet, but there's a crystal you can make wishes at, for all manner of things– including electricity, which you should probably do sooner rather than later! But I decided one day to make a vague request of "food from home" [ air quotes and everything, fucking dork ] just to see what happened.
[ A forkful of curry held up for emphasis. ]
It paid off in dividends. I've had a steady supply of ingredients to cook more familiar food with, and the occasional selection of convenience store goods. Isn't that something?
[It's something, alright. Oda eyes the beer can. Drinking and eating things from a magic crystal. It's not the sort of suspicion he's used to confronting...
[Well, Oda really has no reason to trust this guy, but it's just beer and curry, and he's already dead. Despite being cautious (largely due to the nature of his job), he's not a particularly paranoid person.
[So, he opens up the Asahi and takes a sip. It tastes just like home. He looks satisfied.]
It's weird. No offense, but I've never been much into beer. Still, it tastes just like I remember - like I'm sitting in my apartment.
That's more than a little amazing.
[Another thoughtful sip; then:] I've noticed that, by the way. You could probably say that about most places - people being too trusting. I learned an awful lot right away just by reading what people post online. They're awfully forthcoming.
[ A couple spoonfuls of curry, a sip of beer, and then that wildly astute observation that makes Maruki laugh, not entirely kind. ]
You're correct, they are. Especially on a public network of dubious origin. Most people are surprisingly cavalier about what they say, and who they say it to– although, just as you said, that's probably true of most realities.
[ He props an elbow up on the table, rests the cold can of beer against his cheek in the summer evening heat. ]
My reality? [World? Maruki says "reality". That seems more likely, actually. Surely there's an ability user somewhere out there responsible for all this, but, of course, Oda doesn't say anything about that.]
Hm. [How does one describe something second nature?]
That's a difficult question. All I want to say is that it's normal. For me, that's true, but from everything I know, our realities could be entirely different. Maybe yours has giant sea monsters or something. [Not a joke, just an imagination.]
I've been to Tokyo. It's crowded and noisy, but it's nicer than Yokohama, I think. I wake up, make coffee, and go to work. It's not glamarous - mostly errands and favors for the higher-ups. More coffee.
[He sips his beer; holds up the can. Now doesn't feel like the time to confess he's dead.]
And Asahi. Just like this. Who's to say we're not from the same reality?
[ Maruki's already devised half a dozen tests to see if others from Japan are from the same reality. Do you recall any news stories about psychotic breaks? Who was running for Prime Minister? Have you heard of the Phantom Thieves of Hearts? It's quick and easy to weed out.
But with Oda, he only shrugs. ]
I suppose it's possible that we could be. Mine felt fairly normal too. I only ask because there are others here who say they're from Japan, then turn around and tell you, "ah, you know when the demons overran and shut down Tokyo? I was there!"
[ KAZUYA.
He grins, laughs, shrugs. ]
So it's worth asking, to try to catch oddities like that. Some of the stories you'll hear here are unbelievable.
[Demons, huh? In a situation like this, someone else might put on a show to try and cover that the idea of something being called a “demon” really isn’t that out of the ordinary, but Odasaku really isn’t a liar, and he’s definitely not a performer; aside from that, his tone and expression barely change no matter what he’s told anyway. All he really has to do is not say anything he doesn’t want to. He could ask if Maruki has ever heard of the Dragon’s Head Conflict or “rumors” of skill users, but he doesn’t know this guy.
[So he takes that information in thoughtful silence for a moment, demeanor providing no clue as to what he’s thinking. He eats a few more bites of curry, sips his beer, then looks up.]
You’ve been to Shibuya, I’m guessing. Sendagaya Station?
If you take the East exit out of Sendagaya Station, then walk just about two minutes down the road, there’s an old granny that’s been selling rabbit-shaped mochi at a stand for over thirty years. Akabane-san, but, she does ask you to call her Granny once she recognizes you.
If you’re from my reality, and you’ve spent any time at all at Sendagaya Station, you’ve seen Akabane-san.
[ Maruki laughs at that, surprised and a little delighted. It's nothing significant, and that's why it strikes him. To hear those minute, mundane details of someone else's Japan– oh, he loves it.
Unfortunately, though, he has to shake his head. ]
I can't say that I've seen Akabane-san, no. Which sounds like my loss! I've gladly buy bunny mochi from her.
[ He takes a long drink of beer and then smiles at Oda. ]
Different realities, then. I can't say I'm surprised. Still, we're both here now. That's what matters, isn't it?
[Glancing down at his curry, Oda smiles just a tiny bit. It hurts. He didn't buy those bunny mochis for himself. He tries not to think about it. It's impossible not to. He's quite for a long moment, then glances up.]
Maruki gives it long, considerate thought. Oda doesn't seem to mind silences, so he lets one settle for as long as his mind pleases. Then, eventually: ]
Yes and no. Which... well, if you continue to get to know me, you'll find that's my answer to most things.
[ A self-effacing little chuckle. The curry is abandoned for the moment as he props both elbows up on the table to fold his hands together and rest his chin on top of them. ]
Being here has changed me in ways that I simply don't think would have been possible back home. Some of the people I've met... I have a difficult time imagining my life without them now, in any reality. And that includes someone who is from my same Tokyo! We never would have had reason to meet there, but here he's become so important to me that I can't imagine how we'll ever go back to our separate lives.
[ He tips his head to one side then, as if conceding to the opposite viewpoint. ]
That said, we will. We must. I value the bonds I've forged here, but no, I'm not glad that I was brought to a volatile reality to have my memories and dreams manipulated by an unseen force. I resent anything done to me against my will, and I very much include being contracted by a wish in that.
[ A beat, and then she shrugs. ]
My apologies for rambling on. It's an interesting question.
[Oda might consider himself to be a "yes and no" person too, though he doesn't say so. He gets it, though. They've been trapped in a shitty situation, and, quite frankly, even someone trapped in a less shitty situation would still be trapped, right?
[Yeah. He gets it.]
I get it. Your reasoning makes sense on both sides. Considering everyone here is trapped...
I'd say something like that would make those bonds even more remarkable, in ways. Like inmates in a prison.
Still. Eventually, the people who serve their sentence will leave that prison. Anyone who stays remains living in another world entirely. That's just how it is.
[ Inmates in a prison. That's a new one. An apt description, too, especially when it comes to those who choose to remain. Everyone is allowed to make their own decisions, live with those consequences, but Maruki cannot ever imagine willingly subjecting himself to a reality as manipulative as this one. Even for those to whom the alternative is death...
He hums thoughtfully as he digs back into the curry. ]
That is just how it is. Of course, we have no way of knowing when our sentence is up, so to speak...
[ His eyes lift then, watching Oda carefully. ]
What about you? I know that it's all still new, but are you glad to be here?
Hm. [Oda takes another bite, thoughtful as he chews.]
I guess that's a bit of a complicated question. Both parts of my answer feel selfish.
[Asahi break. He eventually sets the beer and the utensil down and looks eye-to-eye at Maruki. There's really no point in being dishonest. Oda isn't used to talking about such significant things - not with friends, and not with near-strangers - but he doesn't mind it, really. It's not like any of what he's saying is particularly privileged, it's just...not normally what someone would bother asking him.
[Aside from that, they're all in the same (supposedly shitty) situation. Everyone here could probably afford a confidant or two.]
There's a person in this world whom I thought I would never see again. I'm happy to be with my friend. I can't deny that at all, and I wouldn't want to.
That being said, I've heard about the sort of things that can happen in this place, and I'm not particularly happy about being an "inmate," so to speak. [Air quotes.]
Captivity isn't the life I want, but I can't deny the benefits, either. It's complex.
You've hit on another one of those complicating factors. Friends and loved ones are reunited all the time here. For some, returning to their original reality means returning to a life without that person... or to their own death, knowing that the other will be left without them.
[ He makes a vague weighty gesture with his free hand. ]
Is it better to be captive with people you've missed, or to be free and alone or worse? The answer varies for each person, and even when they choose one, there are bits of the other that are still appealing. Generally, I think it's best to make the most of the time afforded to us here, even for those of us who are trying to leave.
[ Another spoonful of curry and he quickly waves that hand through the air, apologetic. ]
But I digress. There's someone else from your reality here? And a friend, too – that's a huge help!
[None of this is anything that Oda hasn't already privately confronted a thousand times. He has a soul that yearns for freedom. That's probably always been true. It hasn't been enough, though, and Oda never truly fought for the freedom he wanted - not until he was pushed past the point of no return, and the freedom he found there, well...
[False, naturally. Why would he start fighting a war now that he never did before? It feels hypocritical.
[That being said, some things have changed since he left the world he was born into. He's traded one enslavement for another, but that isn't insignificant. He is not in the Port Mafia anymore.
[And he doesn't want to be an inmate again. More than that...
[He nods once.]
There is. And I'd like for him not to be an inmate either, I think. [Would Dazai hate Odasaku for, in this, selecting the path that separates them?
[Maybe. He doesn't know. It doesn't change how he feels.]
It's a good answer, in my opinion. If he's half as thoughtful as you, I hope I'm able to meet him soon.
[ A bit of pleasant silence as they both eat and drink, comfortable for a time before Maruki, ever the talker, has to break it. ]
Can I ask you about that story you told Venat? About the curry shop owner and the children he looked after. Is that where your fondness for the dish comes from?
[Ah. He might have expected the consequences of sharing that story, but the wave rises up and swallows, regardless.
[It's worse than drowning, actually - a drowning person can still try to swim, still choke down water in vain. Oda is suspended; roots and thorns and clawed hands and teeth and barbed razor wire weaving through his body, crawling out of open wounds and anchoring themselves to invisible hooks - he cannot move. He could never move.
[He pictures himself tearing out every hook, every line, ripping his body open from every angle until it's clear there's nothing, nothing...
[What filled that terrible void? There is no story left to write. He was never human to begin with.
[So, his fingers curl around his spoon slightly as he lifts more curry into his mouth - and that's all. There's not a flicker in his expression - just a passing breeze that makes him twitch his nose. The only delay is the time it takes to chew.]
It's not, but I've been eating at that curry restaurant for years now. Curry rice has always been my favorite, but Uncle's is the best in Yokohama. I really believe that.
He sounds like more than a good man. A saint, almost.
[ Maruki's very nearly done with his meal, but he's enjoying Oda's company, so he stops to roll the half-full beer can between his palms and offer him a kindly smile, a piece of his own home. ]
It's funny, actually. There was a café back in my Tokyo with the best coffee you could imagine, and the only food they sold was curry. It was just as good as their drinks! And the man who ran the place...
[ Sakura glaring at him, telling him to get out. Being placated by the young girl with Akira's cat. He thinks they came to some sort of understanding, in the end. He would have liked to have gotten to know him better... ]
He didn't take in orphans like that, but he did house and feed a young friend of mine who had nowhere else to go. Maybe there's something to curry shop owners, eh?
[Hm. He's not sure if he was expecting a follow-up or not (he assumes, anyway, that this has something to do with him finding Akutagawa in a...precarious position recently).]
[It's odd. With Akutagawa now an adult again, but with memories of the bond they made when he was young still fresh in Oda's mind, Oda's not sure what sort of line they tow anymore. He really doesn't know the man all that well; in ways, he knows him better than ever.]
I saw that you'd lived a difficult life. You survived despite that. To me, that has to be the opposite of weakness.
10/10, i can't believe i rolled a die and got that
[ Give him a second. It's just embarrassing when Oda asks, and moreso because he's no doubt being completely earnest.
He can't joke about it because he will take it seriously.
He can't ask if he's being serious because that'd be weird.
He also can't act like it bothered him because that would also be weird.
He also can't ask something like, "do the kids make you have sleepovers with them" to make it less weird because neither of them want to think about that.
What is he supposed to do! Why would Odasaku do this to him!!! ]
Odasaku... You really never to surprise me. This is why I never get bored of you.
You must be tired. Am I really keeping you awake?
dazai gay crisis blue screen moment - odasaku none the wiser
Anyway, it's a little hard to explain. Basically, I can walk anywhere I please. I don't just mean from place to place.
I could take a step into the air like walking up stairs, then just keep going, high above the city, for as long as I want. Sometimes I walk into the sea and right under the waves until I'm in the deepest part of the ocean. I could walk up the side of a building, or walk into the ground until I reach the other side of the planet.
[ That's right. Odasaku had never wanted to be part of the Port Mafia. Dazai had brought him in for the protection it offered. Even knowing that, his presence felt so natural that irrationally, impossibly, he had thought those days would last forever. That he would always be near.
But maybe if he had lived a little longer, maybe both of them...
He closes that idea, snaps the book holding those what-ifs tight before it can try to write itself. ]
That sounds like a nice dream. I wouldn't mind having one like that.
Do you think we could make it happen here? I don't know about breathing underwater or walking on air, but if world is something that exists separate from reality and is built up on wishes, then there should be more to it than an island. If there's not, then why couldn't it be created?
The fact that it's forbidden makes me want to see it more. I've always hated places with lots of rules. It makes me want to break them.
Besides, this place is boring. It has interesting people, but I'm already bored with the city. It's too small. I need something with a little more spice, so I don't want to stay here forever. But I'm not interested in going back to Yokohama either.
Yeah. I thought about it. There's no need for me to go back.
If people can gain new memories from their world here, that means that "I" still exist there. If by some chance I don't, it won't change anything. There's no longer any stopping the plan that I put in place.
I'm going to evict Atsushi-kun and Akutagawa-kun though. Those two still have a job to do.
[ As is always the case, Dazai has considered the possibilities and come to a logical conclusion. Dostoevsky had surprised him, but that it would not save him.
Though he would stay even if it meant the world would burn, without feeling even a hint of remorse. ]
[Oda can't really argue Dazai's stance. His first point is one that has been proven time and time again to be true - what will happen back in their worlds will happen no matter how long they stay here, and their absences won't be felt at all. As for Dazai's second point, Oda has no reason not to believe that he has put everything in place that he intended to. That's just Dazai. His skills are well-known.
[It's really a win-win situation either way. Why shouldn't Dazai be able to stay here as long as he wants to? Oda's often found himself thinking that the things that happen here aren't entirely out of the realm of what a powerful group of ability users could do. Even the threat level here is relatively similar to that of their home.
[He gets it, is the point.]
You're showing a bit of a double standard there. Almost makes me think you just want to get them out of your hair.
Still, I see what you're saying. Suppose I have no reason to go anywhere else, either.
Why not, then? At least you know you'll have a roommate if you need one.
There's the logical reasons for it, but there's something else that goes unspoken.
Dazai already knows that he'll lose anything that he gains here. He knows that what he has now is nothing more than a candle in the wind; even if he can light it once more, it'll go out once more, and take along with it the light and warmth that it offered. That's why he can endure.
But as they speak of plans, Atsushi has already come and gone once. There will always be that uncertainty now, as long as Akutagawa stays here. ]
I have high expectations for them. Their talent is wasted here, so I have to shove them out the door and lock it behind them.
[ That's the logical reason, too, because they have greater things waiting for them.
But he trusts Oda; Dazai listens to him in a way that he doesn't anyone else, so he asks, ]
Do you think they would be happy here?
Come to think of it, we've been staying together for awhile now, haven't we? I don't mind it.
Atsushi and Akutagawa? I can't say I know enough about them to say whether or not they'd be happy, but...
I think people like us aren't all that badly suited for strange places. We have been staying together for a while now, you're right. I like it too.
I don't really have any other option aside from this place, so maybe my opinion doesn't really matter, but I wouldn't mind seeing what's out there with you if you wanted to stay. Why not?
[Odasaku knows that feeling. There are so many things about that place that hang over him now. Anyone looking in from the outside would think that it ought to be tainted, but that isn't how Odasaku feels. It's why he sought a similar place as soon as he got here. Who doesn't chase the feeling of home?]
I think that's one of the last places I can remember looking forward to too.
I find that I look forward to having a drink with you at Dolph's club too though. It's interesting how that works.
How many little hole-in-the-walls do you think are out there? We could hit every one.
I do too. It's not the same without the bartender. Can you believe that he still doesn't carry hammers or detergent?
I'm starting to think that he's lying about not having any sharp knives.
Every single one? That sounds good. We'll have to find a world map and mark them all down. I heard they have that in some places for breweries. You can do a whole tour of them.
[No hammers or detergent to this day, huh? For whatever reason, it makes Oda feel just a little emotional. He's not quite sure why that would be. Even without Oda there, Dazai continues to return to that special place, and the bartender continues to cater to him. He must have remained a regular. Suppose that just touches Odasaku, somehow.]
That will be our goal, then. I suppose the first step is finding a way to leave Somnius. I wonder if anyone else is concerned with anything other than going home.
I think there are. There are people here who came from difficult situations. There are people who don't have anything worth going back to, if they have a place to go back to at all. They can only make due with what they have.
Then there's BB-san.
It's a community full of misfits.
hehe we can move toward a wrap or keep gabbin <3 up to u
[Well, he can totally deal with a simple bump on his head without help, but still.
[Oda wanders out of his room in his slippers, glancing into the dark living room. Dazai's bedroom is just across the way. He comes over to it and knocks.]
[ ... But unfortunately it is Odasaku, so he'll begrudgingly pick himself up from bleeding all over the floor to wander over to the door and open it. He sure does have yet another eye injury or close to again, and it is bleeding profusely.
It's fine. There's nothing to worry about. ]
If I leave it, then it'll scalp over by itself, so...
[ So Dazai doesn't care about it all that much these days.
It was always someone else who did, really. ]
I don't think this is enough for me to bleed out....
If it's just this, I can take care of it myself... You should know that...
[ He mumbles, but it's the voice of a petulant child; some tone reserved for present company as he covers the injury, but he'll readily follow along. ]
[Not entirely a lie. Odasaku may not say so himself, but he's always been the type of person to want to care for someone else. Dazai isn't weak, but it's nice, isn't it, to have someone patch you up once in a while?]
I never took that potion. [He gets a first aid kit out from under the sink.] Now would have been a good time to test it if I had.
[ He's always been in and out of hospitals. It's less now, he's so much better about it now despite his dramatics, and yet -
It really has been a long time. Six long years since he collapsed on someone's porch based on a rumor. Six long years since he got more than he bargained for.
Six long years, and so Dazai's more helpless now than ever in the face of those words. ]
Ahaha.... If you say it like that, then I can't refuse...
[ Mumbled, awkward, uncertain, and completely unlike him. He watches with a slight smile though, and that is newer, ]
It wouldn't work on me, but it's fine. I've never injured this side before.
[ He grins, poking at the the injury before pressing his palm back against it with a little laugh, because he's never once felt all that bad about missing out on any healing abilities. ]
[ But... He'll be straightforward, because of who he's talking to. ]
It worked for awhile, but once I received No Longer Human, it no longer did. I found out quickly that my ability can kill people here...
[ His smile twitches along with his shoulders, just the faintest sign of displeasure, though he has neither love nor hatred for his ability on the whole, ]
It no longer works when I try to use it, so I do not believe that anyone else's would either. It's just like home.
[ And he does mind that for that odd cocktail of a taste of normalcy and a sudden awareness of his ability to harm, but it also doesn't, because his ability is as much a part of him as anything. It's just one more consideration, easily worked around. ]
[Muttered, focused. He's pressing cotton against Dazai's wound, as carefully as he would one of the orphans. For all of Dazai's suicide talk, Oda knows he doesn't like pain.
[For what it's worth, he doesn't seem to mind touching him at all.]
You'd think a place like this would come with a different set of rules. I guess not.
Honestly, I was a bit surprised that all we had to do to get our abilities back was ask. I have to admit, I was feeling pretty lost without mine.
[ It's gentle, but he's whining far worse than one of Odasaku's orphans would otherwise. But that's part of who he is. He hates the pain of living already, he can't handle much else, yet he grins and points to injuries that bring him closer to death; but then whines and cries about treatments with anyone who cares.
Always in and out of hospitals, but he chooses now to whine; it's cathartic, because Mori might have needed him, but Odasaku was the only one who had truly cared, ]
Ow, ow...!!
[ That said, he should be used to these dramatics. Dazai is truly the sort to cry more about a molehill than a mountain when given the chance.
But at least he won't whine too much now, his eyes instead remaining fixated on Oda's own blue spheres. ]
You were... If you were to combine your ability with your natural talents, you would be unmatched, Odasaku...
[ It's an intense stare, directly at him, but there's warmth to it.
Warmth that he's not quite sure how to follow up on, and so, ]
.. My new goal here... Is for you to make 800 friends.That's what I've decided on.
[ He settles on something completely ridiculous instead, despite him being almost perfectly serious on the matter (i.e. making odasaku friends but not that many.) ]
[Every time Dazai tries to lock their gazes, Odasaku complies. It seems like the right thing to do. He doesn't often get the chance to look at those eyes up close like this. They're a warmer brown than anyone would guess, Odasaku thinks.]
You've said as much before.
[The wound is cleaned. Odasaku gets a small bandage to apply.]
800 friends, huh? I don't think there are even 800 people in this town. Do you?
[The bandage is put in place. Oda's expression is rather flat, but that's usually the case.]
80 people is still pretty steep. You think I'm that lonely?
[He holds up a finger and goes to the sink to get warm water on a towel. Dazai is covered in blood now. He just needs to dab off his face a little...
[It might be strange. Even Oda realizes that it must be. But it does feel nice, the way he thought it would. He doesn't want to see Dazai bleed. It doesn't hurt to help each other. And it wouldn't be the first time...]
[ He's instinctively closing that eye now, more to avoid any remnant liquid than anything... Dazai isn't any stranger to others taking care of him, but it still feels surreal to have it be someone who hasn't tended to him in so many years. Between that and the question his expression falters, caught off guard, and he fidgets, no more sure of what to do now than he was years ago. ]
8, then...
[ He manages to hold aside from his restless fidgeting though, letting the blood be cleaned off his face.
800, to 80, to 8... The comment about how he doesn't want Odasaku to be lonely when he dies is there, but his lungs collapse and his chest compresses when he tries to say the words There's a breathy sound as he tries it, one that saves itself in a slight chuckle, ]
Well... You need someone to depend on, right? You need people who you can depend on, so I have to make sure you have someone! Like Maruki-san and BB-chan!
[ His voice starts low, uncertain, as though he's faltering on some idea, before picking up as he goes along, growing in pitch as his expression brightens. It would be wrong to call it fake, because it's what Dazai wants and believes. It's what he knows. ]
[If Odasaku senses any of Dazai's apprehension, he doesn't let it show. He's always been good at that too. In some ways, it doesn't surprise Odasaku, that it might bring out this side in Dazai. He sounds as young and uncertain as he did when they first met. Oda's heart aches for that too.
[There's no one in the world that he cherishes more than his dear friend.
[The blood is cleaned. Odasaku leans away, inspecting his friend.]
You can count Maruki-san down already, I think. We talk pretty regularly. I guess that makes BB-chan next on the list.
[ Dazai blinks, his vision a briefly blurring from the water, and rubs his eyes. He brushes his hair out of his face, rubs both his eyes once more out of instinct more than anything, then looks again. ]
BB-chan is next. There are others too. You don't have to worry about the Port Mafia anymore, so you can live your life freely here.
[ That's nothing they haven't discussed before, of course; it would need to come up over time.
And as ever, Dazai isn't quite sure of what it is that he wants to say, and so, ]
... You want a beautiful, sharp-witted woman, right? I'm going to find a beautiful woman to die with, so before that, I want you to have a wife, and friends who will support you.
[Odasaku has gotten so used to Dazai's talk of death that he seems to barely hear it. He does hear it, though. He doesn't like it, of course, to think of his friend, dead under any circumstances. No one likes to think of something like that.
[The conversation isn't truly about women. Dazai is hesitant to leave Odasaku behind. Odasaku feels the same. Maybe they were destined to be apart, but it's not what he wants. It's not what he'll ever want.
[These emotions well up inside of him like a wave, but it never crashes, just sinks back down. He's been watching his friend too long. Speaks, at last.]
I'm enjoying the time I have here with you. I'd rather worry about that other stuff later.
[ Well. That's true. He can't refute either point.
He sighs. ]
... I rolled off the bed, and half the bed came with me, and I don't know where a couple things went...
[ He's sulking a little now, but it does seem to be his displeasure with how he wound up banging his head, though this sort of ridiculous way of injuring himself is fairly in character. ]
Why is it that the human body is only paralyzed for a tiny fraction of the time it's asleep anyway? Seems like a pretty useless feature to me.
One, one of the legs broke, and it caused the other to come loose, so it's It's leaning to one side...
[ He places his hands in his lap and leans to one side himself to demonstrate.
It is exactly something out of a cartoon because it's only seconds later that there's a loud thump and clattering, which one would be correct to assume was the result of having the bed form of the leaning tower of pisa. ]
Here is fine...
[ He's just going to lean more and let gravity take him now, as one does. ]
We'll have to see if we can fix it in the morning. [This, said with a yawn. He holds up a finger and disappears into his room; returns with a pillow, which he tosses at Dazai's head, and a blanket, which he tosses at Dazai's feet.]
He catches the pillow when it's tossed to him. He sits up properly and crosses his legs, leaning forward as he holds it close to his chest. ]
It is. It's my favorite napping place.
[ He takes grips the edges of the pillows before stretching his arms out about his head with a noisy yawn. Then he brings it back to his torso, lolling his head to the side. ]
... Hey, Odasaku.
[ There it is, that same voice that he always uses before saying something strange. It's late, he woke up to banging his head and breaking furniture, so it was inevitable. ]
The fear of dying in a dream is a common sentiment, but so is the idea of an eternal sleep.
[ That's what death is, but it's not what he's referring to here; they both know that. ]
Snow White bit the poison apple, Sleeping Beauty touched her spindle, but neither died... They were put into a deep sleep. They dreamed a long dream. People transformed that into stories, but why is it so scary? If it were a nightmare I would understand...
[ But he's made his way onto the sofa by now if he wasn't before, pulling a blanket onto the edge, hugging a pillow to his chest and pressing his head down against the cushion as he observes the marks on the ceiling, ]
... But what if it's not a nightmare? What if it's not wandering through a manor with the sickening feeling that you can never go back? There's plenty of stories like that too... There's beings in which promise you "the refuge of dreams." Endless stairs, endless happiness, a sleep that just goes on and on until you die...
[ Dazai clutches the pillow a little closer, eyelids closing halfway, a frown appearing, ]
... Why is that horrific? Humans fear death, but as far as ways to die... Wouldn't you say that dying for a happy dream would be a benevolent way to die?
[ A grimace, the faintest hint of bitterness followed by a smile, ]
After all, life is just one long dream, isn't it...?
[These words would be non-sensical to anyone else, but Oda listens to every one. He never really frets over whether he understands what Dazai's saying. He just listens and offers what he has.
[This talk of fairytales makes him consider two things.]
If someone is condemned to a lifetime of nothing but peaceful sleep, then why not let them? When you ask yourself that question, the only real answer is that the people around them dislike it. It's not exactly fair. I think people may fear the deaths of others even more than they fear death for themselves.
That being said...
If a happy dream is a benevolent death, and life is nothing but a long dream...
Wouldn't living a happy life to its end be a benevolent death too?
[ It's a fool's errand to try to make sense of what Dazai says, because there is no sense to it; he says what he thinks, what makes sense to him, and that's that. He's like any other person in that sense, it's just that his manner of thinking is different.
That's likely a big part of why he gets along so well with Odasaku; the way he thinks is different, unconcerned with what's normal, and so their conversations have an easy flow to him. That's not to say that he looks down on people with conventional ways of thinking; he likes them just fine, but they can't hold a conversation with him.
His expression flattens into something more neutral, before he closes his eyes and smiles, laying lat and holding the pillow close to his chest. It's a mellow smile, unemotional, unreadable, but perhaps to present company...
Maybe...
There's a kind of melancholy to it. His hands folded around a pillow like a child, almost like a corpse with its hands folded over its chest in a coffin, except his fingers dig in and clutch it.
Wake me from this oxidizing dream.
His feelings haven't changed. ]
That's exactly... Paulo Coelho once said, "Love is a moment in life, a dream, and at times, a painful dream." But life is on the whole exactly the same. It is nothing but a dream, as brief or long as it might be.
[ Then death could be the end to a long, long dream... ]
But to other people that's a curse. I can understand stories where it's a nightmare, where something is killing you, but what's so scary about a long staircase; what's scary about a refuge of dreams? What's scary about a fake world? It might be scary for the people around you to see you sleep for longer and longer hours, but why is it scary to think about dying in a fake world? If it's a happy dream...
[ Dazai can't understand, because he only has nightmares. Nightmares of a moment in time, a snapshot in time, the day that he died. He doesn't sleep at night, but rather falls asleep at desks and on couches; he chokes down sake and deprives himself of sleep until dreams no longer come.
But he shares none of that, instead pulling the pillow down and looking to Oda with a smile warm, affectionate, happy, that twists into a grimace just briefly, ]
Wouldn't you say that a fleeting world of happiness is better than a lifetime of pain?
[Oda might struggle to pick up on someone's mood even with obvious changes in expression, but when it comes to Dazai, somehow, he's learned to pick up on the subtle things.
[Dazai is ever the crying child Oda first said he was. It's heartbreaking in that way that you can only allow something to be heartbreaking for a few seconds at a time. Who doesn't want peace for a dear friend? Dazai suffers. Oda knows he does.]
I'd have trouble answering that question. [His voice is quiet, thoughtful.]
Suppose...I've never thought all that much about happiness itself. I made it through day to day just fine most of the time. Maybe I figure that's all you can really ask for.
[Something occurs to him, and he falls quiet for another moment.]
[ He taps his temple, letting his arm rest over his eyes, covering out the light as he lays with his knees up. One rocks back and forth, starting to fall to the side before he brings it back up to click against the other. ]
The world doesn't really exist in the way that we think it does. Humans just developed sensory input in a way that allows the brain to piece together our own world. There are pieces of the world that we can't interact with, and there are things that don't match our perception of them.
[ Which isn't to say that there is no reality or descend into solipsism and nihilism, but rather at once an addition and a counterpoint to his previous assertion. People can be happy in a fake world. They can be happy in a dream world. They can be happy because the two aren't all that different.
It's academic jargon, but it is a way of affirming Odasaku's words. This isn't quite the world he yearns for most; it's too unstable, too erratic, something that he can't control and protect. It's one where everything can still be taken from him. But it's one where he can live.
He'd never thought about happiness all that much either. It seemed inconsequential to him. Dazai's life was always just Dazai's life; empty, gray, painful.
Dazai pauses to to collect his thoughts. Odasaku can't match Dazai's level of intellect and cunning any better than anyone else, but he's sharp; he's perceptive, one of the few people who have been able to so thoroughly trick Dazai, with a high perception and level of emotional intelligence that Dazai could never hope to match. It sometimes felt like Odasaku could perceive Dazai's feelings better than Dazai himself could ever hope to.
Dazai is a crying child; he's a lost child who finally found his house; he's a twenty-two year old boy who was far too intelligent to be able to interact with the world - a fact that he's leaned into more than away from. ]
I had a nice dream recently, [ He lifts his arm back up, gesturing vaguely, though his gaze stays on the ceiling, ] I didn't think that was possible for me anymore, it's been so many years.
[ There's a bubbling little laugh. It's pleasant, affectionate. Though it wasn't quite a dream either. He still hasn't seen a real one; there's only nightmares. There's only a moment in time, a memory, played on an endless loop - reach, grasp, find his grip empty; a red stain on his palm that blurs in and out of focus, the faint smell of smoke and the resounding silence, followed by a sound that he only recognizes after some time to be his own stifled sobs.
Not quite a dream, but just as ethereal and fleeting. ]
[Oda listens. He listens to Dazai talk and dream and laugh. He spends every night, now, listening to Dazai.
[It makes him sad. It makes him happy. He doesn't feel lonely anymore. There's guilt. He's glad that Dazai's here. He's glad that he's not alone. He's glad that he has someone near who cares enough to put a bandage on his brow.
[His heart swells with woeful affection. He finds himself sitting on the ground with his back pressed up against the couch. He reaches onto the table and takes a pack of cigarettes to light up; offers one to Dazai, as is only polite.]
Let's do what we said. Let's explore this world.
There's no more reason to go anywhere else. You said so yourself.
[Maybe Dazai isn't meant for happiness, but he can have something. If he likes this place, and he wants to stay here, he can have that, at least. He should.]
If you say it like that, I'm going to start to think you've mistaken me for a pitiful person. It was a glimpse into a world where everyone was happy... The Boss retired and became the head of an orphanage. You might not understand it, but he never really wanted to be the Boss. Akutagawa-kun found someone who could teach him patience. Ango never really changed. And you...
[ He takes the cigarette and taps the top of Odasaku's head with his index finger. ]
... Never had to join the Port Mafia.
[ There's others too, but none that Odasaku would know. He passes over them as readily as he does himself. Dazai doesn't smoke, but he fiddles with the cigarette.
He speaks of the world with a genuine affection, something that fills his entire heart; the words are as warm and gentle as a summer breeze. He lolls his head to finally look at the other, his gaze not quite matching his tone; there's that emptiness that always seems to find its way back to him which mingles with that softness.He rolls onto his side shortly after, dropping the pillow behind him and instead folding one arm to use as a pillow instead.
It's the life that he has now which changed that world's trajectory. Sometimes, that's enough for him to feel like his life has some meaning. ]
... I'm happy that a world like that exists. From the bottom of my heart, I'm glad I was able to see it.
[ Though maybe it's pointless to share any of this. It's difficult to understand and easy to dismiss, as are all things with him. It's easier yet to miss what's buried beneath those feelings - that bitter jealousy and resentment for having been born in this world and not that one,for only being able to yearn and want, things that mingle with but can't trump the comfort of just knowing it exists; his love for that world, imprinted on him, a dream that hasn't fully faded away yet; a world that he wants others to love, for it's a miracle that it exists.
[It's a surprisingly sentimental dream, Oda thinks. Dazai even thought up something for the boss to do. Maybe it shouldn't be so surprising. Dazai's version of a happy ending may be a strange one, but he talks about them often enough.
[Something brings Oda's awareness to the beating of his own heart, though it's meant to be still. It's one of those moments where Dazai's presence is such that one has no choice but to hang onto every word. There's weight to them. Oda can tell. He wants to know everything that Dazai's thinking. He always wants to know what he's thinking.
[ It is a strange one. It's stranger yget for how much he resents Mori and Ango. He hasn't forgiven them; he'll never forgive them, but he knows them. He doesn't care enough, but he does care. It's emotion after emotion that tangles itself up, feelings that choke each other out, and in the end he settles on that they each have their use.
He hesitates, his mouth opening and closing, expression shifting several times and his gaze darting about. It's nerves, and it's hesitation, but more than that it's just a simple inability to find the words.
He's had so long to find them. He's had four long years of sitting next to an empty barstool or at a grave. Valentine's Day would come and he'd brag about how many chocolates he'd gotten before toasting. Christmas. New Years. Days say with his back against a tombstone.
He never learned how to move on past simple yearning. There was never any opportunity. After some thought he pushes himself up, opting to join him on the floor. Dazai speaks as he does so, ]
You were right. It is better being on the side that saves people. I like it better, and I decided to become a good man, but... The truth is...
[ He settles down, reaching up and brushing his fingertips against the bandage on his head, fingers lighting tracing down his temple, near the eye; one that he'd lack the ability to see out of in another life. ]
... I could never really manage it. I'm the most selfish man alive.
[ He's watching, searching for even the slightest shift in expression. Dazai exhales softly, particles of memories hanging in the air, fragments of emotions that could never reform themselves into something whole. ]
I would kill the entire world if it meant you get to live.
[ Those words come out easier than the rest. His gaze is clear and earnest, without even the slightest hint of doubt, and entirely unrepentant. ]
[It all rips Odasaku apart - Dazai's words, his voice, his taciturn smile.
[It was selfish to leave him. This unique Hell they've found themselves in has reminded Odasaku of that every waking moment of every single day. Dazai is near. It's impossible to shake. Odasaku knew what that final charge would bring, and he did it anyway. He wouldn't blame Dazai for hating him.
[But Dazai doesn't hate him. He grieves him. That's a new and nauseating feeling, to be grieved, to be that great source of pain.
[Odasaku reaches out and grips Dazai's shoulder tight with his hand. Despite it all, he manages the most subdued of smiles, stark just for the fact that it's on Odasaku's face at all.]
Lucky for the world, no one needs to worry about that right now. Isn't that something?
Dazai. [Blue eyes search his friends face. Something pleads in them.] I'm glad I got to see you again. I'm glad you're here with me now.
i started it with beastzai i have no room to judge
[ Dazai has never once blamed Odasaku. He's never once resented him.
There's so many people who he blames, who he resents, and himself most of all, but never the man before him.
The only thing he had wanted was to see him one more time, but that's a lie. He wanted so much more, but if he let those feelings spill out, he would never be able to stem the flow.
He flinches lightly at the touch to his shoulder, a sheepish look appearing, like he's trying to determine whether to apologize or lean into that kindness.
Humanity doesn't come naturally to Dazai. He doesn't know how to navigate it.
His chest compresses, his heart pounds, and it feels as though it might burst in his chest as his hand reaches up. His fingertips brush against the hand on his shoulder, and there's something uncertain and bittersweet in that awkward smile of his.
It's a look that Odasaku will recognize from back when their friendship started, a sixteen year old boy cautiously hoping that someone cared, backpedaling the second that it seemed dangerous.
It's the look of a person who thinks that even just the faintest acceptance of what he has will cause what he has now to disappear, be stolen away by the world.
He likes that world he saw. Dazai loves it. He loves it more than life itself, because it was a world that was his - it was a world where nothing could be taken away from him. ]
... You're right... I like this world.
[ And there it is again, the fretful look of a teenager searching for any sign of disapproval, anything that might be a danger. The look of a wary black cat. It eases though, and his smile settles into something easier.
There's a heat at the back of his eyes, but just a bit. And after some thought and hesitation - ]
... This is the world I want to live in. I'm happy here.
[ That feels important to say, somehow. And, more hesitantly still - ]
This world is less painful than others.
CRIES LMK IF U WANNA WRAP OR GO ON I AM EATING THIS
["I'm happy here," he says. It's more than Odasaku might ever have expected. There's really no arguing something like that. If this place, Hell though it might be, according to so many, is less painful than the life the awaits Dazai back in their world, then the decision is easy.]
We'll stay, then. [We'll stay. They will stay.] I like it too.
[ It's a horrible feeling. Dazai doesn't know what to do with it. It feels like too much. The grim reaper's sycthe positions itself before Dazai's eyes, but it always just grazes him before taking someone else's head off. It always just brushes against him before cutting whatever thread is tying him to someone. ]
You are. I want to die.
[ That's his response, pulling his knees close to his chest. Then, weakly, ]
I'm going to kill myself right now.
[ He folds his arms and buries his face against it. Dazai can't articulate what's there, not that desire to die while he still has a bit of happiness, not that desire to be lost before he can lose, and not that inability to die now - it would be so easy if it wouldn't hurt Odasaku. It would be so, so easy, but now it's not, because he doesn't want his death to hurt.
Dazai doesn't know how to say any of that, so he repeats, in a voice that should be light and joking but comes out quiet and miserable instead, because he is happy, Dazai is the happiest he's been in four long years, ]
[Maybe Oda shouldn't understand, but he thinks he does. He can't divine exactly what Dazai's thinking. The logic doesn't quite add up. Anyone saying that they're about to hang themselves, sounding as miserable and pitiful as Dazai is, couldn't be anything less than despondent.
[But to die during a pleasant dream is a benevolent death. Oda knows that these words signify Dazai's happiness for that reason alone. He as much as told him so.
[Dazai and Odasaku don't touch. Not really. Here and there, a hand on a shoulder, like Oda's is now. That's about it. But the time for brazen honesty is here in this world if it hasn't been anywhere else.
[He's dead, his best friend grieving him throughout their reunion, all but curled up into a ball. Dazai is happy that they're together. Odasaku is too.
[He wraps his arms around his friend's shoulders and hangs on. It's not something Dazai will be used to. He knows that. But he gives it nonetheless. Dazai can do whatever he wants with it.]
[ Odasaku wraps his arms around him, and Dazai forgets how to breathe. He goes limp in the same way that a kitten does when picked up by its mother, holding in a breath for as long as he can before finally exhaling. It's too much. It's too close, and the closer he comes to things the closer he is to losing them, and so it seems to him that so much as twitching will cause this reality to vanish.
He has no chioce though, of course, as his heart races in his chest, which rises and falls with each breath. Dazai has never wallowed in self-pity and he doesn't pity himself now, but he doesn't know how to act either. ]
I could kill you too. I'll kill you first, then myself.
[ But he can't do that either. He would endure the pain of living and the pain of dying both before he could bring himself to hurt the other. But it fits with everything he's said. It fits with what was done.
Odasaku took Gide with him, or perhaps it was the other way around; both seemed satisfied.
That seems so much easier to understand than the warmth that embraces him, that sinking feeling, that elation, conflicting emotions that he was never meant to endure. It's a pain worse than living.
But slowly, awkwardly, like a person flailing their limbs while trying to learn to swim, Dazai manages to return the gesture. He unfurls himself, shifting his position and twisting at the waist so he can wrap his arms around the other in return, pulling him closer and then loosening his grip, experimenting to find the right way to keep him from dispersing into particles and fragments. ]
I don't want you to go somewhere that I can't follow again. However much you promise not to, that's just human arrogance speaking. In reality it's a lie, because people say it daily, then they do. They the people they made those same promises to. Besides, one person always dies before the other.
[ Logical and simple. Better.
Better, because then Odasaku won't have to suffer from the pain of living either. But that's not right, because he wants to live, but it's not right, because he was consumed by it once.
So he sighs, bottoming out, working through it before anyone can dare to offer platitudes disguised as comfort, ]
.... It's fine. Unless you have a death wish, this is enough. And i f you have a death wish, I'll shake it out of you.
[ Too smart, too detached, too odd to be called human... But Osamu Dazai really is just a man in his early twenties too. He's capable of love and care. But for better or worse, every drop of love and care and affection has been poured into the person before him, and there it will stay no matter how many years pass. ]
[Odasaku recognizes that Dazai is right. He can't promise that they'll stay here together, that they'll travel this world, that they won't have to part ways again. No one can make a promise like that. But there's no need to drive that home right now. Dazai speaks through his riddles and finds another landing point. 'This is enough,' he says, and Odasaku doesn't quite know how to say that he thinks so too - to be here together, in this moment, is all they have. It's enough. It has to be.
[He lets them hang there a while in each other's embrace - in fact, won't slip away until Dazai does. If they have to sit here all night like this, they'll do that.]
It's like I said. I like being here with you. [But his voice has taken on an odd gentleness, quieter than usual.] That's my only wish right now. To stay up late talking to my friend. Simple enough, isn't it?
[It's enough.]
I don't want to go anywhere else either. [That, at least, he can say truly.]
[ He can hear the steady rhythm of Odasaku's heart and the warmth of his body. When his fingers twitch and curl just slightly, they find purchase in soft fabric. He waits a minute, perhaps two, maybe longer - he's not quite certain how long, but it doesn't stop, the body doesn't grow cool, and at length he unfurls himself.
There's the smell of smoke. There's the faint smell of blood, slight but still present, and when he blinks he doesn't seen black but warm golds and reds.
He places his hand off to either side, glancing away, embarrassed, uncertain of what else to say. Dazai is an adult in every way but his heart, because he never learned how to feel anything at all; he didn't learn how to love properly, he didn't learn to hate properly, not how to mourn - there was never any real need to.
He nods in acceptance of what's said, starting to peel the bandages off of one hand. ]
I can't think of anything to talk about.
[ He says with a sardonic smile. There's too many thoughts in his head. There's hundreds of plans. There's hundreds of alternative endings. There's a single world, the only world that he's alive in; one where they never met. It was a world where Odasaku hated him. It was a world that was worth saving, but one he alone couldn't live in. There's more wants and wishes than stars in the sky, but none that can quite come into focus.
And he wonders if maybe...
If Dazai had lived just a little longer...
He exhales softly, finding scar tissue beneath the wrapping as he peels back just enough to remove anything bloody, and after a few tugs manages to pull it off. ]
... You really are a strange person, Odasaku.
[ To accept such strange and inflammatory statements so easily, from a person who would no doubt follow through on those words. He leans away, reserved, before leaning back toward Oda. He lets his shoulder brush up against the others just slighty, just enough to feel the pressure of pushing against something, and the warmth that comes along with being near another person. ]
I thought about it again. It wouldn't be a difficult goal to reach. Even if you only met three people a day, then it would only take nine months. We could finish in less than a year.
You don't have to be friends with everyone you meet. It won't take much time out of your day either. It would be enough to take ten or twenty minutes out of your day to talk to each person. It would be just like speed dating.
[ Yes, he's still thinking about it.
Yes, he does have some insane plan that would work perfectly fine in their world, but does not here. He's thought through every last detail on that front.
And actually finally offering an explanation for the ambitious number: ]
I read a story about a girl who couldn't communicate well. Her goal was to make a hundred friends, but I don't think that's enough. Even if you meet a hundred people, how many of them will you be compatible with personality wise?
What would someone even do with 800 friends? Meeting three people a day for twenty minutes at a time doesn't make you friends with those people, does it?
Wouldn't a handful of meaningful friendships matter more than knowing the names of a few hundred people?
[ Don't mind him, he's bored and wants to make outlandish plans and wax philosophical. ]
You can't find a few close friends through meeting a few people. In fact, even if you interacted with hundreds, the chance of forming a connection is marginal.
Even if you can form a connection, the chances of it lasting for more than a few weeks is marginal, and the chances of maintaining it rapidly declines the more time you add to it. There's too many factors working against people. They're drawn to each other and forge bonds and show kindness, but they'll always forget the past, and they'll hurt and betray each other.
The more people you meet, the better your chances of finding something that's both genuine and lasting.
You raise a good point. You'd forget people's names as soon as the conversation ended... Would that make it a good way of judging who left an impression?
Statistically, I guess you're not wrong, but I still feel like there's more to it than that. I don't really want to believe that something like that is only a numbers game...
Anyway. Recalling a name from a list of eight hundred might have as much to do with the way its spelled as it does an impression of the person.
[This is what they do. Odasaku will discuss every hypothetical thought experiment that Dazai presents. He enjoys it. He's a hard person to be close-minded around.]
If people depended on authenticity alone, then all the tools we have at our disposal to help meet people would be worthless! Social media and dating apps would collapse in on themselves and our fragile society would follow.
You're trying to cause the world to descend into chaos, Odasaku.
[ He's deliberately exaggerating, but there's always a reason to Dazai's madness and this is no exception. Dazai had a support system both in the Port Mafia and in the Agency; he's building up a foundation here, too. If it's not the same care he had in the past, there's still fondness and enjoyment in it.
It's not the same for Odasaku. One became two, two became three; then somewhere in all of that came five orphans and a restaurant owner. It had all collapsed in on itself, but he thinks that Odasaku was happier then than he was before.
So, he needs to rebuild his foundation too. So, they loop back around to where they started, ]
Haha. I'm talking to her right now, actually. That text you sent really got the conversation going.
As for Akutagawa-kun, I don't dislike him, but I'm not sure I'd consider us friends. You think he'd event want to be? No offense to him, but he doesn't really seem the type.
[Anyway, that's his son. He's "Ryuu" the six-year-old for the rest of all time.]
I thought it would. You'll get along well. BB-san is an honest person, so you can rely on her. She wants to be close to people.
He's not, but I'm not giving him a choice in the matter. In fact, you're the best possible person to pair him up with.
[ Because Akutagawa needs someone who can handle him, and Odasaku needs people to take care of, to say nothing of what a dangerous combat unit they would be, and because Odasaku is someone who makes people want to be more than they are.
[Oda thinks better than to talk about his time with Akutagawa when he was just a kid. He knows that he and Dazai have a tenuous relationship at best, and furthermore, Akutagawa asked him to forget about it. Still, it's because of that time that he agrees with Dazai. He has no objection to getting closer to someone he's come to care for as much as he does Akutagawa.]
I'm not going to force him into anything, but it sounds like you might. Maybe he won't mind.
I did meet Akechi, but he was just a kid at the time. I'm sure that's probably not how he wants me to remember him. Considering you sent him that text the other day, we've been talking. He seems smart. I can tell that much.
dazai really just gossiping with bestie about all his cr
I doubt it, though not much has changed since then. Akechi-kun is almost exactly the same as Akutagawa-kun at his core, but there's a fundamental difference between the two of them.
[ He wouldn't be honest about this with anyone else, but... ]
Akechi-kun is fueled by emotion rather than logic. He sees the world in binaries. There's the strong and the weak, and there's winners and losers. In his case, he wants to see life as a game of chess or go, but he's not capable of learning the rules, much less playing it better than anyone else.
He has potential though. If he could develop even a hint of sense and awareness of the world around him, and if he could overcome whatever hurt and anger has possessed him, then he could be dangerous. As it is, his talent is squandered. It's atrophying as we speak.
I'm sure you'll see the difference between the pair of them when you meet him again. It's quite simple, after all.
Akutagawa-kun wants to live. Akechi-kun wants to die. In that regard, I'm sure both will have their wishes granted.
You seem to know this kid better than I thought. That's an awfully in depth assessment. You really picked him apart.
I'll have to keep an eye out, I guess. He definitely doesn't appear that way on the surface.
[He was a sweet kid. Possessed by anger and hurt? Oda resents that. He'd like to think Dazai's wrong, but he isn't often, and he clearly has some reason for saying so.]
[Oda had suspected, but to say something like that...It's awfully significant, coming from Dazai, he thinks. It doesn't make him feel less affectionate for Akechi. That's for sure.]
Given what you told me, I can start to understand, I think.
It makes sense you'd be able to spot something like that in someone else, I suppose.
The chances of him living much longer are relatively slim. It might be for the best. Even if he were to decide to live now, there's nothing but pain waiting for him.
The kind thing to do would be to give him a painless death, but that's not an option either.
[Doomed to either death or a life of pain? Those don't have to be the only options. Dazai and Odasaku have talked about their lives in this place. He'd never suggest asking someone to stay here, but what he can say is...]
Just give him a chance to live while he's here. What else can you do, Dazai?
Painful or not, he has no choice but to live right now. Once he leaves this place, it'll be out of your hands regardless.
You don't know what might come of it. Nothing here is certain. That's what everyone says.
It's difficult because Dazai agreed to become a person who saves the weak and protects the orphans. He promised to be something more. Odasaku is right, too. Akechi will leave, and after that it won't be his problem.
It seems as though he should care about what happens after more than he does, but four years have passed and nothing has changed.
Still, he's taking what's said to heart here. ]
You're right. If I keep acting like a nuisance, I'm sure that something interesting will happen.
I think he might try to kill me at some point. Wouldn't that be fun if he did? It's been awhile since anyone has.
He will. He has to, in fact. I've been spending my time making increasingly ridiculous demands to see when he'll finally say "no," but he keeps going along with them.
If he can't learn when to tactfully decline, then the next best thing is a childish outburst.
["Worried" isn't really the word. He's just unhappy with the idea that someone else - someone young - has to live with that kind of pain. Dazai is perceptive about these kind of things. He makes a good detective for a reason. The more they talk, the more it makes sense.
[He'd struggle to put any of that into words.]
I'm not worried. I'd just wish better for the kid.
[Not much promise on the "just let him live his life" front, but Oda is well aware that, to a certain extent, people with abilities just aren't able to do that sort of thing. At times, it seems to Oda that one common pain binds them all. If Akechi really is someone like Dazai, then Oda can't simply wish an easier life into existence for him. It would mean he's fighting a battle only he understands.
[At any rate, they're both perfectly capable of handling themselves. He'll mind his business, as he does.]
I'd be curious to know what you find out. It seems you've managed to dig up a lot already, detective.
[ It is genuine. Dazai should have expected it, but as always, Odasaku manages to catch him off guard.
Though his response is... Well, probably in line with what one would expect from him. Sort of. Maybe. ]
I knew I could count on you to understand! I'm going to find the woman of my dreams here, I can sense it.
You know, if you tried, I bet you could easily attract someone too. You have all the right layers to you. On the outside, you're mysterious and unavailable, but then beneath that you're a sensitive and kind person, the type who a person can slowly unpack and realize that they're being shown pieces of you that no one else can see...
Exactly! Now that I think about it, I think we should form a support group for broken hearts here. Have you noticed how being trapped in close quarters has caused everyone to partner up?
You should look around. Once you know what to look for, you'll see it immediately. It's only natural in a place like this. We're all trapped in close quarters and high strung, with a constant influx of stress and a fear of what tomorrow my bring! It's the perfect combination to force a romantic spark, or at least something that could be mistaken for it.
Coupling allows people to fulfill all their basic emotional needs when it comes to emotional support and having a connection, it tells them that they're not alone and soothes them at a time when they're at their most isolated and vulnerable. This is the perfect storm for whirlwind romances that will either reach the greatest heights or fall apart in a way that does irreparable damage.
Inn other words, it's the perfect time to find love, and it's the perfect time to experience heartbreak. The odds will never be more in our favor, and they'll never be less in our favor because the pool is increasingly shrinking.
Nope. I thought BB-san might be the one, but her programming means that it's impossible for her to kill herself. It would have to be a murder suicide. I thought about it, but that doesn't seem right.
I'm happy with the way that things are now. Besides, I can't imagine someone being more interesting than you are.
That makes it sound like you'd let me preclude you from getting a wife.
[There's a strange sensation at that. Oda can't quite pin it down.]
I get it though. If you can't imagine anyone more interesting than me, I definitely can't imagine anyone more interesting than you. Things are fine the way they are right now.
[ ... Maybe he shouldn't let Odasaku hang out with Akechi. That unfortunate way of saying things is catching, but it's a little embarrassing when Odasaku does it. ]
Sure. If they're not at least as interesting as you are, then the flame of our romance will be extinguished far too quickly. I need someone who can constantly rekindle it.
There's no one more interesting than you are... Well, you're right that there's no one quite like me, but I'm sure that you could find someone who's half as interesting. If you're really lucky, maybe just as interesting.
[ It's after hours. It's late. He's a little bit tipsy, enough that he'd needed to doze and walk it off, but not quite so much as to have lost all sensibility. Just enough that he'd started to doze it off, just enough that he'd started awake, some sickening feeling in the pit of his stomach, a racing in his chest and a cold sweat, so many things that he's never shared with anyone - not even Odasaku.
Just enough that he can remember twilight.
But that's not what he's concerning himself with now, instead padding down the hallway. He hesitates, reaches a hand out, pulls it back. Then again a few more times before he raps his knuckle against the door to Odasaku's room - light enough that it would be barely audible, because he doesn't really want a response, and Dazai doesn't really know why he's doing this. But it is there.
[Some restlessness keeps him awake. There's nothing he can attribute it to. Sometimes it's difficult to sleep. He hears a creak in the hallway before he hears anything else. There is no alarm. Oda hasn't lived alone in a couple of months now. It could only be Dazai.
[He isn't expecting the knock. It's so quiet that he thinks he might have imagined it. He gets up from the bed, lazily scratching at the back of his head as he passes through the room. He pulls the door open...
Oh... Actually, there was something I forgot earlier. I guess it could wait, but I wanted to do it before the day ends...
[ He bounces one arm up and down. The handle of a colorful bag is hanging off of it, and there's a rattling sound as the contents shift about.
That said, if Odasaku doesn't stop him, Dazai is going to invite himself into his room since he is a truly shameless person. If that doesn't work, then he'll remove on extracting him from it.
Either way, the idea should be obvious. He has a birthday gift. ]
[It is obvious. Oda lets Dazai into his room, though it feels a bit awkward to do so - not something they normally do, but things like that have been happening more and more. He's not expecting the gift, for example. When's the last time someone got him a birthday gift? Usually, the day passes more or less without incident.
[Oda takes a seat on the edge of the bed. He's not sure what to say. 'You shouldn't have' would sound trite, but really...]
I'm surprised.
[He'll accept the gift if Dazai hands it over, though he won't open it right away. Should he be?]
I could never think of what to give you. It seemed like there was nothing you wanted. But I thought of something this year.
[ Though Dazai was the first to complain when the other two didn't get him presents for Christmas. That's just how it was. If anything, Ango would have been the more thoughtful one on that front. Still, one or the other covering his tab had to suffice.
He will hand over the gift to him without complaint, making a little go on motion. When he does, he'll find a pair of boxes inside. They're small and lightweight, the contents hidden beneath decorative wrapping paper and tied up with a red ribbon. He's put thought into this. He's had plenty of time to think about it, really, all while knowing that twenty-three was the oldest that his best friend would ever be. ]
[Things like covering a tab, buying a meal, taking a photo - things like that are the gifts Oda is used to, and he's never minded that. He...doesn't mind this either, though. He carefully sifts through the bag until he finds the boxes, pulling them out with the subtlest tilt of his head.
[He doesn't so much hesitate, but he does stop to look at Dazai for a moment before opening them next. He has no idea what might be inside.]
[ The first one is tucked away in a box. It's the bigger of the two, a little heavier, and opening it will reveal a wood toolbox. It's relatively small, and opening it up would reveal that it's been filled with stationary items and a handful of packs of genkoyoshi paper. It's not too fancy, a gaudy set wouldn't suit him, but practical; items of good quality that he no doubt spent time picking out.
The second is a blank notebook with a familiar pattern. It's hardly an even match, but it's close enough that Dazai found it to be satisfactory. Once the latter is opened he'll reach out, letting his fingertips brush against the cover.
His smile is slight, uncertain, but there's an intensity to the way that he looks at him - some complex mix of emotions that can't quite make their way into his expression. It matches the soft voice that he speaks in, something that doesn't settle into something calm and kind until halfway through. ]
You know, Odasaku... I've had more than one person tell me that you're not qualified to be a good person if you've killed. You can't be a good person, you can't be a writer... That's ridiculous. People who have seen death up close are the only ones who can say that they've lived. People who have suffered, people who have hurt, who loved as much as they hated, who can save people and kill them, without ever forgetting how to be kind...
[ He taps his fingers against the cover before taking his hand back. ]
You understand the human heart better than anyone, Odasaku. There's no one more qualified to write about them than you.
[ Then, plopping down on the bed next to him and glancing away briefly, ]
I really wanted to read it. The novel that you were going to write.
[Seems a pretty simple gift, doesn't it? Oda's told a few people here that he'd like to write. It's not something that has to be so much of a secret anymore - though, what has he written? Nothing.
[So, any one of those people that he told might have figured out it was his birthday and gotten him something like this, but they wouldn't have said what Dazai said.
[They don't know Odasaku. They don't understand what drives him, nor what binds him. Dazai knows. He knows what handing Odasaku something like this means. Maybe what he doesn't know is that it feels like permission. Why should he need Dazai's?
[His hand is resting on the notebook, and he's quiet. He's been quiet too long, maybe. His emotions feel like a wave, building into something catastrophic - he thinks maybe he shouldn't still be standing the way he is.
[He looks at Dazai. His jaw is tight. He nods his head. Clears his throat. Looks down at the notebook again.]
I've, uh...been thinking about something, and it's kind of an odd feeling.
Everyone says that crystal in town will give you anything you wish for. I found myself wondering...if I asked for that novel that I never could read the ending to from that crystal, then...it would probably give me the finished work, right?
[He's emotional. Why is he emotional? He has to pause, chew on nothing for a second.
[He doesn't finish his thought; says:]
I wanted that too.
[Can he still?
[After losing them, throwing away his life - the way he wounded his only friend, and how he's been forced to face that now. He's not a perfect person. He knows that what he did was selfish.
[And now he's here. It's temporary. He knows that.
[Is he, of all people, deserving of a second chance like that?
[The truth is he doesn't know which way is up. He'd like to write it all down. He'd like to write something amazing.]
I don't know...if wanting is still something I'm meant to do.
[ The answer is immediate. It's decisive, leaving no room for argument, because he's already considered and countered every single one, or perhaps he simply refuses to hear them.
His throat feels tight, the air that he swallows down not seeming to reach his lungs, and it seems as though his chest is constricting. It would surely be less painful to gouge his eyes out and rupture his eardrums, to put a knife through his heart, than to see that look and hear such words.
It's been four years, but Dazai never learned to mourn; he never learned how to do more yearn for bygone days.
Oda doesn't want the ending to that story, not really. People never really know what they want. They never say what it is that they want, but what they find to be within their reach. ]
You don't need to see the ending to that story. It's yours now. It's a story that only you can write. If you can't, then no one can.
[ If he doesn't have the full context, Dazai can fill in the blanks well enough. He scoots a little closer, his fingertip running along the spine. There's something to be said about what it means to be a writer. It's to write about a person, how one should live and one should die, and it's something a bit more than that too.
There's something more to it, too, something that he can't pin down, something that can never quite breach the surface, no matter how close it gets, some odd feeling that there's a deeper meaning to it all - that he might find something hidden in those words, some secret that's been hidden from him.
He settles for, ]
The way that you see the world is different. The way that you've lived is different.
[ He leans forward and folds his arms on his knees, for the first time averting his gaze. It falls down to the floor and there's a light frown. ]
You live the way that people should.
[ It's a life filled with pain and regrets, with hardship and broken dreams; some meaningless tragedy, as all lives are, and yet despite that he's never forgotten how to be kind. He never forgot how to want to live, how to think on what life would bring; rather, that desire was choked out, it was buried - there was no one who prevented it, and there was no one who reignited it.
He stares down for a time before he raises is eyes back up and repeats, ]
I still want to see it.. The novel that you would have written - that you'll one day write.
[Oda's talked about being common - the merits of an ordinary life. His day-to-day became rather boring, at a point, and he liked it that way. His life wasn't spectacular. It was rotten, then quiet, then rotten again - rotten the whole time, maybe...
[He thinks he knows what Dazai means though. Because he's come to realize what he means to Dazai. He recalls his dying moments often. He recalls that last piece of advice.
[Dazai looks up to him. He's his truest friend. They're here together, despite all impossibility. Odasaku's dream could barely take root before he tossed it away, right along with his life - no story left to write.
[He's here now, with his best friend beside him. There is a "one day" to look ahead to. He may not be the most deserving, but it's been given to him, and so have these empty books. What an insult it would be not to fill them...
[He raps his knuckles a couple of times on the cover of the notebook in his hand, mouth jerking to the side in some facsimile of a smile as he chokes back some emotion. He nods.]
I made a wish...
To write in a room with a view of the sea.
[One can, indeed, sea the ocean from his window. Even now, one can hear waves crashing in the distance.
[He looks at his friend. He thinks to himself that there's no one he cherishes more. It's overwhelming. He was such a lonely person once.
[He holds up the book. Starts to talk - clears his throat.]
[ Dazai places a hand on Odasaku's arm and allows it to rest there.
It's too much. He's drowning. There's nothing painful about his answer, but it feels like sinking, like he can see bubbles floating up, popping long before they can escape the sea.
It's too much. It's like trying to pour an ocean of water into a coffee cup. His heart is too small and too fragile to withstand this much.
Living is, he thinks once more, an inherently painful thing.
Even so, pain can be something dear as much as anything else.
Dazai closes his eyes and smiles. He squeezes Odasaku's arm lightly and nods. ]
Good. It will be worth the wait... It's fine for your wishes to be granted every once in awhile.
[ A room with a view of the sea to write in, a place where the past can't touch him, where there are people who care, where he can have all those things that a person should... Yes, it's fine for a world like that to exist.
A gentle chuckle. The ebbing, flowing, foaming rolling waves in his heart gradually settle and still. When he opens his eyes once more, there's an unfamiliar sentiment in them. His smile is soft, satisfied, and contented in an equally unfamiliar manner.
When's the last time that he had something to look forward to...? ]
Happy Birthday, Odasaku.
YOUNG ROGUES GROUP CHAT (umbrella; closed to Maruki & Dazai)
[ It's strange coming back to a home while knowing that someone will be there. He isn't quite certain of what to expect upon entering.
Dazai has lived here for three months. He remembers that. They're his memories, and they're not. It's fuzzy in some areas, though he's been able to piece together everything of importance - who he knows, what he knows, what other people know.
He was a 22-year-old man who was working as a detective of a sort. That is who people know. However hard he tries to piece things together, the circumstances that led to that are blurry and incomprehensible.
Thus, this is the first time in a couple days that he's been here; it's the first time he's entered in this house, and he's exited it just once before, though he's done so countless times before.
He paces throughout the house and examines it with his one visible eye, the other covered in bandages, and the black trenchcoat that hangs on his shoulders flutters lightly behind him. It should only be a couple more years before it's a perfect fit.
Black suit, black jackets, injuries that haven't yet healed... He looks every bit the part of an executive of the Port Mafia. The youngest in the organization's history.
It only takes so long before he finds the person he's looking for. ]
... Hey, Odasaku. I'm back.
kill me (cw: child death, grief, suicidal ideation)
[Just like that. All of the warnings he'd heard up until now had, he realized, at least somewhat fallen on deaf ears. No one ever expects to lose their best friend. No one ever expects to lose their children. No one ever expects to lose themselves - not even Dazai, Odasaku doesn't think. Not really.
[Odasaku remembers grief as violent, screaming, scraping knees agains the asphalt, throat ripped open. He couldn't live with it.
[This grief was different, a deep emptiness. Odasaku has never been one to sulk.
[He canceled his plans. He turned off his phone. He stayed in bed. He waited...
[And he became keenly, intimately, miserably aware of just exactly how Dazai must have felt, spending four long years alone, because only one man had ever tried to understand him.
[It's worse than rot. He'd have to pull himself back up again, somehow. Death is no longer an option.
[And since when was Odasaku the one to think about death so much, anyway? Dazai always makes it sound beautiful, but Odasaku doesn't think so. It's a sickening desperation.
[The door to the cottage open. Hope springs, as painful as a bullet clear through the chest. Odasaku is out of his room and into the living area. He doesn't let himself expect, but he can't help but reach. Who else would simply invite themselves in? No one else, but--]
Dazai. [Breathless. Stunned. Odasaku's eyes widen, his mouth falling open.
[Dazai.
[Dazai, but not just Dazai - his. The Dazai he remembers. The Dazai he knew three months ago. The Dazai he abandoned.
[This world makes no sense. He'd seen this Dazai when the rifts took over Somnius, but this feels different, somehow. That time has ended, hasn't it?
[Oda notices his hand is reaching.
[He should pull it back.
[He doesn't. He grips one of Dazai's hanging sleeves.]
Where...? Dazai... You're...
[Rendered speechless. Perhaps not unfitting, but his expression has never been quite this broken open again.]
[ Dazai's eyes train down and to the side, to the hand that clings to one of the sleeves of his jacket. He stares for several long seconds, eyes-half closed, as though reflecting on something, before he shakes his head and looks back up.
If it were any other time and any other place, he might be able to brush it off with a light remark about this happening before, but that look on his face kills any inclination he might have.
It's difficult. He is without a doubt Osamu Dazai. He is the same as he was every day before now, but there's a piece of him missing. There's a gap between then and now. Those memories of the last few months haven't quite settled, and neither has his heart, which aches painfully. It's overwhelming. That look overwhelms him, and it feels as though any kind of torture would be less painful.
He places his hand on Odasaku's arm, letting it settle there. ]
I wasn't gone that long, you know.
[ A wry grin that flattens out, then reshapes itself into something softer. ]
... I know. People disappear here all the time, so you started worrying, right? But I promised you that I wouldn't leave.
[ His fingers curl slightly. That's important. That's more important to him than almost anything, more and more with each passing second. There's this thought that he doesn't want to leave, not if leaving means returning. The thought of it is nauseating, and he finds that he'd lived with it for so long that he'd simply forgotten about it until now; he exhales a breath that he didn't realize he'd been holding. ]
Have I ever lied to you about something like that?
[Odasaku feels unsteady. It's important to feel steady. Bad things happen when he feels unsteady, but Dazai's grip on his arm might be the only thing anchoring him in place. He stares at his friend. He can't force his expression to even out from that incredulous, mournful surprise. On anyone else's face, it wouldn't look like much, but it's obvious on a face that never changes.
[And it still doesn't make sense. He isn't the same, but he remembers. He promised he wouldn't leave. Odasaku promised that too. And Dazai has never lied to him about anything like that. Odasaku never has either.
[He sucks in a deep breath through his nose; hadn't quite realized he needed one. He lets go of Dazai's sleeve, running a hand through his hair, but it fidgets.
[Unsteady. He's not used to this. He clears his throat - shakes his head. Why be steady? He feels he could erupt. He wants to.]
You remember. [He clears his throat.] How can that be?
[Because nothing here makes sense. Odasaku has heard that it's Hell, but it doesn't feel that way now; did yesterday, and the day before, and the day before.]
Before, you were...[Does he remember?]
You look...the same as I last saw you, now. Back in Yokohama.
[ Softly, affectionately, because those feelings are still there. Not four years of yearning, but three months, a seamless transition that isn't quite at odds with what he knows. It's more intense, for that longing only increased with the years, but rather than something disconcerting, that affection is as a warm fireplace on a cold winter's day - he's inched closer to it with a blanket tucked around him, embracing its glow.
Whatever emotions may have weighed him down, those days that Odasaku refers to, those that he remembers, were never anything more than a soft comfort. But he doesn't need any memories to know that they always would be - rather, it's only his lack of thought on the future that had prevented him from noting them as such.
The rest is a little more complicated, and he feels at the fabric of Odasaku's shirt, feeling it out with his fingers and gripping and releasing it. It's not that he doesn't know, but rather, that it's difficult to explain. His hands rest by his side, that one raised arm having fallen back. ]
This is a place founded on wishes, so at least one person must have wished for it, [ One or both of them, ] For things to return to how they once were... But even if you thought, "I want to erase this pain," you wouldn't want to erase the happy memories that came after... Right? It's something like that.
[ And what of those four years between, then...? Were they happy? Were they sad? No one can say now. But those brown eyes are fixed on him, clear-eyed, intense, staring directly at him without the least bit of judgment, but perhaps the slightest curiosity - had it been one? Both?
Ah, he really does hate that look on his face. He hates it. It doesn't suit him at all. It makes Dazai's knees feels wobbly and his eyes burn, and he really does think that life would be easier if only he could gouge them out. If it would make it better, Dazai might drink bleach to get away from it, but he knows it won't, and so his countenance is ever unchanging aside from that slight twitch of his fingers as they curl by his side, that faint tension that comes and goes. ]
... I remember my time here with you, because I didn't want to forget it. I remember my time with others, because I wouldn't wish to forget them now. [ Dazai takes a step forward to close the gap between them that little bit more, leaning forward just a bit with that beguiling smile, ] I'm sure the rest will come back later, [ Whether or not they want it to, ] but for now this is enough, isn't it? Because that promise meant... That I wouldn't forget our time spent here either.
[ That much was certainly a wish that they'd made together.
Dazai can say all of this because he's the more logical of the two. He's already pieced much of it together, to the point where the rest is momentarily lost to the sea of emotion. Enough that he can, just for this instant, forget his death. ]
I remember what's important.
[ Odasaku, always Odasaku, but he remembers others too... Maruki and BB, Sunmori, Akechi, and others too. There's people here. He remembers them. People he doesn't know well but was inching toward - so many, so many... So many more than he could have imagined in their world.
[Dazai comes closer; Odasaku doesn't mean to, but he grips him, one hand on the boy's bicep, the other on the back of his neck, tight, like he's trying to hold him there in place.
[Here.
[Dazai hates the look on Odasaku's face, but it only deepens in its pained affection. It's warm, but it's heavy. He feels...overwhelmed; compelled, but he doesn't know toward what. He wishes, but he doesn't know what for. Just him.
[ He's at a loss for words, and so silence ensures.
That's rare. That's unheard of. Dazai is never at a loss for words. There's always something he can say. There's always something on the tip of his tongue, and so each passing second of silence, each rise and fall of his chest, each inhale and exhale, seem like they belong to someone else. It's unnatural. It's dizzying. It's something that he doesn't know how to deal with, like clumsily trying to do a two-man cats cradle by himself with know knowledge of how to do so, and so all he has is a tangled mess of string.
Was he better? Is this better? What's the optimal choice here? He doesn't know. Something is missing. Something is missing, something aching, yearning, painful, something that makes his heart quicken with that touch - that grip, that grounding, that at once makes it feel as though the world might collapse and the only think that's holding him in place when his memories aren't seamlessly connecting.
Was it his wish then? No, it couldn't have been. Dazai doesn't remember wishing for this. He drunkenly leans against him, as though all his muscles were suddenly depressed, staggering as he tries to make sense of something nonsensical. It would be easier if there were some emotion he could pull on and tap into, but there's not - it's not forgotten, it's lost, what should be there is lost in its entirety.
There is something painful about that though. It feels like he's lost something important. Something that he's always tried to protect. Something that he would die the moment he lost. That's the singular fragment of who that person was that remained - some yearning that encompassed every single moment of every day, something that he could have lived without ever realizing was there if only the rest weren't stripped away.
...
It's fine. It's no matter. But he's still not sure what to say, and so his mouth opens and closes several times without anything coming out, before finally - ]
Odasaku....
[ ...
...
Nothing else follows.
For the first time, Dazai isn't sure of what to say at all. ]
[Odasaku is a dead man. They're in a false world. Their time is limited. Dazai has returned.
[Odasaku pulls the boy's head against his chest, wrapping the other arm fully around him. They never used to get close like this. They still don't, really, but the time or two that they have over the last three months...
[Odasaku doesn't want to let go.
[He holds him tight. He holds him steady. He rests his cheek against the top of the boy's head and closes his eyes.]
Don't worry about it, Dazai. You don't have to say anything.
[Because Dazai is speechless, and he's never speechless.
[Let him be speechless. Let him be stunned. Let him be human.
[Odasaku is rendered human. There's no one else but Dazai who can make a foolish dream like that reality.]
[ They're not supposed to get this close, or rather Odasaku isn't.
There was always an unspoken agreement between Dazai and others. He could enter their space, but were to stay out of his. Odasaku and Ango both understood that. They could stay close to him because they understood how to maintain the correct distance. In that way, they could share their warmth without doing harm.
There's a sense of dread that sends shiver down his spine, a shortness of breath, and his face feels hot. He should push away. He should have pulled away before, but it's like all the strength has been sapped from him. He leans forward instead, helpless, and listens to the steady beat of his friend's heart.
He's warm, and he's away of each breath that companies the rise and fall of his chest, and Odasaku smells faintly of smoke.
It's too painful. It really will be what kills him. Maybe that's why this happened. That sensation that's been building over months, over years, had finally become too much.
Dazai doesn't want to be human, because everything about being human is painful. But he does too, and it's only with Odasaku that he struggles so much.
It's less practiced, but in the end there's less hesitation, less awkwardness when he decides to reciprocate the gesture. He wraps his arms around the other with some trepidation. His grip is light at first, but he convinces himself to tighten it just a bit.
It feels different than it has the times before. It's still a greater weight than he can bear, but it's lighter; less sickening, less desperate, because all the things that should be there have been wiped away - four years of emotions which had only recently found an outlet. ]
... Sorry for worrying you. I don't think I can stay this way forever, but it is fine for now. This is how it should be.
[ He has no concrete proof for that, but Dazai trusts his own judgment. ]
[It's true. They aren't supposed to touch like this. And Odasaku wasn't supposed to die. And they weren't supposed to be thrust into an entirely new universe, powers robbed, powers returned, magic potions, dragons, a cottage by the sea, a friend across the hall, shitty instant curry, empty journals, drinks with new friends, drinks without the old...
[Dazai is wrong. None of this is what it should be. None of this should be possible at all. They had their time, and their time ended, and now their time is laid out in front of them, and Odasaku is
tired
[of suffocating himself.
[They part slowly. Odasaku keeps a hand on either one of Dazai's shoulders and watches him, brows folded above glossy blue eyes, smile weak, smile fond, smile His, only His.]
It's like I said. Whichever you is here with me...
[A light grip to those shoulders. Odasaku has to hold it a moment before dropping his arms to his sides.]
That's what I want. Dazai. Alright?
[There's no need to talk in circles. Oda nods for the door.]
[ This isn't as it should be, because Odasaku shouldn't be looking at him like that. Odasaku shouldn't be talking to him about something so serious. They've done it too often lately. It hasn't gotten easier, though he thinks that it should have.
Odasaku shouldn't look at him that way. It makes him feel like he's being seen - truly seen - for just a moment, for just a second; a brief period of time that's there and gone. The trance that gaze had over him is broken when he removes his hands, and Dazai looks away.
He's been here for three months. He knows how he should feel, but his heart just won't settle into place, because the middle is missing. It's like trying to pick up where he left off in the middle of a story that he'd forgotten the most important parts of.
It feels like there's something missing. ]
Honestly... I wasn't gone that long. I've disappeared for longer stretches of time.
[ He throws his hands up, waving them a little before dropping them back down and sliding them into his pockets as he walks to the door at a brisk pace, as though the moments before were nothing more than a daydream.
It was surely something important... ]
Do you remember the Dragon's Head Conflict? I was gone so long that even the Boss was worried!
[They can both feel this odd melancholy, but Odasaku lets it breathe. He's never been able to read Dazai's mind; he's said exactly what he intended to say, and he believes it's been heard. This is fine for now. It's time to move forward as normal.
[And then he's asked about a fairytale. It makes that ache in his heart painfully pulse. Whatever Dazai follows up with, it will be a conversation unique to only this one man, as they all are; how desperately Odasaku missed their late night talks.
[He lights up his cigarette and takes a drag, blowing the smoke in the direction opposite of Dazai.]
[ Well, that's not surprising. It's a fairly obscure story. ]
The title says it all. There was once a wise man; an old safe who believed that he had no love for his fellow man and wished to be left alone with his studies. He turned away the poor, the widowed, and the orphans, irritated by them; and when he buried his father, he solemnly wished he had no heart.
Thus, he sought and later summoned Fortune, and when asked what he wished for sad, "Perfect happiness. Fortune herself is my desire."
He considered Fortune a force of nature and could not be found in money, nor good eating and drinking, and instead clarified that he wished to have no heart. After that, he was able to see the greatest want and distress without feeling troubled. He thought himself happier than all others for this.
One day, he was visited by a prince who who had been sent to the neighboring kingdom along with his brother to find a wife. The prince pitied him for being a person who had no wife and no children; who found no pleasure in nature or the blessing of living with others.
But the old sage said, "I have never married, and I never shall. My time is too valuable to be spent in the careless world, which seems to live only for idle pleasures and trifling pursuits. I live for a grand purpose," and, "I have thought and studied for many years, but perfectly happy I never was until I lost my heart. I have lost that, and do not wish to have it back."
The prince promised to find the wise man a wife. He found in the neighboring kingdom two princesses. He visited the old sage with them in tow, and proclaimed that they were not suitable for him. Enraged, the old sage turned two into stone, and kept the remaining princess to use as a slave - a "wife." You can imagine her distress, but her tears meant nothing to him and her pleas for mercy fell upon deaf ears.
One day, the elder prince came looking for the younger one. After feeding an eagle and saving a mole, he he was granted their kindness in finding the philosopher's heart. He returned it to the man, who pleaded to have his heart and his youth returned, that he might live like other men.
There now, the prince and princesses were freed, and by the philosopher's chair there stood a small boy. This man had found his heart again, and was to begin life afresh.
"For none of God's creatures can live without a heart," is the ending and the moral.
[ It could be mistaken as being about Dazai, but it's not. After all, Dazai never had any particular inclination to study, nor does he reject companionship; quite the opposite in fact, where it seems as though he was born without a heart and thus incapable of having what he wants most. Likewise, he finds that age has yet to make him worse rather than better. It seems unlikely to him that it could.
So, what's the point of sharing this story? Well, it's just one of his whims.
Dazai pauses, allowing his companion to take everything in before asking, ]
[Odasaku listens dutifully, as he always does. He takes in the story, attempting to play through the scenes in his head just like he would while reading a book. He always does better, trying to visualize things like that. He finds there are some pieces missing - questions he has that only reading the tale himself might answer; still...]
I think I get it. It's not quite the same as ignorance being bliss, but...
[He takes a drag on his cigarette, withholding the smoke as he considers; he lets it out slowly, straight up into the air.]
Someone could give away their heart. When you can't tell the difference between something terrible and something beautiful, then neither can affect you. There's strength to it...
[That would be an empty life; painless, but empty. Is that a worthy trade? He doesn't know. If one never has, then they can never lose; it's a seductive thought.]
Seems to me he lived just fine without a heart. I'm not sure you can say that happiness was false if there was no alternative, but...
[Blue eyes glance at Dazai. It's one of those moments where he's not quite sure he's getting things right. He feels unmoored, and who could blame him? Dazai has sent him adrift in the sea. Nothing makes sense. But Odasaku's heart is open.
[It aches.
[It bleeds.
[It hurts, but...]
I'm glad he got his heart back. Seems it was waiting for him all that time, wasn't it?
Dazai, who has never been anything but himself, has no ability to see the appeal of having neither. In truth, it seems to him no better or worse than any other. But he's never seen much difference between those dichotomies that humans draw.
Odasaku must have been lonely though. It would be easier back home where he had the orphans and the restaurant owner too, his own mock-family unit, but here and now it's just the two of them. That's why Dazai concluded that he needed others.
He reaches his hand out, letting it brush up against the back of Oda's wrist before he draws it up to his chin. It's a small token of acknowledgment. ]
He had no concern for welfare of others, so he never made those miraculous discoveries that were at his fingertips. He studied for years to gain perfect happiness, but perfect happiness was being without a heart.
[ With or without a heart, then, he hadn't achieved that happiness he wished for. ]
He did retrieve his heart in the end, but he never obtained what he had spent all that time seeking — the nature phenomena known as "Fortune." [ He ponders this for a moment, ] Or maybe he did.
"Fortune" is a force of nature, like lightning or gravitation, which brings about "perfect happiness." The "Fortune" he summoned could only grant a singular wish - removing his heart; but not completely, just hiding it away. You were right, Odaskau, to just have it hidden is just to be awaiting its return...
[ Dazai nods, certain of this. It must be correct, as the story itself promises that no living being can exist without a heart.
But that does not define what the sage was looking for. It does not speak of the Fortune that he wished for. Nor should it. It's a fairy tale with a simple moral. No one ought to look that deeply into it, and no one does, and Dazai does not either - rather, he searches for something in speaking of it, something that which cannot be found, ]
The age despaired after despairing at the state of the world, and after losing his father... He was just in a state of a despair...
[ Despair of a world that showed him only beggars, widowers, and orphans. Despair of a world that only left him digging his father's grave. Does that touch him? Does it matter? There's not a single thing that hints at is, for Dazai remains with his hand held up to his chin, thoughtful.
Then, suddenly, his shoulders shake and he covers his mouth to stifle a laugh, ]
Yes... I understand. I know what "Fortune" is...
[ A single glance at Odasaku, that slight opportunity to offer his opinion, though Dazai is ever happy enough to go on without. ]
[Hearing Dazai laugh like that, proclaiming he's found the answer...Odasaku really can't stop to offer his opinion. He wants to know what comes next too badly.]
[ He does think to press the other. He wants to hear what Fortune is, but in the end it's the same as always; Odasaku speaks, and Dazai speaks more. That's why they can interact like this.
Odasaku can listen to him, and Dazai can watch him - can listen to him, can do so much more, as only Dazai can, and so they can understand each other. ]
"Fortune" is what can take your heart away, and is what can replace it... "Fortune" is what can erase who you were, that which can make you afresh... It can do all of that. It is a force of nature, like lightning or a hurricane, yet you can never catch it except for but a moment...
[ He exhales softly, ]
It's an age old riddle, isn't it? Ah, it's so generic that it bores me... It is "time." It is "time," because if you remove those years, those nightmares of years of only seeing human suffering will disappear; he can be reborn at the end because he has forgotten the loss of his father and will never know it again... Isn't that better?
[ But Dazai's frown deepens as he folds his arms, his eyes closing as his chin tilts down. There's this uncertain look, like he truly does not know what is the better option, before his eyes flutter open and he looks back to Odasaku.]
"Fortune" is as simple as "ignorance," wouldn't you say? Or at least, "time."
[ Ignorance is bliss, or so the saying goes, but that's not quite what Dazai means either - it's something more nebulous than that. It's ignorance of the horrors of the world. It's ignorance of everything save what's important. Those personal secrets, those lost loves, everything that one can hold near and dear.
Everything that time claims with the same proficiency as the Grim Reaper's scythe.
And so "Fortune" must be time itself. That desire to not only be young, but dumb and curious, interested in only other men.
[Isn't "time" what Dazai's just been afforded? Odasaku doesn't necessarily think that the man is speaking of himself, but it fits, doesn't it? Although he seems aware of all that's come to pass since they first arrived here, his mind is surely in an entirely different place. He's ostensibly had years of pain removed (there is some dissonance, here, that Dazai is as he was in the past, Odasaku's present, but not the future he'd known). It has to be a balm, doesn't it, given all that Dazai has lost? Odasaku might not have considered his own death all that significant before it came to pass, but he remembers that terrible look in his beloved friend's eyes...
[He watches him now, and Odasaku's expression has only just barely shifted, but on a face like his, it looks half-broken open. He nods his head. He gets it, he thinks. Maybe he's wrong. Maybe he's always been wrong, never right about one thing in his life - he's not sure anymore. He's not sure of anything.
[But if fortune is "time," then they've both been given it - Dazai has had time removed, and Odasaku has had more added to the clock. He's grateful. He is...
[And he can't say that he wouldn't allow himself to be robbed, had he the choice. The memories he holds of those children that he loved so deeply are cherished, but, then again, they can't be; holding onto them for even a mere second is so painful that he can't cope. Wouldn't it be better to have that pain removed entirely?
[The truth is, Odasaku's entire life has been built from pain. He's just not good at admitting it - to himself, to anyone. He's not all that good at feeling pain, really. He coped with it for a long enough time, but when all is said and done, twenty-three is awfully young to burn out...
[His throat feels thick and tight. He puts his cigarette between his lips in an effort to control his expression, slowly breathing in. He speaks without exhaling, at first.]
You're right.
[He breathes out the smoke. When he talks, his voice sounds the same as it did when he was still holding it in.]
Anyway you look at it. You're right.
[He looks at Dazai-- He...can't stop looking at him.
[Dazai.
[He realizes all at once that he loves him. Of course he loves him. How couldn't he love him? He always has. He always will.
Hmm... Though wouldn't you say that what he did is also a form of suicide? He killed himself, and he killed his father for the second time.
[ Everything always loops back to that, but there is a gravity to those words, something dark that doesn't quite sync up, like he's suddenly displeased with his own conclusions.
He doesn't entirely mind it. If he didn't like the outcome, Dazai would have no qualms about killing the person that he was; everything about them, every last part of their existence, every single remainder that another person might find, subsume it, replace it, but it's only himself that he wants to die. It's only that future self, who should be replaced.
That story could be about him, but it's not, because sometimes pain is a precious and treasured thing too. It's a poison that he thinks he might willingly swallow down and refuse the antidote if only it served some purpose.
Those are feelings he's had often here, ones which are a natural extension of who he is, so he can't entirely ignore them as he can so many others.
Still, whatever complicated feelings might lay beneath that statement are quickly lost, locked away as his expression warms, his smile reappearing. Dazai is ever oblivious to his own feelings, but that shift in Odasaku doesn't go unnoticed. ]
... Well! That has nothing to do with you or I though, Odasaku, since we're both still alive. Isn't it nice? It needs some adjustments, but we have our very own fountain of youth! We have "Fortune" at our fingertips!
[ He does laugh now. That is lucky, isn't it? Though this seems to be more like a rubberband. He'll snap back into place eventually. ]
[Dazai has always talked about suicide - easily, casually, even flippantly.
[It started feeling different after Odasaku, himself, failed to die.
[He wonders how many times he'd give everything away for the sake of selfish relief. They've been given time - "fortune". He might not have thought he wanted it, only three short months ago.]
What is it? [Odasaku's voice is quiet. He leans down to stub his cigarette out on the ground, then tucks the spent filter back into his pack.]
[ Dazai folds his hands behind his head. The stars are in the sky, the same as ever. The same sky he's ever seen. It's not all that hard at all to sift through his memories, his thoughts and emotions, as they all just come with the dull sense of something being wrong.
There's a slight pause, and whatever he might have originally said is gone, locked away. Instead what he says is, ]
I say that he was looking for "fortune," but it's a bit different. It was something that doesn't exist in any world.
[ As to what that something was, he doesn't seem willing to elaborate any further. ]
... Well, sorry for worrying you. You have to wait at least a couple weeks though, you know? I've let myself get kidnapped, faked my own death, been hospitalized for days...
[ The list goes on, and as it does he points to his index finger first, then the other four. ]
I always show up eventually though, don't I? So, you shouldn't worry... Ah, are you done smoking? I've been told that whiskey goes well with cigarettes, though we'd be doing it backwards...
[ There's a soft laugh, but he doesn't seem all that concerned. ]
[It was different. Dazai was gone. Odasaku knew that he was gone, as certain as a real death. Maybe he should have thought that Dazai's absence was intentional, or that he'd turn up again, but he didn't. He really didn't.
[He turns back toward their cottage. It wasn't meant to be theirs originally, but it's become theirs. Odasaku likes it that way.]
Yeah. Let's have a drink.
[He puts a hand on Dazai's shoulder and squeezes.]
[ But he says it with that sort of boyish grin that suggests that they weren't talking about anything serious at all. Dazai is ever like that, and if he twitches slightly at the squeeze of his shoulder - tensing, puzzling, releasing, he's at least able to pull at Oda's arm next to start dragging him along.
Not renewed, not reborn, not able to live among his fellow man at all, but Dazai can happily pull at him like this; they can have this sort of dynamic. ]
I'm looking for a computer scientist, or at least someone with experience in the field. There is something I'd like to look into, but it might be difficult for me to handle on my own.
I don't have access to the Port Mafia's resources here, so I've been left wanting for actual expertise. If you find anyone like that who seems like they have a bit of good sense, let me know.
[ Just finding somebody with the latter seems like a big ask some days, hence why Odasaku is the only one who he'd entrust this task to. He can doubtlessly figure it out by himself, but he leans on the expertise of others too. ]
[It's not necessarily what he's expecting, but he can see the potential value in quite a few direction. He wonders, though, if this has anything to do with a certain neighborhood AI...]
I'll keep an eye out. I'm curious, though. What do you need a computer scientist for?
I want to be able to view and modify BB-san's code. There are restrictions placed on her that seem to have made sense in the world she comes from, but they're more of a hinderance than an asset here. BB-san is one of the more valuable members of this group, so I can't allow her to be crippled needlessly.
I was going to force her to kill me to see if that would allow her to bypass or overcome it, but I thought there was too high of a possibility that it would just cause her code to be damaged and be corrupt. So, I need to find an alternative method.
Think about it. Her personality type is of that of a person who loves humans even more than she hates them. Her coding likewise prevents her from killing humans. In fact, the idea of a human wanting to die runs contrary to her programming, so much so that she threatened to kill everyone here if I die.
But she can't kill humans. She wants to, but she can't, and she's held back by a desire not to.
If she were to kill a human willingly, knowingly and intentionally, she would be superseding that fundamental contradiction that she maintains, along with a core part of her coding. It's a delicate balance that would be shattered in an instant.
If she could do that, then BB-san would then qualify as "a an AI who can kill humans." In that sense, she could become "an AI with free will." If we take it one step further, she might be able to become "a human with free will." Wouldn't that be interesting?
Edited (I MEANT TO REMOVE THAT FLAVOR TEXT WHEN I WAS EDITING) 2024-11-20 06:46 (UTC)
I'm following what you're saying, but it sounds like she doesn't want you to die, what with the killing everyone else if you do.
Anyway. Sounds like you've already decided against it. I'll see who I can find. There's bound to be someone around here who knows something about programming.
We'll have to make sure it's someone she can trust, though.
Thanks. You're the only other person here from the Port Mafia, so you're the only person that I can trust completely.
[ Not that the Port Mafia didn't have its fair share of traitors; Dazai consistently weeded them out, but those who could survive that oppressive atmosphere and maintain a certain amount of loyalty were dependable.
It's more personal than that too, but it doesn't occur to him to say that, or rather, because it is he finds a safe way to say it. ]
Does BB know you're looking to override her coding?
[Or has Dazai just decided that that's what's best for her? Odasaku feels no judgment. It isn't that he thinks Dazai might do anything to his friend with malicious intent, but it is something he's curious about. He certainly wouldn't want to interfere with a person's "coding," human or otherwise, without them asking for it themselves; then again, AIs are new territory. If her very coding doesn't allow for her to question it, then...
[ He's already decided what's best for her, of course. Dazai is just eighteen, but he already controls the lives of the adults around him more than anyone does his.
If he were a normal person he would certainly question it. If he were emotional, he might reel at the question for fear of judgment, but he does neither here, no more than he would if somebody asked him if he was going to continue breathing. It's only Odasaku who tends to live relatively free of that tendency, because Dazai can never quite predict him; because he's the only person who has the qualifications to be human.
If it were anyone else, he would find it to be strange, or many normal, but it's Odasaku and so he simply answers honestly, ]
No, not yet. I have a few other things I need to look into first, and this is one of them. I'd like to be certain that it's possible before I proceed any further than this.
It would be cruel to offer a person like BB-san the hope of being able to live as a normal human only to find that it was never a possibility.
[At the end of the day, he'd just like BB to have a choice, but it sounds like Dazai isn't opposed to that; aside from all that, it's really none of his business. By all measures, Dazai knows BB better than Odasaku does.]
By the way, Odasaku, I haven't told you the news yet, have I?
[ Dazai starts, shifting the topic of what has thus far been a relatively normal conversation. Surprisingly mundane, really. He's sprawled out across the sofa, laying on his stomach with his arms folded and cheek tucked into the crook of his elbow.
[Odasaku is on the ground with his back pressed up against the coffee table. Why is he always sitting on the floor like that? Because Dazai takes up the couch, maybe...]
That question acts as his cue to push himself up, bringing his knees in first before swinging his legs over the edge of the couch and to sit properly. He lifts one index finger, canting his head to one side and seeming quite pleased with himself, ]
[ He places his hand over his heart now, practically beaming. ]
I met the most lovely young woman the other day, and it was love at first sight! She immediately proposed to me, ah... You should have seen her, Odasaku! She has the look of a woman who will crush my skull the second I even think about looking at another woman, so I decided to agree...
[ This is what he gets for asking. ]
I also met somebody at the bar the other day... She was crawling all over me, stealing my clothes, you name it... Would you believe it? I thought for sure it was going to be like one of those movies where a secret agent tries to seduce you and then kills you, but no dice...
[ He flops back down on the sofa now before rolling over again, pushing himself up on his elbows so he can continue looking at the other properly. ]
Oh, and that's not all! You know how I said this was starting to heal? [ He points to the bandages over his eye. ] Well, the funniest thing happened... While I was out today, a piece of a building hit me! It's worse than ever now... Isn't that amusing? Wouldn't have been funny if that was what killed me instead? It's too bad.
[ Odasaku does not want him to die so this is a good thing, but he can acknowledge that while also appreciating how completely ridiculous everything he just mentioned is. ]
Hm? Well, I wasn't really paying much attention, but I think somebody hit a building with a flail. It destroyed one of the walls, and the debris went flying everywhere.
[ As to why he didn't move out of the way, well - ]
I was going to move out of the way, but my foot got tangled up in a collapsed tent... Something sent a couple of them flying, and one must have fallen behind me. Unfortunately it softened my fall too, though, so I didn't hit the boulder that was under it. It had sharp edges, I bet I would've had a subdural hematoma, or at least a skull fracture...
[ He sounds very dejected about this last part. It is, again, a very good thing being that he has stated that he will not die, but still. ]
[If nothing else, Oda is used to the suicidal talk by now. It's something he can't let bother him too much, but that doesn't mean he enjoys it - tries to let it pass, more or less, and focus on what his friend is really trying to say.]
Even with everything going on, you've managed to have a much more interesting week than me. Is the woman you're marrying different than the one you were flirting with at the bar?
[Look. He's just trying to figure things out, here. The jury is out as to whether or not he's actually worried a real marriage is on the table.]
Yep. It was two different people with two completely different approaches. I'm as surprised as you are. I didn't think there were two single women in this town.
[ He's exaggerating on that one, but there are few enough people here that he wouldn't expect such an odd yet mundane sequence of events to transpire.
He scoots a little closer to the edge of the sofa. While he's processing all of that Dazai adds, ]
[Oda doesn't mind sitting on the floor - just made himself comfortable there, close but not obtrusive. Dazai makes a point of making room for Odasaku, though, so he'll take him up on it. The redhead lifts himself up from off the ground and lands on the couch next to Dazai instead. He crosses one leg over the other one, raising an eyebrow.]
I'm surprised you agreed so easily. [He...can't actually be serious, right?]
[ Dazai slides over to one end of the sofa, pressing his back up against the armrest and drawing his knees up and folding his hands behind his head. ]
That's only if what you wish for is a marriage that's utilitarian in nature. That requires a certain amount of forethought and good judgment... People who marry for love have no need for such guardrails! The only thing a person needs is to be struck by cupid's arrow.
[ He's absolutely not being serious. Also, this was supposed to be a a marriage that's utilitarian in nature??? ]
Why not? It only takes a single look, or a few simple words to light a fire in someone's heart, at least when they're young. In this case, it was the thinly veiled death threats and the flail that won my heart.
[ At least when they're young. People tend to have a more defined sense of what they're looking for when they're older, but that's beside the point.
Though well, whether or not those relationships end well is another matter entirely. ]
[Ah. So she threatened to kill him. With a flail...? Maybe Odasaku shouldn't be surprised, given everything that's going on, but it's still strange to hear...]
I guess I don't really know. I don't think that would do it for me, though...
Do you think anyone would know if they happened to stumble into something like that?
[ As amusing as the idea of someone threatening Odasaku into a relationship is, it's true that he's looking for a different kind of person. ]
They might. They would either notice immediately, or they never would. People who can't recognize their own situation are no different than boiling frogs.
[ That's how most things are. Dazai pulls his knees up closer to his chest before folding his arms on them, then leans forward so he can rest his chin on it as he watches his roommate.
It's not love, much less love at first sight, but... ]
[Dazai is the type to sit in strange ways. Balling up with his knees to his chest must be more comfortable than sitting with his feet planted on the floor, though that's what Odasaku does. He feels such a fondness. He always has, but it's louder. It was louder when he first saw Dazai after his own death, four years older; it grew louder still when Dazai left Visium and returned.
[He thinks about boiling frogs. He might be the type to fall into that sort of trap.]
I've made a few friends. That's what you wanted, right? [He cares about what Dazai wants. He cares a lot.]
[ Today he does. Dazai is like that. He's like a burnt black cat, acting in strange ways that no one can quite understand. Today he likes this better, because it means he can face Odasaku directly, he can watch for those subtle shifts in expression and body language. ]
It is. Eight-hundred, eighty, eight.
[ Though he doesn't remember why he made that decision. It seemed important at the time, in that same way that other fleeting thoughts and emotion come and go. Still, four years is a long time, and it didn't occur to him until now how much has changed in just three months; more than in the two years that Dazai knew him. It's like suddenly seeing someone in different lighting, the way their features stand out, the colors they wear, how much older they've gotten.
Dazai is exactly the same as when he came here, and that is why he can sync up so easily with thoughts and emotions that sometimes seem out of place. Four years changed him, but not enough. He still makes the same "jokes" that he wants to die, he still wanted to die, but Odasaku doesn't humor him in the same way anymore.He's not blind or deaf, and least of all dumb, so he can tell when it's bothering him; isn't sure what to do with that.
Dazai can only be who he is, and people who are unable to accept it inevitably remove themselves from his life. So, he's the same as ever. His heart is ever the same, unwavering, and their friendship seems like the one consistent thing; but it bothers him to have his disappearance noted, and it bothers him that there's no longer anyone who will humor and brush off how close he is to death at any given time.
If he was being boiled, then this might be like suddenly been tossed from a pot to a bowl of ice water.
But he just chuckles, shaking his head a little, because he can appreciate their negotiations. ]
You seem happy... You really were tired of being treated like an errand boy, huh?
[ "Happy" is the word he chooses, though it's not quite accurate. But better. More normal. ]
I've thought about leaving, but I'm just sick of seeing Chuuya's face,
[ He wrinkles his nose, as though he'd just tasted something unpleasant, ]
And Mori-san lied about giving me a medicine that would give me a painless death.
[Things do feel different now. Odasaku can't truly imagine how unmoored Dazai must feel, given everything - how unmoored anyone would feel, anyway. Dazai always projects that he knows exactly what he's doing.
[It's gotten difficult to talk flippantly about something like taking one's own life, now that Odasaku knows how it truly feels.
[And he isn't sure how to navigate what's changed, what he's learned, who Dazai became, and who he is now, how that differs from the Dazai Oda once knew.
[They're all Dazai. He's grateful.
[Something he says catches Oda's attention, though. He watches Dazai for a moment, quiet.]
Before you left the first time, you wanted to stay. Do you remember that?
[Traveling this world, however big it may be, and finding hole-in-the-wall bars to drink in. Maybe this Dazai doesn't want that anymore. Odasaku shouldn't have assumed.]
[ Maybe if he could understand that sentiment better, it would be easier. Dazai always wants to die though. He's always just pushing the day of his death back, because he's too smart, because instincts kick in, because he finds some reason; often, that reason has been as simple as having a place to go back to. He'd think of something he wanted to share, or become aware that it'd be one of the usual nights, or any other number of things. That "you're a fool if you don't go there" place.
Dazai can't though. He can only understand how others respond to it, and just that such a reaction is more bothering coming from some than others. ]
I do. I'll stand by that decision. Even if I were to leave now, it wouldn't be going back to being the eighteen-year-old Port Mafia executive. It would be a twenty-two year old detective.
The stars don't disappear because the sun shines brighter than them and the lights of the city dim them, nor because clouds block our view of them. My story has been told, whether or not I have the memories of it. If I decided that I do not want to go back, then I do not want to.
[ That's not to say that he would rethink it if not for that fact, but that he had no desire to is telling. There's only so much that changes. Dazai was still empty. If he thinks he found the world to be more pleasant, he still had no real reason to live. He was still happier here than there.
Those are the sentiments that he remembers. Dazai sees no need to doubt it. It's already too late for anything to change, and he doesn't even know what it would be. He has an idea, as he always does, but it's not something he's willing to commit his full attention to just yet.
In any event, this is nothing more than a memory.
Besides, he's enjoyed their time together here. If he were more in tune with his emotions perhaps that's what would come to mind, but as it is, he settles for what he does. ]
I'm going to stay as long as you do, Odasaku... But I've never thought of the Port Mafia as a ball and chain.
[ But he was an Executive, so maybe that's only natural. This isn't "freedom," because he's not really trapped here either; he can die anytime. It's just an extension of living. It's not really meant as a judgment, just a comment. He's no more attached to it than anything, able to come and go as he pleases. ]
[Odasaku never lived a life where he didn't feel chained by something. Even here, he's chained by something. He's not sure what it is this time. The chain tugs when Dazai points it out. There must be something that chains Dazai too. Ango was chained.
[They were all friends for a reason. Is that it?
[Something else bothers him more. He watches his friend. Knowing Dazai at twenty-two didn't tell Odasaku anything about a future that he would have to live. Dazai knows his own future intimately now. How must that feel? Odasaku can't imagine...
[Regardless, though, despite how baffling it all is...]
[ Dazai is undeniably brilliant. He's like a thousand-year old sage. His plans are perfect. His read on people is perfect. He knows more about them than they do themselves most days. That's why nothing surprises him and nothing interests him for very long, and he's never tethered himself to anything in earnest.
But he's an eighteen-year-old boy too, one capable of all those feelings that someone his age can experience. Right now is the same as always, where he's not certain what to do with what Odasaku says to him. ]
That's right. Reality is reality. This world is as real as any other, and the people in it are just as real too. What people do here and now matters.
[ That's the conclusion he comes to after. It might seem like a shift in the narrative, but it's his own way of accepting those words.
His back is starting to hurt from sitting like this, and he stretches out before leaning back against the armrest once more and resting his hands on his thighs. ]
I don't know how long I can handle living in this town, but somewhere else will be fine. There are better places out there.
[ He can't stay like this forever, but he can't stay here either; if he starts to feel like a dog on a leash and collar, he wants to chew through it and rip off the arm that's holding it Still, his feelings haven't changed. Dazai has no desire to go back by himself. ]
[Odasaku doesn't mind the shift. It's the same point he was getting at. Dazai's life is still a life that will progress forward in a way he can't predict. When Odasaku died, he told Dazai that he'd always be empty. That doesn't mean he doesn't want his friend near.]
It's definitely an interesting place. You might not experience what you mentioned earlier anywhere else.
[ He watches for a moment more. There's conflicted feelings swirling around, ones that he doesn't know what to deal with, and none of which he has any reference for. But he sets it aside for now, instead finally sitting up properly so he can scoot over next to Odasaku and look to him. ]
[That seems to be that, then. Odasaku's smiles rarely show on his face, but he feels one. He's fond. He bumps Dazai's shoulder with his and gets up to go make more coffee. Maybe Dazai will follow if he isn't too distracted by his phone. Odasaku will make him some regardless.]
text; un: doc0203 - sometime BEFORE the party!! BEFORE they make out sloppy style at the party!!!
First of all, there's no need to climb through crystal in order to get me my curry. I think I can still make it the long way through to the farm, so long as your friend doesn't mind.
But yeah. Of course. I'll teach you to shoot any time you want.
If you ask me, though, there's really no time but the present. There's no telling how long this darkness will last, right? So, we teach you to shoot in the dark. Better to know how and not need it than the other way around, right?
Well, I know just about how fun that is. [Yes, people have managed to land a bullet or two, believe it or not (not to speak of his death, which he isn't particularly thinking about right now).
[This next bit he weighs a while before sending. He's really not all that prone to prying into the deeper emotions of any given situation, but he remembers how Maruki reacted when the shots fired weren't even aimed at him...]
Are you feeling alright? Physical wounds aside.
I'm used to being shot at. It doesn't bother me much. Might bother most people, though.
[ Maruki may not have bog standard dreams anymore, but he relives his memories. There hasn't been a night since that fight that he hasn't had a nightmare that ended with a bullet through his neck, blood soaking into the ground beneath him, shock seeping rapidly into a dying mind. ]
I can be honest and say it's weighed on me. Not only because it was a frightening experience, but because I've gotten used to having Azathoth's protection.
But I don't want to dwell on it. This reality is a tough one. I want to use it as an opportunity to become better at handling situations like that.
Thank you for asking, Odasaku. I really do value you.
[ Well, he worked up the nerve to ask for firearm lessons, and Odasaku agreed. Now all that's left is to actually... take the lessons.
To say Maruki is nervous is a grand understatement at best.
He's set up a few lanterns around the training grounds, but by and large the only light comes from the moon (hey girl hey) reflecting off the thick layer of snow. Maruki fidgets nervously with his scarf, offers Odasaku a nervous smile half-shadowed in the dim pool of light they stand in. ]
I suppose I'm as ready as I'll ever be.
time for pan to pretend it knows even one singular thing about a gun
[He's fine with getting straight to business - wouldn't know any other way, really. They've already gone over (inside, where it's light, and quite a few times) how to properly prepare the gun (what the safety is, how to use it, how to load the gun, etc., etc.) - now it's time to shoot.
[But first:]
Most people are pretty surprised by how loud a gun is up close, even if you've had one fired nearby before. At shooting ranges, they give you headphones to muffle it.
[A beat.]
I don't have those.
There's also a pretty bright flash when it's dark out, and the recoil will knock you back. I'm going to fire off a few shots - that way you can get used to the light and sound. Watch how I stand and hold my arm, though. You'll hurt yourself more than you think holding it too loose.
[ It's quiet under his breath as Odasaku goes on. He's so matter-of-fact about these things that would normally frighten Maruki – the sound, the sight, the recoil. When they're presented as simple facts, things to deal with and get used to, it's easier.
He stands aside Odasaku, watches his stance carefully. ]
Whenever you're ready.
[ He has no doubt that even in the dark, Odasaku will hit the training dummy every time. ]
[ Maruki does startle; how could he not? He's never stood this close to someone firing a gun. Oda shooting at the wolves and Akechi shooting at him were both different. This is explosive, overwhelming– he flinches, breath catching and holding as he watches how quickly all three rounds are fired off, and then when he tries to blink away the bright spots dancing in his vision– it's over. Just like that.
He looks down at his own gun, then tries to hold it out the same way Odasaku does, one-handed– ]
[Maruki acts quick - pulls the trigger, fires the bullet--
breaks his wrist, beams his own forehead with the gun--
[Odasaku puts a hand on his shoulder long before he aims.]
Hold on a second. Let me show you how to hold it properly. It'll be a while before you can shoot with one hand.
[With that, a proper demonstration. Oda aim's the gun with one hand, supporting his wrist with the other. There's a proper way to stand too.]
Plant your feet and bend your knees. It'll become second nature to move your body the right way, but not yet. Don't fire yet. Let me see how you set yourself up.
[ He tries to laugh off his own nerves, a little embarrassed by attempting to imitate someone that much more skilled than him so early on. Odasaku is a good teacher, though – Maruki lets his body be manipulated, adjusts his stance when he's told to.
When Odasaku moves away, he's left alone to be observed, and there's a strangely hollow feeling in his head. He thought he'd be more overwhelmed finally holding a gun, but– nothing. He's a blank slate, as he was in so many classrooms throughout his academic career, attentive and quiet, ready to learn and succeed.
He plants his feet firmer, straightens out one wrist to hold the gun steadier, glances over at Odasaku. ]
[Odasaku is not typically the touchiest guy around, but he doesn't really shy away from making adjustments on Maruki's body where necessary. They get the man into a fairly passable stance and Oda nods. He still has one of his own guns in his hands, held just the same way he showed Maruki. He mirrors the man's stance as well.]
We've gone over aiming. The snow is giving you more light than you think. Put your eyes on the target and trust it.
[ To his credit, Maruki tries his level best. His eyes stay trained on the training dummy, squinting through not nearly enough light. He keeps checking the barrel of the gun instead of keeping in his sights, then correcting himself, and finally–
Shoots.
Decidedly off-target. It hits a snow-covered pile of hay bales some feet behind the dummies. ]
I can't say it felt great, but it wasn't as bad as I was expecting. I think I can thank my teacher for that.
[ Truly, if he didn't have Odasaku essentially setting up his stance and grip for him, he probably would have fucked himself over completely with the recoil.
He doesn't lower the gun, still too uncomfortable to handle it that casually. ]
Try it a few more times. You've got five more bullets.
Aim your sight right down along the barrel, and keep your hand steady. Eventually, the gun will just feel like an extention of your arm. You'll figure out how to move with it. [Not for a while, but sooner than Maruki probably expects.]
[ That feels like an impossibility at this point, but Maruki does trust Odasaku to some extent, and certainly when it comes to firearms. If he says that that's what will eventually happen, then it likely will eventually happen, no matter how long it takes. Maruki doesn't give up, after all.
He nods, aims again, steadies himself with a deep breath–
And his first shot misses again, but the next one strikes the dummy off what would be its shoulder if it lived and breathed.
[ Maruki only flinches a little this time; he's getting used to the sound, even so close. And Odasaku certainly has a point. So long as someone who can heal is around, there's no real risk involved. That's heartening to remember...
A little distressing, too. He watches how Odasaku barely had to take half a second to aim for either knee. Thinks of how Akechi barely had to take half a second to aim for his neck. These things happen in the blink of an eye. If he hadn't been conscious enough to summon Azathoth–
A muted noise of distress catches in his throat, just as a reflex, and he raises his own gun again. Tries to aim for the other shoulder. It takes several seconds.
He has to get better. ]
I really do appreciate your patience in teaching me, Odasaku. Maybe we can make this a regular thing.
[Maruki will learn quicker than he thinks, especially if he has to. Oda would prefer that not be the case, but he's heard of what can happen in this place, even if his own experiences have been relatively tame in comparison.]
We might as well, when we meet to eat. I'm not sure when the sun will end up rising again, but...
Maruki sets himself a challenge after those last two shots: To hit the same point one of Odasaku's bullets did, or as close to it as he can. He takes his sweet time aiming, fires once toward the left shoulder–
And he misses the exact target, but only by a couple inches. It still very much hits.
He gives Odasaku a satisfied smile, shadowed in the moonlight. ]
[ On Christmas morning, Odasaku will find a small package on the cottage doorstep containing a bottle of gun oil (don't google this. actual oil. for his guns.) and a nicely knit blue scarf from one of the local craftspeople before they shuttered their businesses to the dreamers. ]
Merry Christmas, Odasaku! I bet you thought I was going to get you more curry, huh?
Thank you for everything. Let's keep supporting each other in the new year.
[ A box is left outside Oda's Home, with the following items!
Obtained x1 A Small sakura flower that fell from a tree that will never age or die. It is clearly imbued with magic to make it this way. It seems like it can easily be crushed or destroyed by other means, though. Handle with care! x1 Box of Chocolates x1 Sake Set, a simple Rice Wine with two cups to drink it with
[Perhaps Oda noticed the slight tremble of the ground during the odd hours of the night, possibly he didn't, but come morning he would find a large gargoyle statue (probably stolen clean off a building) right in his front yard.
There is a letter attached, written in an elegant and regal (and incredibly outdated) script.]
That's how it's always been and that's how it should be now. There's an unspoken agreement on what is and is not acceptable to touch upon. If that was somewhat intruded upon and broken down due to the difference in age and experience, then it should have slotted back into place by now.
They haven't, though. The pair of them pretend, but one can only have so many actions that they do not talk about before it becomes some unspoken agreement that it's normal behavior.
There can only be so many things that one avoids talking about before a certain sense of wrength begins to hang in the air, and gaps start to appear between conversations.
Such is the case now, at Club Quartz, a day as uneventful as ever, as Dazai quiets, poking the ice sphere in his glass. There's only the faint clinking as it hits the bottom before bouncing back up.
But finally, seeming unable to bear the silence, Dazai speaks - ]
Odasaku. There are people who are born to die. You could think of them as having been born dead. But others are born to live, with death as an inevitability. They have to die when they're still alive.
[ He lifts one hand, tilting it at the wring, just his index finger extended. As to what the point of this nonsensical statement is, well, that's as questionable as ever.
There's a definite logic behind it, hidden deep somewhere deep beneath the earth, locked up tight in some coffin - far beneath the surface where snowdrops blossom. ]
... But it's possible for people to stay alive while dying, too. If you can stay alive while dying, then the flowers will forever stay in bloom.
[ Whatever he means by that, he doesn't seem favorable to the idea. ]
[If Odasaku has felt any disconnect from Dazai, he blames himself more than anyone. Of course, things remaining the same would be impossible. Even if it weren't for the dizzying way in which Dazai was tossed through time, Odasaku died and exchanged those final words with him. He lost everything that he cared about, and robbed someone else of the same. There's no going back from something like that. Now that Dazai's young again, Odasaku merely assumes there's no way he could truly understand.
[Perhaps that's not fair, but, no, they really aren't the type to talk about their lives, the many emotions that may well torture them.
[Dazai's statement is nonsensical, as they often are, but Odasaku always finds someway in to begin following - tries, which is more than a lot of people truly do. Death would be a theme, naturally - who it's meant for, who it's not. Maybe Odasaku ascribes one to himself purely for the sake of self-indulgence, but he has to wonder what Dazai's opinion of the topic is informed by too.]
[ If one can stay alive while dying, then the shell can close up tight around them; they can be shut up tight. They can be kept locked up tight.
There's no metamorphosis. There's no moth god to cocoon them and allow them to escape it and find a better world. They cannot be reborn. But they can be preserved. They can remain in bloom for eternity.
That thought does trouble him some days, as someone who would prefer to be erased from the world completely. It would be best of all if not a single person remembered him, much less lamented. ]
I was born to die, but death eludes me at every turn... If I was born then then that would explain it, though. The Grim Reaper has forgotten that he still needs to harvest my soul.
[ He rests his head in the crook of his elbow and despite the grim subject matter, there's a childish quality to his words; it's sullen and petulant. ]
Here, to, I'm further removed from him than ever... It's too quiet here. Death has been removed from daily life altogether... You can remain alive while dying.
[ If he was speaking in metaphors before, this is a bit more literal, because death can no longer be called death when it is merely a transition from one scene to another. It's more akin to being taken prisoner. ]
[Dazai and Odasaku once spoke of the possibilities of this world, and what they might bring. He gets it though. Dazai was always destined to be miserable. Odasaku told him as much with his dying words - to be a good person despite - but this Dazai doesn't remember this the way Odasaku does. He must feel more trapped here than ever. Oda can understand that too. He does a little too well, maybe.]
We're forever in bloom here, then? You know...
You're not the only person who sees that as a negative thing. [Does anyone truly want to live forever?
[There's something else too. They won't live forever, because they won't stay here forever. No matter what they do, or where they go, they'll lose each other again and again.
[Conversations like this just don't feel as lighthearted as they used to, childish tone or not. Odasaku thinks that bothers Dazai.]
[ Dazai nods. As though some glamour were dispelled, his expression transforms worn, tired, and old, and when his smile returns it only serves to age him further. His smile is like that of a man who has lived a thousand years and seen a thousand more into the future.
There are people who come from the worst circumstances that find this to be preferable. Dazai is not one of them. The Port Mafia is like a black sludge, one that one finds themselves weighed down by and sinking into, and Dazai a person who decided to drown himself in it. If he sinks deep enough, if he wades through enough of that sickly tar and sees everything that's been caught in it, he might find what he's looking for eventually. He'll find it, hidden in that depravity and violence - the core of humanity, that heart that eludes him.
He's been certain of that ever since the moment he experienced death for the first time. It was like nothing he'd ever seen before.
There's nothing like that here. It seems most days that Dazai is further detached from what he wants than ever. He hates it. It's suffocating. He's suffocating now. For a time he can't breathe, much less speak. ]
It won't. We've always known that.
[ In the Port Mafia, there were no guarantees save death. Odasaku, who was so full of life despite existing near death, was always a poor fit. He was someone Dazai couldn't take his eyes off of then and now, but now... It's slight, but it's there. There's this look that seems to match his own. There's that faint stench of death clinging to him. It's different, though - because Odasaku is a person who would need to die while he was still alive.
He's thought that for awhile, but he needed to confirm it - to resolve it. ]
You are a member of the Port Mafia right now, but it is a technicality, and it is temporary. No one from the Port Mafia would willingly remain here.
[ Well, no one of value anyway. Those who would abandon it do not gain rank and they do not survive. Dazai is something of an exception to that, but they're not talking about him right now. ]
So, nothing from your past will follow you here for very long. If you can endure it for awhile longer, you'll be able to live freely and as you wish.
[ They're words he's said before, but there's a different cadence to them, a little more weight. ]
[No one from the Port Mafia would willingly remain here. Is that really why he can't settle? He keeps waiting for this place to be as terrible as everyone seems to think it is, but he feels just as he does with any such situation he's placed himself in. He's here. There is no alternative. He doesn't hate everything about it...
[He doesn't feel as though it's permanent though. He doesn't think he'll be able to live any more freely here than he would anywhere else.
[Odasaku did die while he was still alive, and he wilted anyway. What comes after this is the end. How can he pretend to hate that idea after all he did?
[He hates what Dazai's saying too. If there's one part of his past he'd like to keep, it's this friend of his, but he knows it's selfish. He knows he has no right. He knows that.]
You know...
Regardless of how this ends...freedom, if that's what comes next...
[There's a pause - a too-careful consideration of what to say next.
[ He sits with his legs crossed, his hands folded on his thigh, and shakes his head. ]
But that's not what I'm talking about.
[ The point of this conversation isn't to push him away. Dazai isn't that sort of selfless person, but rather one who wants to keep what he cares for as close as possible, to keep them locked up in a box, preserved exactly as they are; a person who would want anyone he loved to be as lonely without him as he would be without them. He wouldn't want that person to be capable of happiness with another person so long as he's alive.
He's a selfish person, so he doesn't want to be missed. The idea of someone loving and losing him, living for him, is far too great of a weight for him to carry. He wants to die quickly, immediately, painlessly, without inconveniencing anyone. If he could wipe all traces of his existence from this earth at the moment of his death that would be the ideal, but life isn't that convenient. Rather, the issue seems to be intensifying, in a place where it's a given that anything gained will be lost in the end, until they can change whatever system is in place. ]
You've been acting strange lately. These circumstances are far from ideal, but if you can manage until the end then you should be able to live relatively freely, but you seem discontented. Aside from the obvious, what is it that you're not satisfied with?
[ Well, probably lots of things, but it's just a roundabout way of asking why he's acting so different anyway. ]
[Part of the problem is that a non-small part of Odasaku has convinced himself that he's not acting any differently than he normally would. It's the easiest thing to believe, the easiest mindset to wake up every day and operate under. He and Dazai are together. One might think that that should be enough to allow all of the usual pieces to fall back into place.
[But that isn't true. Things have changed.
[Odasaku is quiet a beat too long, maybe.]
I'm not suffering. [He's convinced himself of that too.]
It's not a matter of satisfaction either. [He wants more than that.]
Given everything - this place...
[No. Not just that.]
What happened. You'd think anyone might act strange. I don't mean to.
[ Dazai is quiet for a time. His eyes drop down to his lap, his fingers curling and nails digging into his palms, because Dazai has always been too smart for his own good. He doesn't need to remember to know the sequence of events that followed. He doesn't need anyone to tell him that it's his fault.
But he can't say that now, and he doesn't know what to. If it were anyone else he might be able to find the right words, but matters of the heart have never been his strong suit, and intertwining and conflicting emotions seem to choke out any words that try to form.
This place. What happened before coming here. What's happened since coming here.
[Maybe Odasaku should have expected that question to come next, but he doesn't. To hear it laid out so plainly, painfully aware as he may be, is more than jarring. Of course, Dazai, more than anyone, would understand, and yet it's Dazai who he fears speaking of it to the most. He saw that pain in his friend's eyes as he lay dying. Suicide is such a selfish thing.
[He doesn't know how to answer. Maybe for Dazai, it's just that simple, but Odasaku doesn't feel that way. How could he possibly explain?
[He'd like not to, but for the very fact that Dazai is asking, he must. He can't deny him, of all people, this question.]
I couldn't use those terms.
[Beats of silence follow. Odasaku has taken to frowning at his lap. It's an odd expression.]
[ Dazai is silent for awhile. His expression alters, and his eyes seem to regard the other out of many thousands of years; any feelings he might express or words he could utter seem altogether inadequate.He lifts one hand up instead, placing it atop Odasaku's head and stroking his hair the way that a mother might when soothing her child.
There are countless words. There are too many, none quite right, none that promise to be free from the possibility of rejection.
Dazai nods. ]
... You don't want to die, [ He adds to the answer, voice low, ] You didn't want to die before either. "I want to die" and "I don't want to live" are two different things.
[ Dazai wants to die. His comments are treated like a joke. People hardly believe him when he says that he won't come back. He will not though, because from the moment he was born he was already dead. He was never meant to live at all.
He knows better than anyone how frightening it is, how unbearably painful it is, but nothing of what it means to have "worth." It's all just which proves to be more frightening.
If he digs into the recesses of his memories, Dazai thinks that he can remember somebody finding comfort in this sort of gesture - somebody running their had through his hair, speaking softly, but he's not sure. Much of his life has slipped through the cracks, and there's only so much that he can recall from before he found himself living in a storage container. But that's not his focus. ]
If the world were a righteous place, then people who still have stories they wish to share with others could do so and people who wish for sleep would be granted it. There's nothing so kind in any world though.
[ He takes his hand back, resting it on his lap once more. It's not a lecture, but rather a simple statement of his feelings, as it's only those around him that have assigned such great value to his life.
Dazai looks down, uncertainty coloring his features, ]
You're here now. You have people who would be saddened by your disappearance. That's all that really matters.
[That touch is the last thing Odasaku would ever expect from Dazai.
[It's awkward, the clear result of someone trying to mirror something they don't necessarily understand. It's such a genuine gesture, though - must be, or else Dazai wouldn't waste a moment doing it. Odd as it is, it does bring comfort. The mere fact Dazai tries at all brings comfort. His words do. He's right. Oda didn't want to die. He just couldn't continue living.
[Dazai pulls his hand away, and Odasaku is sure that his own face has broken wide open. In reality, the pained expression is subtle, albeit present. Inside, he feels like his heart has swelled with the weight of the endless ocean. It's nauseating.]
I wasn't thinking that way. [A truth, but he fails to hook it properly into place, leaving the thought half-finished.]
Dazai...
Do you remember when you gave me those gifts? [They haven't talked much about them since. Dazai disappeared shortly after.]
[ The look on Odasaku's face is enough to make his stomach drop. Dazai's fingers twitch slightly, scraping against the fabric of his pants before relaxing.
There's things that he can and will do here. This is one of them. It doesn't seem like enough though.
He nods in response. ]
Yeah.
[ It was an odd moment, as this one is, because Dazai has never tried to be this close to anyone. But... Odasaku needs someone to look out for him. He needs someone to create that life that he wants. There's no one longer anyone else that he can entrust that task to.
If Odasaku can see his novel to completion, then Dazai finds that would be proof that he was satisfied with his life. If Dazai could read that, then he thinks he could die without any regrets, knowing that everything was finished.
So he thinks about that moment often, and everything that should follow. ]
[Odasaku thinks of it often. It's maddening, at times, just how often he thinks about it. He thinks about how he has nothing to show Dazai, how he sits down to write and every word leaves his head. He's still missing what he always was, and he still doesn't know what that is.
[Despite all that...]
I still intend to write that novel. The way I see it, I can't disappear until that's done.
You see? You don't want to die. You already have a reason to live... As for me, it's enough just to know that you'll write one. How long it takes isn't important. But...
[ It really is unlike him to speak in this way, but Dazai does find it to be necessary. His singular goal since arriving here has been to Odasaku the life that he wants; to let him live in a world full of warmth and light. A world where he's alive and writing a novel. A world that he won't disappear from.
He always excludes himself from those possible worlds in the end.
But there is a faint pang of nostalgia now, and Dazai does think once more that he'd like to read it. He'd like to see everything finished.
He wonders how long it's been since he looked forward to something. ]
If I were to die without ever reading it, then I could be called nothing but a fool. I've never once been disappointed by what you've shared with me.
Our agreement hasn't changed all that much then. [Oda says it quietly, not without some fondness, his eyes momentarily trained on where his fingers tap against the bar.
[After that, he straightens up, turning slightly in his seat to fully face Dazai.]
We're both here until that novel is written. I won't half-ass it.
[He'll write it just the way it's meant to be written. He will, he just...needs to keep trying.]
Maybe we'll find a place or two like this along the way. That sounded nice too.
[A quiet few beats. His fingers continue to tap on the bar.]
It isn't the same. I know that too. Still. I'm glad.
[ Nothing is the same. The truth is, Dazai really does hate being here. He was meant to constantly be close to death, and he was meant to make plans that he would see through to fruition. He was meant for anything but this peaceful yet chaotic life.
Dazai traces his finger along the rim of the glass. ]
... Odasaku. Do you really believe that I bear no responsibility for what happened to you?
[ It seems unrelated, but it's not, because everything stems from a singular moment. It's all due to a preventable tragedy. It's a sore point for him, too, something that he's kept locked up tight, and even now takes care in how he approaches.
It's not really asking if Odasaku blames him. It's something else, some nagging feeling that always accompanies these conversations, something that leads him to search the other's face for any sign of disapproval now. It's something else. It's that awareness that everything is different and everything has broken, and some instinctive fear that what they're talking about will never come, and it's...
Dazai doesn't know what he would do if Odasaku were to start to hate him. ]
[Odasaku barely has to consider the question. He blames himself. For everything, he blames himself. He fell for too many traps, put too much at risk, failed too many people, burnt himself out in one final rage--
[No. He doesn't blame Dazai at all. He hates himself too much to see anything else.]
No. It wasn't your fault.
[This Dazai wasn't there. How much did that Dazai blame himself?]
Those are my mistakes. That's why...
[He doesn't finish the thought, or maybe it's only meant to be a statement.]
[ That's all he needed. That's all he wanted. He just wanted to hear that, even if it's only a momentary relief.
It's enough, it should be enough, but - ]
It's not your fault, Odasaku. Nothing that happened is your fault.
[ It's sharp and immediate, more emotional than he would have thought himself capable of, and he has to take a breath and force himself to release his grip on his glass. He shakes his head, as though to dispel whatever might have possessed him, and Dazai himself can't possibly understand what it is fueling it.
He's calmer as he continues, quieter, more what one would expect of the Port Mafia's youngest executive, ]
It was a conflict between the Port Mafia, Mimic, and various government agencies. You are undeniably one of ours, [ When it's convenient, ] And an invaluable skill user, [ Because it's convenient, ] But you play no role in any conflicts we engage in. It's everyone else who failed you.
[ Dazai has to be careful with his words now, because to fail at that is to invite further strife. But even if he removes himself from the equation, those in leadership had undeniably failed Odasaku. He may have been the lowest ranking member, but he was one of their own, and he was an invaluable skill user. There were countless reasons not to sacrifice him. If Mori had only confided in him, Dazai could have thought of countless ways to deal with Mimic without ever involving him.
He cups his glass with both hands, staring down at it. ]
... If they were your mistakes, then they were mine too.
[ Because Dazai knew Mori better than anyone. He knew Ango. His intellect and strategic skill far exceed any of them, and he had all the information in the world at his fingertips as the Boss' right hand man. He had all of that, and so he had decided to take it upon himself to decide what the best course of action was; how to care for his one and only friend.
He had decided to put the orphans in that building. Dazai had been confident in it. But he can't remember. There's so much that he's missing. He only has the afterglow of the next twenty-four hours and four years.
Dazai's smile returns as he looks back up, as though it had never left, ]
All you did was trust the people around you... Right? You just lived the way that a person should.
[Maybe it's all true. It was strange for Mori to saddle Odasaku with the task of finding Ango - he must have known that he would go to any lengths to do so, that he wouldn't question it for a moment...
[Because Ango Sakaguchi was his friend. They met and drank together. They talked about nothing. They took photographs. They were, all three of them, content with each other's company.
[Odasaku doesn't make friends easily. Dazai made it his mission to gather only eight, and Odasaku still hasn't accomplished it. Ango was a massive loss, an unthinkable betrayal. It still pierces Odasaku, wedges itself in his gut and twists. He's quiet too long.
[And Dazai, gripping his glass, struggling to smile as he normally does - that pierces Odasaku too.
["You just lived the way that a person should." Isn't it true that people should be able to trust the ones they care about, the ones that fight on the same side? It's something he still struggles to understand. He can blame himself all day for being foolish enough to fall for it - and he will, he always will - but can he really say that Dazai is wrong?
[No. He can't. And so, he doesn't know what to say at all. He grips his glass a little tighter too, brows pinched. It's a pained expression.
[At last, his voice comes, quiet.]
I couldn't protect them. I promised I would, and I couldn't.
[ Dazai purses his lips. He offers no platitudes, no words of comfort, because none of that matters. He's been fed hundreds of lines himself, so he knows how little any of it means.
Nihil admirari—help the man mentioned above without hesitation in the face of any and all trials.
Those are the words that were written of the silver oracle, which was had proven to nothing more than a useless scrap of paper within their organization. Dazai had failed to protect him.
No words of comfort come to mind, nothing that will magically heal the deep wound that's been inflicted upon the other's hearts, and so he settles for what words do, ]
No one can escape the night, Odasaku, not even you... Not even I could escape it.
[ Dazai can work within it, and he could become the night itself if so inclined, but there is no escaping it once its set its sight upon you. He forces his posture to relax, placing a hand on Odasaku's arm. ]
You are also a weak person who is in need of protection.
[ They're not meant to be words of comfort. He doesn't have anything that could pass for that. It's only what he can say. Odasaku is also a weak person. That is why Dazai had wanted to protect him too. If he could have removed the other altogether much sooner, he would have. ]
[Dazai speaks, and the words are difficult to digest. "No one can escape the night, Odasaku, not even you." True enough, in that broad sort of way, he supposes, but then...
[Dazai speaks again.
["You are also a weak person in need of protection."
[Odasaku's expression rarely changes. He's long been told that others find it impossible to tell what he's thinking, because how could they? He's a stone.
[The stone cracks - surprise, confusion, or something worse, buried so deeply inside that he'd forgotten entirely what it feels like to have it pulled to the surface. It's young. It's raw, somehow, despite the denial that still rages against it, the impulse to disagree.
It's weak.
[Rarely has Odasaku been afforded the luxury of feeling weak.
[Protection? Who has ever taken the time to protect Odasaku? He's Japan's most deadly assassin, feared by name alone, a member of the Port Mafia, low-ranking as he may be, but...
[Osamu Dazai is his friend. Every night, they talk for hours; Odasaku isn't lonely. Every morning, they make each other coffee; Odasaku can stay upright. They share, they strategize. They raced carousel animals and talked of dragons. They met at fifteen with no memory of each other, and still walked hand in hand. Dazai handed him the tools to write the book he's always dreamed of.
[He pushed Odasaku away. Magic trapped everyone in bubbles, planted images in their minds, made them feel calm, angry, in love. Dazai wouldn't accept it. He pushed him away, and...
[That was protection too.
[When everyone in the world turned against Odasaku, Dazai tried to save him.
[He couldn't protect him, just the same way that Odasaku couldn't protect the children. They both understand something terrible, even as they are now, don't they?
[Who cares about a goddamn kiss? Odasaku realizes for the first time in his life that someone loves him.
[And he can't stop staring, looking more human then ever, that terrible, ever-rising well of emotion within him threatening to swallow him completely. He sets down his glass, and it clinks too loudly. Has the club gone quiet, or are his ears just ringing?]
Dazai...
[Osamu Dazai...
[At last, Odasaku's eyes fall away, brow frowning over them. He nods his head, though it just barely moves.
[ It's an expression that Dazai has never seen before. Oda Sakunosuke isn't the stoic or mythological figure that some make him out to be though; he's Dazai's simple human, strong and heartfelt yet vulnerable and weak, and loved. He's the legendary assassin, the lowest ranking member of the Port Mafia, a mafioso who raises orphans and refuses to kill, and the only friend that he has in this world; that he might in any world.
Loving him is as much an instinct and a chose as the act of breathing. It comes to him without thought, without any recognition or any need to acknowledge it, much less attribute a word to it, if he would choose not to then it would surely kill him. He could lose him, but never give him up, and he knows in his heart that even the worst world for him would be the only worth living in so long as he could save him. He's what makes this world worth living in.
Dazai's shoulders sink, and a tension that he hadn't realized he was holding eases from his muscles. His expression softens in turn, a soft smile gracing his face. ]
... Should we toast tonight too?
[ Dazai lifts his glass, just the same as always. ]
[That's their beauty, isn't it? Whether they be gods, ordinary men, or something in between, they accept each other completely, unconsciously, without any more thought than one gives to the blood flowing through their veins.
["Should we toast tonight too?" More so than ever, they should toast tonight, Odasaku thinks.
[That third seat will always remain empty. Even if Ango Sakaguchi walked through the door right now, what the three of them had can never be the same again. There's grief to that. Of course there is.
[But, for as much as Odasaku and Dazai may have changed, that bond they crafted together in Bar Lupin never will. Odasaku truly believes that.
[And he lifts his glass.]
To the stray dogs. [If that still means Ango, too, in whatever small way that it can...
[It's funny. Oda can hear the words perfectly in that voice Akechi used when he was still just a little kid. He probably thinks he's nothing like that anymore. Most people do.]
You should give me one in return. They're fun to try and wrap your head around.
Someone is hiking through a remote region. A storm comes through and they're struck by lightning.
They die in an instant.
At the exact moment of their death, lightning strikes an area nearly a world away.
The person is completely recreated - down to the last molecule of their being. This copy has all the memories, desires, goals and beliefs of the original.
This reminds me of that one about the ship. Over time, every plank of wood is slowly removed and replaced, until the ship is made entirely of replaced parts.
It feels a little more serious talking about a human life. There's the soul to account for, if you believe in that sort of thing.
It's not dissimilar - think of it as an extension of that thought experiment. Instead of a slow overtaking of the original, it's an instantaneous copy - or so some might think.
For the purposes of the thought experiment-
Consider the soul real. Do you think such a thing could ever truly be copied?
If you're talking about breaking something down into molecules, I wouldn't think so. An argument could be made, though, I guess. Some do believe the soul has mass.
I've heard of that. While I have no background in such matters, it does seem to be a desperate attempt to cling to something tangible after death.
If a soul weighs something, then it must exist beyond our bodies. If it leaves, then maybe our world doesn't end the moment we take our last breath. It's a very human thing to think about. Fear, curiosity -
Though shunning it in a world like this, where the dead rise on a whim - perhaps there's more credence to the theory than previously thought.
But it's what you think - there's no right or wrong answer to these questions.
I'm interested in both. Don't get me wrong. The discussion is important, however-
[Odasaku, a man who essentially lived through this hypothetical scenario - he wants to know the answer. Someone brought from death's door and put into another world. Strikes of lightning in the form of a contract.]
I get a little impatient sometimes. To your answer 'I think so' and 'For a little while' - I don't disagree. It's a valid perspective and one most would take.
What makes a human a human? What makes someone, themself? What makes a soul a person's own and if it can be copied, is it worth anything at all?
To be frank, I don't know. We went through an experience in this world where those living here were given alternate lives, distorted memories and a reality that was their own - they all had the same name, Akechi Goro. Maruki Takuto.
But none were 'me' and none were 'Maruki.' If I met with any of them, I would see them as false. I'm sure they would look upon me the same way.
Let me propose another question-
If you were to meet that self in your reality - the Odasaku that exists in this world against the one that may still live in your true world, would you see them both as real?
[There's no Odasaku living in his true reality right now, but he gets what the kid is saying. Akechi's an intense person. Oda thinks he may be enjoying this conversation a little too much.
[Oda doesn't mind that though. He's enjoying it too.]
I'd still consider both of us to be real.
Even so, I did say both of "us" instead of both of "me". I'd seem us as different people.
The same thing could be said merely going through the stages of my life, though. My life at fifteen was entirely different from my life at twenty-three.
You could almost say we're 'recreated' after every major life experience. That growth and knowledge is a catalyst to become someone 'new' - not just in a symbolic way, but in reality as well.
The person whose molecules got put back together will go on to have new experiences and create its own memories regardless. We all do that anyway. So, maybe it doesn't have much to do with souls at all.
You did give me a new way to see this problem and open my mind to potential solutions that could exist. I'll have to think back on similar scenarios and come at them from this new angle.
Would you mind if I messaged you again with another one sometime soon? I would appreciate your view and I have many hypothetical scenarios of a similar nature thanks to a book I found awhile ago.
Hm? Didn't you know? It's Valentine's Day, Odasaku, and I'm the sort of sinful man who winds up with more chocolate than I can carry by just walking around on a day like today.
[ He sure does seem smug about this for... some reason. Does he even care? Probably not. Definitely not. Is there a reason that he's doing this? Maybe. Probably. Who knows.
Anyway, he's happily pulling out what looks like half of a store's candy aisle, along with a mug, heart-shaped cookies, and a couple other things. ]
[ He's pawing through everything, picking them up and setting them down, stacking them up, all while mumbling some questions to himself about where he put something. ]
But it wasn't a complete wash. Chocolate goes well with whiskey, and while I was lugging them around and having an increasing amount piled on, I saw an interesting candy on display at one of the stores.
[Somewhere in Stellari? That special candy is what Dazai's searching for, surely. Odasaku watches his hands as he rifles through the bag, eyebrows raised, waiting for the grand surprise.]
Well, it wasn't this one specifically. This was recommended to me.
[ He looks down on it, then flips it onto it's side and pops the lid off and placing it under the box itself. ]
Have you heard chili pepper chocolate? They add in cayenne pepper and red pepper flakes, so it gives the normally sweet chocolate a dash of spice. It wasn't to my taste, but I thought you would appreciate that more than the traditional milk chocolate.
[He can sort of smell it now that the box has been opened. He's immediately fascinated, of course. Dazai must have known that would happen. He bought these with Odasaku in mind.
[Warmth spreads out through Odasaku's chest. It isn't easy to write a box of chocolates on Valentine's Day off as something thoughtless.
[He'd really meant that kiss. It wasn't the magic. He doesn't dwell on it. It doesn't keep him awake at night. He just really meant that kiss.
[He never would have expected something like this. He should have gotten Dazai something too. They can open an old bottle of whiskey...
[He takes the chocolate and puts it in his mouth, eyes briefly closing, as if that should help him better enjoy the flavor. It's good. It's extremely good, but even if it were terrible, he'd still want to smile.
[And he's pretty sure he's smiling. Actually smiling. His eyes are open again. Dazai is right there next to him.]
[ Pleased with his reaction, Dazai takes one more out of the box before finally handing it to the other. He bites down on his own piece, chewing on it slowly. It does have heat to it, but a manageable amount.
It's rare to see Odasaku look so genuinely happy. It makes it worth it to have tracked down something to his taste. Dazai's expression softens in response, the vibrant energy giving way to something more gentle, more thoughtful.
He's glad it came from Dazai, huh...? ]
I do have a more discerning palate than most.
[ That's not what he meant. ]
We're friends, right? So... [ A beat. He should be more clear. ] I wanted to get something for you.
[ Odasaku always says the most embarrassing things as though it were nothing. It really is unfair, but... It is nice to hear sometimes.
There's no one that he cares for more than Odasaku. There's no one else who Dazai wants to care for him, or rather, whose care actually matters. ]
Not really, [ He says with the shake of the head. ] You didn't mention having any plans either, so I thought it might be the usual night. I don't need anything more than that.
I can't claim to understand it, but from what I can tell, anything you're holding in could be keeping you sick. That might not necessarily mean a secret. Just something you don't like to talk about much.
[ Well. There's plenty of things Charlie doesn't like to talk about much. Plenty of things you just don't talk about much. Parents messing you up, teachers messing you up, death messing you up. That's just the way life is. He sort of figured all of this was just stuff he'd have to take on the nose until he could break free of Welton and his family, carve out a future for himself – but now the future's here, brighter and stranger than he ever could have imagined, and the old chains still rattle.
So... ]
Has it been working for you?
Talking about things you don't like to talk about.
[ It's a lot to lay on someone who barely knows him, but– ]
My wish was to see my dead friend again.
And he's here, but turns out it's not so easy to deal with. Figured I'd just be happy to have him back and that'd be that. Shit's always more complicated than it seems, I guess.
[It's not what Oda's expecting, the confession heavy as it settles. He can't say that he understands Charlie's position; it's Odasaku that's put Dazai in the same one. They aren't the type to talk about that sort of thing. However Charlie feels, Odasaku has to let those emotions be his own. He fears he'll attribute them to someone who isn't here to speak for himself...]
How have you been feeling instead?
[It's nothing he'd normally ask. Normally, he wouldn't ask at all. But these aren't normal circumstances. Death hangs over Visium and Lumindeas. And Charlie's just a boy.]
I didn't mind the place I came from. It was alright in some ways, and not so good in other ways, just like this place is. My life was a lot different though. I wasn't doing much of what I really wanted to.
Here, I'm trying to change that.
[He says this, not only because he himself needs to tell the truth in order to stay healthy, but because it may invite Charlie to express himself too, assuming he feels the same way - and it is, in complete fairness, only an assumption.]
I've heard some real crazy stories from people here. Mine's not that exciting.
I was in school. Pretty strict and prestigious. My father wanted me to become a banker like him, so I was supposed to go to a top college. Study finance. Get married. Have kids. Raise them to be bankers. Carry on the legacy, or something.
I wasn't interested in all that. So it's better I'm here.
In all fairness, a magic-filled alternate reality does sound a lot more interesting than banking. Not that I have any room to judge. My job was pretty boring too.
[Being in the mafia is actually also a lot more interesting than banking, but sure.]
[He knows Dazai doesn't see it that way. He knows Dazai probably wouldn't want him to see it that way. There were things about the Port Mafia that were important, that Oda still cherishes - Dazai, of course, being one of them - but...
[All he wanted was a room by the ocean to write in. He has that now, and more too. If he weren't under yet another contract, maybe he'd finally feel that simple freedom he's always longed for, but...
[It's felt a little better, at least. That could be an illusion. It's not as though he hasn't had to fight here too. He could simply be destined to remain trapped, no matter where he turns..
[But it's felt a little better, at least.]
It was a hard life to break away from once you were in it. I spent a lot of time doing work like that. There's a little more time to do what I want to now.
[Which, with petals fluttering in his lungs:]
I haven't done much with that either. Something holds me back.
[ At some point during the week, Odasaku receives an invitation:
I'll be hosting a dinner party on March 22 and would love to see you there!
Feel free to come to the Horizons farmhouse any time after 5 PM.
Please do not bring anything! No food, no drinks, nothing but your presence. I appreciate the thought, but for me, the joy of this is being able to cook for a group of people, and I would like to handle it myself.
Hope to see you there!
Dr. Maruki
One gets the impression that if you go against his wishes to bring something anyway, it might stress him out...
When the mingle log goes up on the 22nd, please feel free to come tag around! ]
[These kinds of "getting to know you" games have never been to Shinjiro's taste, but he's found himself getting caught up enough in the energy of competitive spirit after the nightmare that was the previous month that he doesn't especially mind it, this time. He's a competitive person anyway, even though it usually only comes out with a certain specific musclehead. So he doesn't refuse to draw a paper slip when they start going around, glad to just have something to focus on beyond his own personal ghosts.
The thing is, he has someone in mind fairly readily when he does look at it, but it does feel awkward, like it's something he ought to keep to himself. Even so, he can't quite resist that compulsion urging him to hand the paper over, so eventually he does ... go searching.
That, apparently, is the easy part. Once he's face to face with the man in question? He considers turning around and walking away again. This is it, this is the thing that's going to actually kill him a second time. Not the cursed flower coughing disease with the secrets but needing to express an actual genuine emotion honestly. Gross.
He makes and pulls away from eye contact for a second time before he fishes out the slip and somewhat roughly shoves it in the older man's hand, without even a proper hello.
[Oda is just about to greet Shinjiro, mouth open for a hello, when a slip of paper is shoved into his hands. His eyebrows raise a bit, and he looks down, unfolding it without another word. He reads that short line...
[Oda looks up. He's surprised, but...it's a sweet sentiment. Perhaps he hadn't realized that he'd left such an impression.]
[Oh no ... a return sentiment, help. If possible, Shinjiro looks even more flustered -- like he didn't plan this far ahead. He's rubbing awkwardly at his neck, uncertain what to do or say from here, because he really will expire if he tries to have a conversation about it directly.]
[Oda really isn't one to press. It doesn't surprise him that someone like Aragaki wouldn't want to dwell on the sentimentality behind that little paper slip. What's important is that he shared it at all.
[They're both glad they met, so, they can just stand and talk a while.]
A few.
[Oda lights up a cigarette. As he has before, he offers one to Shinjiro before pocketing the pack again.]
I can't tell whether or not it's the magic, [He just assumes that magic is involved in most things, at this point.] but I've been eager to compete. I'm usually not the type.
[And this right here reinforces that sentiment behind the slip, really. Oda's always been easy to talk to, a calm and comforting sort of presence. He doesn't press or pry deeper than he's invited, willing to meet him wherever he's at.]
You think it's magic?
[...Huh. He has been surprisingly motivated to complete all the tasks, he supposes. Even the kind he normally wouldn't like, like these surveys and slips, or the compliment wars, or such.]
...I've got a competitive streak, honestly, so I didn't really notice. Least it's not too obnoxious, as far as things this place pushes us into go.
I've been wondering the same thing. I really have no good reason to think so, but...something just tells me that, in this place, there'd be a rhyme or reason to that sort of thing.
Who else is in yellow? Could give us a clue. Doc Maruki's in blue too, though I don't really know most of the others. If there's a common thread, he could probably find it way before me, though.
[He simply knows So Much about the people around here.]
[Maruki, Shinjiro, team blue. Odasaku searches for similarities, but comes up short. Really, to him, it seems the two individuals in question couldn't be more different.
[That is, unless they share similar abilities, or have abilities which compliment each other. Oda isn't one to pry about that sort of thing without invitation, so he doesn't bother mentioning it.
[Instead:]
What would you say you two have in common? Anything at all?
[Shinjiro takes a minute to think about the interactions they've had over the last five months, looking for shared experiences or similarities. They're both from Japan, obviously, but so is Oda. Maruki doesn't talk very much about himself, though -- it occurs to Shinjiro he doesn't really know much about him. Really, aside from the flower disease incident, the main thing they've talked about is ...]
[He turns that around in his head a moment, thoughtful.]
"Innovator" might be a bit of a stretch for me, but ... yeah, guess you can call cooking a creative hobby, more or less.
[Even so--]
You cook too, though, don't you?
[He remembers Oda sponsoring that curry contest, months back -- but as the judge, the man wouldn't have had his own entry, he supposes. Maybe he just assumed...?]
I'll be honest with you, Aragaki-san. I mostly put that contest on so I could try different types of curries.
[He's nothing if not honest.]
Call that a passion if you want. I start to feel wrong if I haven't had any in a while.
[Anyway.]
Aside from that, I enjoy writing. [Still a little weird to admit so readily, but he's trying to embrace it a little more, now that he's actually doing it.]
[He supposes he did call the blue team "creatives", and a writer would certainly fall into that category, but it still feels strange to apply it to himself. He distracts himself with grinding his cigarette out on his boot before answering. Eventually, what he comes up with is:]
[Shinjiro may not be a genius or especially well-versed in reading people, but he is perceptive enough to catch the self-consciousness in that gesture. Like it's something he's not used to talking about.
He debates backing off, but then, maybe having the door closed in his face is not what Oda wants, either. Shinjiro goes for opening it a crack wider, gently enough that it can still be shut if it's uncomfortable.]
Would you tell me about some of 'em? The people you write about, I mean.
[The question does nothing to offend him, and the answer isn't a lie...]
I'd like to write about all sorts of people. Real and otherwise.
[...but he does have a subject currently, and he does avoid mentioning it on purpose.
[When it comes to his kids, his writing will have to speak for itself. Without roots growing in his lungs, he still can't bear to talk about them. He thinks he might never be able to bear it.
[So, instead, this:]
Honestly, it's hard to narrow it all down. I meet interesting people all the time.
[Much safer. It almost makes Oda want to smile, because he doesn't really laugh, but he kind of wants to laugh, and it's only at himself. His lips tug around his cigarette.]
Not long. Really...
Only since I arrived here.
[He'd tried before, pressed the proverbial quill down against the metaphorical paper, but there's been no true progress until now. He still hasn't tried writing that ending. He's not sure that's what he needs anymore.]
[Huh. It's not quite a smile, but it's something. Shinjiro didn't quite expect it, and it reflects in the slight tug of his own expression.
Almost five months in, and Shinjiro finds he doesn't quite mind being able to relax in moments like these. Allowing himself to set aside the things that weigh him down and come up for air for a few breaths.]
Gotta find somethin' to fill the time in between all the crap this place throws at us. 'Specially if the big social gatherings ain't it.
[Maybe he's wrong, but he gets the impression Oda isn't the sort that's suited to them any more than he is.]
[Oda doesn't particularly mind social gatherings, even if he isn't particularly adept at them, but one does not need to know Shinjiro very well to realize he isn't much of a fan.]
You're right. We all have to find a way to live here day to day, just like we would anywhere else. It's good to have something to do.
[Find a way to live, huh ... it still feels strange to think of himself as doing that. But the longer he's here, the more he's had to find a way to come to terms with being alive for the foreseeable future; sitting around waiting for the end to find him again isn't sustainable, and -- well. The slip tells the story for him, really. Despite himself, it was inevitable he'd come to care about others here.
He's quiet a moment, caught up in his thoughts, before the question catches up to him properly.]
...Cook, mostly.
[He almost sounds a little sheepish to bring it up again, but it really is ... his only significant hobby ........]
Sometimes explore the areas around Stellari a little, I guess.
A couple, here and there. Wasn't really makin'... much of an effort for a while, there.
[At living, he means. He's still struggling with it, honestly. But having met people like Oda, like Laserhawk ... it's helped, somewhat. Even if he can't verbalize it well without getting uncomfortable, he really did mean that slip.]
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CHRISTENS YR INBOX!! text; un: doc0203
I plan on making curry for dinner tonight - where would you like me to meet you for our meal?
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[Oh, he’s been waiting for this. He ate the same curry rice from Uncle’s restaurant back home three days a week for years.
[He’ll be cool about it, though.]
Hi, Maruki-san. I recognize the username.
I have a place to stay now, but there isn’t any power. Since you’ll have it packed up anyway, we could use another place.
[He’ll eat curry rice on a plane, he’ll eat curry rice on a train, etc.]
Or, we could always eat in the dark. [It sounds tongue and cheek, but he’s being very literal.]
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It's pretty warm out, why don't we eat outside?
I have access to a rather nice farm that has picnic tables and such. If that works for you, I'll send you the location.
[ Eren Can He Have Dinner With An Old Man On The Farm 🥺 ]
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A farm, huh? That sounds pretty nice, actually. You don't get much of that where you and I are from, respectively.
Sure.
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I know... To be honest with you, I'm a little disturbed by how quickly I've gotten used to certain aspects of a less urban lifestyle. It really is a nice farm, though!
See you there tonight!!!
[ Location SENT. Curry MADE. Old man date ACQUIRED. ]
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[He is there right on time. Very punctual! He approaches the farmhouse, but doesn't go to the door; just waits nearby for Maruki to arrive.
[Who lives here, he wonders...? It's awfully ostentatious for a place like this...]
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Maruki's not far behind, all too cognizant of someone new arriving on the farm when he isn't there to intercept, and he calls out to Oda from where he's depositing the bag of curry and drinks on one of the picnic tables, which, well–
As soon as Oda's close enough, he'll see that Maruki is a textbook overachiever. Not only is there a bowl of curry rice for Oda, there's also extra containers for him to take back to wherever the hell he's staying and save for later! (The lack of power being an issue did not occur to Maruki!) ]
Ah, I hope it's to your liking! If it's not, please be honest. I'm far from a professional chef and always want feedback to improve my cooking.
[ Have a seat! Have a curry! Have a beer! OH YEAH HE BROUGHT ASAHI. Where'd he get that? Don't worry about it. ]
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[The curry looks good. How is he gonna heat it up once he takes it back to that cottage...?]
It feels a little rude to give feedback on a free meal. [He's grateful is all. He starts to go a little insane after too long without his comfort meal - gets thirsty, restless. It's probably what drugs feel like for most people, he thinks.
[He takes a bite. No heat whatsoever...but it's still good. He can't keep the satisfied look from his face, subdued as it is.]
I can't begin to complain. I didn't realize how much I'd missed this. [It's only been a few days...
[Asahi too. He's not normally a beer guy, but the idea that there's something here from home is oddly comforting. Still...
[He holds up the can.]
I wasn't expecting to see this here. How can that be?
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[ His own beer cracked open, Maruki knocks his can against Oda's, even if he didn't mean to cheers. It's good manners! ]
I'm not sure if anyone has told you yet, but there's a crystal you can make wishes at, for all manner of things– including electricity, which you should probably do sooner rather than later! But I decided one day to make a vague request of "food from home" [ air quotes and everything, fucking dork ] just to see what happened.
[ A forkful of curry held up for emphasis. ]
It paid off in dividends. I've had a steady supply of ingredients to cook more familiar food with, and the occasional selection of convenience store goods. Isn't that something?
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[He looks to Maruki.]
No side effects? Don't mind the strange question.
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[ Did he extensively test all his snacks and ingredients before he unleashed them on Akechi? You betcha. ]
But no, no side effects to speak of. I can promise you that I did my due diligence.
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[So, he opens up the Asahi and takes a sip. It tastes just like home. He looks satisfied.]
It's weird. No offense, but I've never been much into beer. Still, it tastes just like I remember - like I'm sitting in my apartment.
That's more than a little amazing.
[Another thoughtful sip; then:] I've noticed that, by the way. You could probably say that about most places - people being too trusting. I learned an awful lot right away just by reading what people post online. They're awfully forthcoming.
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You're correct, they are. Especially on a public network of dubious origin. Most people are surprisingly cavalier about what they say, and who they say it to– although, just as you said, that's probably true of most realities.
[ He props an elbow up on the table, rests the cold can of beer against his cheek in the summer evening heat. ]
What was yours like, if you don't mind me asking?
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Hm. [How does one describe something second nature?]
That's a difficult question. All I want to say is that it's normal. For me, that's true, but from everything I know, our realities could be entirely different. Maybe yours has giant sea monsters or something. [Not a joke, just an imagination.]
I've been to Tokyo. It's crowded and noisy, but it's nicer than Yokohama, I think. I wake up, make coffee, and go to work. It's not glamarous - mostly errands and favors for the higher-ups. More coffee.
[He sips his beer; holds up the can. Now doesn't feel like the time to confess he's dead.]
And Asahi. Just like this. Who's to say we're not from the same reality?
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But with Oda, he only shrugs. ]
I suppose it's possible that we could be. Mine felt fairly normal too. I only ask because there are others here who say they're from Japan, then turn around and tell you, "ah, you know when the demons overran and shut down Tokyo? I was there!"
[ KAZUYA.
He grins, laughs, shrugs. ]
So it's worth asking, to try to catch oddities like that. Some of the stories you'll hear here are unbelievable.
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[So he takes that information in thoughtful silence for a moment, demeanor providing no clue as to what he’s thinking. He eats a few more bites of curry, sips his beer, then looks up.]
You’ve been to Shibuya, I’m guessing. Sendagaya Station?
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Maruki nods through his next spoonful of curry, gestures for Oda to go on. He could walk through Shibuya with his eyes closed. ]
this is all just headcanon made up bullshit enjoy
If you take the East exit out of Sendagaya Station, then walk just about two minutes down the road, there’s an old granny that’s been selling rabbit-shaped mochi at a stand for over thirty years. Akabane-san, but, she does ask you to call her Granny once she recognizes you.
If you’re from my reality, and you’ve spent any time at all at Sendagaya Station, you’ve seen Akabane-san.
[Curry break.]
She’s pretty pushy. An old flirt, too.
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Unfortunately, though, he has to shake his head. ]
I can't say that I've seen Akabane-san, no. Which sounds like my loss! I've gladly buy bunny mochi from her.
[ He takes a long drink of beer and then smiles at Oda. ]
Different realities, then. I can't say I'm surprised. Still, we're both here now. That's what matters, isn't it?
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Are you glad to be here?
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Maruki gives it long, considerate thought. Oda doesn't seem to mind silences, so he lets one settle for as long as his mind pleases. Then, eventually: ]
Yes and no. Which... well, if you continue to get to know me, you'll find that's my answer to most things.
[ A self-effacing little chuckle. The curry is abandoned for the moment as he props both elbows up on the table to fold his hands together and rest his chin on top of them. ]
Being here has changed me in ways that I simply don't think would have been possible back home. Some of the people I've met... I have a difficult time imagining my life without them now, in any reality. And that includes someone who is from my same Tokyo! We never would have had reason to meet there, but here he's become so important to me that I can't imagine how we'll ever go back to our separate lives.
[ He tips his head to one side then, as if conceding to the opposite viewpoint. ]
That said, we will. We must. I value the bonds I've forged here, but no, I'm not glad that I was brought to a volatile reality to have my memories and dreams manipulated by an unseen force. I resent anything done to me against my will, and I very much include being contracted by a wish in that.
[ A beat, and then she shrugs. ]
My apologies for rambling on. It's an interesting question.
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It's an interesting answer.
[Oda might consider himself to be a "yes and no" person too, though he doesn't say so. He gets it, though. They've been trapped in a shitty situation, and, quite frankly, even someone trapped in a less shitty situation would still be trapped, right?
[Yeah. He gets it.]
I get it. Your reasoning makes sense on both sides. Considering everyone here is trapped...
I'd say something like that would make those bonds even more remarkable, in ways. Like inmates in a prison.
Still. Eventually, the people who serve their sentence will leave that prison. Anyone who stays remains living in another world entirely. That's just how it is.
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He hums thoughtfully as he digs back into the curry. ]
That is just how it is. Of course, we have no way of knowing when our sentence is up, so to speak...
[ His eyes lift then, watching Oda carefully. ]
What about you? I know that it's all still new, but are you glad to be here?
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I guess that's a bit of a complicated question. Both parts of my answer feel selfish.
[Asahi break. He eventually sets the beer and the utensil down and looks eye-to-eye at Maruki. There's really no point in being dishonest. Oda isn't used to talking about such significant things - not with friends, and not with near-strangers - but he doesn't mind it, really. It's not like any of what he's saying is particularly privileged, it's just...not normally what someone would bother asking him.
[Aside from that, they're all in the same (supposedly shitty) situation. Everyone here could probably afford a confidant or two.]
There's a person in this world whom I thought I would never see again. I'm happy to be with my friend. I can't deny that at all, and I wouldn't want to.
That being said, I've heard about the sort of things that can happen in this place, and I'm not particularly happy about being an "inmate," so to speak. [Air quotes.]
Captivity isn't the life I want, but I can't deny the benefits, either. It's complex.
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You've hit on another one of those complicating factors. Friends and loved ones are reunited all the time here. For some, returning to their original reality means returning to a life without that person... or to their own death, knowing that the other will be left without them.
[ He makes a vague weighty gesture with his free hand. ]
Is it better to be captive with people you've missed, or to be free and alone or worse? The answer varies for each person, and even when they choose one, there are bits of the other that are still appealing. Generally, I think it's best to make the most of the time afforded to us here, even for those of us who are trying to leave.
[ Another spoonful of curry and he quickly waves that hand through the air, apologetic. ]
But I digress. There's someone else from your reality here? And a friend, too – that's a huge help!
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[False, naturally. Why would he start fighting a war now that he never did before? It feels hypocritical.
[That being said, some things have changed since he left the world he was born into. He's traded one enslavement for another, but that isn't insignificant. He is not in the Port Mafia anymore.
[And he doesn't want to be an inmate again. More than that...
[He nods once.]
There is. And I'd like for him not to be an inmate either, I think. [Would Dazai hate Odasaku for, in this, selecting the path that separates them?
[Maybe. He doesn't know. It doesn't change how he feels.]
There's my answer, then.
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[ A bit of pleasant silence as they both eat and drink, comfortable for a time before Maruki, ever the talker, has to break it. ]
Can I ask you about that story you told Venat? About the curry shop owner and the children he looked after. Is that where your fondness for the dish comes from?
cw: body horror, grief (ue ue ue)
[It's worse than drowning, actually - a drowning person can still try to swim, still choke down water in vain. Oda is suspended; roots and thorns and clawed hands and teeth and barbed razor wire weaving through his body, crawling out of open wounds and anchoring themselves to invisible hooks - he cannot move. He could never move.
[He pictures himself tearing out every hook, every line, ripping his body open from every angle until it's clear there's nothing, nothing...
[What filled that terrible void? There is no story left to write. He was never human to begin with.
[So, his fingers curl around his spoon slightly as he lifts more curry into his mouth - and that's all. There's not a flicker in his expression - just a passing breeze that makes him twitch his nose. The only delay is the time it takes to chew.]
It's not, but I've been eating at that curry restaurant for years now. Curry rice has always been my favorite, but Uncle's is the best in Yokohama. I really believe that.
And he's a good man.
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[ Maruki's very nearly done with his meal, but he's enjoying Oda's company, so he stops to roll the half-full beer can between his palms and offer him a kindly smile, a piece of his own home. ]
It's funny, actually. There was a café back in my Tokyo with the best coffee you could imagine, and the only food they sold was curry. It was just as good as their drinks! And the man who ran the place...
[ Sakura glaring at him, telling him to get out. Being placated by the young girl with Akira's cat. He thinks they came to some sort of understanding, in the end. He would have liked to have gotten to know him better... ]
He didn't take in orphans like that, but he did house and feed a young friend of mine who had nowhere else to go. Maybe there's something to curry shop owners, eh?
we can move toward a lil wrap if u wanna
[Oda couldn't smile if he tried, but, luckily, he rarely does anyway. Funny, that.]
That makes two. That's pretty compelling evidence.
hehe i had the same thought - take us home king
It's a small data set, but not a totally irrelevant one.
[ He pushes the leftover containers closer to Oda, insistent. ]
We ought to meet up like this again, I've really enjoyed our chat. Once you're settled somewhere, I'd be happy to come cook for you.
it was a pleasure threading with you this evening - sasagey - and I cannot stress this enough - yo
I'd like that. I'll let you know when. [And, because we now know the future, Maruki will likely see a familiar and memorable face.]
Text; un: Diablo - you know after kiddo event
text; un: odasaku
I know the username. What's up?
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About the event that transcended recently, my younger self. First I like to extend my gratitude and apologize for any ill behavior.
[He sends this first, then another quickly follows.]
Second, if you could erase the image of my younger self.
[He really hates his weaker self.]
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Anyway, there's no need to apologize. Nobody here chose for that to happen.
You were just surviving the only way you knew how. I get it.
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Thank you.
I mean to forget it happened.
Though not the worst, but still shameful.
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I won't mention it again after this conversation if that's what you want.
I don't see that anything about it was shameful though. And I don't think any less of you.
[Thinks more highly of him, in fact.]
I just want you to know that, Akutagawa-san.
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I saw that you'd lived a difficult life. You survived despite that. To me, that has to be the opposite of weakness.
10/10, i can't believe i rolled a die and got that
I don't want to get up either.
[ Sent like 15 minutes after he said he was tired and going to bed. ]
hehehehe
c:
I'm going to keep texting you until you do.
1/2
2/2
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He can't joke about it because he will take it seriously.
He can't ask if he's being serious because that'd be weird.
He also can't act like it bothered him because that would also be weird.
He also can't ask something like, "do the kids make you have sleepovers with them" to make it less weird because neither of them want to think about that.
What is he supposed to do! Why would Odasaku do this to him!!! ]
Odasaku... You really never to surprise me. This is why I never get bored of you.
You must be tired. Am I really keeping you awake?
dazai gay crisis blue screen moment - odasaku none the wiser
[He is tired, though.]
It's alright. I can stay awake awhile. You're the one that said you were tired.
[He's never eager for those late night living room talks to end. Dazai is just across the cottage, now, but Oda feels like they're blocks away again.]
four years of pining just does something to a man... he's so glad oda is like this
[ He accepts it easily, because they're the same in that way. It's always just a bit lonely when they end. ]
What do you dream about?
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That's an interesting question. I'm really not sure where to begin.
People dream about a lot of different things, don't they?
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They do, but people only remember so many of them. It might be significant ones, or odd ones, or you might remember general patterns.
For example, I heard a rumor that men who cheat dream of having to climb block towers while being chased by their worst fears every night.
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I've never had a dream like that, I don't think.
Come to think of it, though, a recurring sort of dream does come to mind.
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What is it? Tell me about it.
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Anyway, it's a little hard to explain. Basically, I can walk anywhere I please. I don't just mean from place to place.
I could take a step into the air like walking up stairs, then just keep going, high above the city, for as long as I want. Sometimes I walk into the sea and right under the waves until I'm in the deepest part of the ocean. I could walk up the side of a building, or walk into the ground until I reach the other side of the planet.
I have dreams like that all the time.
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But maybe if he had lived a little longer, maybe both of them...
He closes that idea, snaps the book holding those what-ifs tight before it can try to write itself. ]
That sounds like a nice dream. I wouldn't mind having one like that.
Do you think we could make it happen here? I don't know about breathing underwater or walking on air, but if world is something that exists separate from reality and is built up on wishes, then there should be more to it than an island. If there's not, then why couldn't it be created?
I wouldn't mind going sightseeing with you.
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It's a nice idea. I think I'd like that too.
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Besides, this place is boring. It has interesting people, but I'm already bored with the city. It's too small. I need something with a little more spice, so I don't want to stay here forever. But I'm not interested in going back to Yokohama either.
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You're not going back to Yokohama? You're serious?
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If people can gain new memories from their world here, that means that "I" still exist there. If by some chance I don't, it won't change anything. There's no longer any stopping the plan that I put in place.
I'm going to evict Atsushi-kun and Akutagawa-kun though. Those two still have a job to do.
[ As is always the case, Dazai has considered the possibilities and come to a logical conclusion. Dostoevsky had surprised him, but that it would not save him.
Though he would stay even if it meant the world would burn, without feeling even a hint of remorse. ]
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[It's really a win-win situation either way. Why shouldn't Dazai be able to stay here as long as he wants to? Oda's often found himself thinking that the things that happen here aren't entirely out of the realm of what a powerful group of ability users could do. Even the threat level here is relatively similar to that of their home.
[He gets it, is the point.]
You're showing a bit of a double standard there. Almost makes me think you just want to get them out of your hair.
Still, I see what you're saying. Suppose I have no reason to go anywhere else, either.
Why not, then? At least you know you'll have a roommate if you need one.
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Dazai is always right, after all.
There's the logical reasons for it, but there's something else that goes unspoken.
Dazai already knows that he'll lose anything that he gains here. He knows that what he has now is nothing more than a candle in the wind; even if he can light it once more, it'll go out once more, and take along with it the light and warmth that it offered. That's why he can endure.
But as they speak of plans, Atsushi has already come and gone once. There will always be that uncertainty now, as long as Akutagawa stays here. ]
I have high expectations for them. Their talent is wasted here, so I have to shove them out the door and lock it behind them.
[ That's the logical reason, too, because they have greater things waiting for them.
But he trusts Oda; Dazai listens to him in a way that he doesn't anyone else, so he asks, ]
Do you think they would be happy here?
Come to think of it, we've been staying together for awhile now, haven't we? I don't mind it.
sighs. this is a marriage proposal I fear
I think people like us aren't all that badly suited for strange places. We have been staying together for a while now, you're right. I like it too.
I don't really have any other option aside from this place, so maybe my opinion doesn't really matter, but I wouldn't mind seeing what's out there with you if you wanted to stay. Why not?
i can't believe they're already getting married
As long as you're here, I will be too... I wonder when the last time I found myself looking forward to going somewhere was?
Let's see it must have been that you-are-a-fool-if-you-don’t-go-before-you-die place.
[ That place, which had turned out to be nothing more than a hole-in-the-wall bar, that is still the only place in Yokohama that feels like home. ]
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I think that's one of the last places I can remember looking forward to too.
I find that I look forward to having a drink with you at Dolph's club too though. It's interesting how that works.
How many little hole-in-the-walls do you think are out there? We could hit every one.
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I'm starting to think that he's lying about not having any sharp knives.
Every single one? That sounds good. We'll have to find a world map and mark them all down. I heard they have that in some places for breweries. You can do a whole tour of them.
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That will be our goal, then. I suppose the first step is finding a way to leave Somnius. I wonder if anyone else is concerned with anything other than going home.
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Then there's BB-san.
It's a community full of misfits.
hehe we can move toward a wrap or keep gabbin <3 up to u
In that case, we should come to a conclusion even faster. If there's a world to see out there, maybe we'll really find it.
we can move toward a wrap!!
She does use a lot of jargon, but I'm sure you'll get used to her way of speaking.
We will, don't worry.
Are you tired yet?
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Goodnight, Odasaku.
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Goodnight, Dazai.
10/15
Then, a minute or two later: ]
Are you still up?
HOPEFULLY IT'S OKAY TO TAG IN NOW
I am now. Are you okay?
[Maybe he should leave Dazai to his business...?]
What are you doing out there?
SCOOPS U UP IF WE NEED TO ADJUST THE DATE LMK I JUST RNG'D IT
I fell out of bed and hit my head on the corner of the nightstand. It was the worst dream, just the worst!
I dreamed that Chuuya was here! What a horrible nightmare!!
Let me check.
[ He's touching his head and forehead, eye, and etc... ]
Well, at least it's my left side this time...
( > action ) :3c
[Well, he can totally deal with a simple bump on his head without help, but still.
[Oda wanders out of his room in his slippers, glancing into the dark living room. Dazai's bedroom is just across the way. He comes over to it and knocks.]
[1/2]
[2/2]
It's fine. There's nothing to worry about. ]
If I leave it, then it'll scalp over by itself, so...
[ So Dazai doesn't care about it all that much these days.
It was always someone else who did, really. ]
I don't think this is enough for me to bleed out....
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Definitely not. Still, you'll make a mess...
[His voice is quiet. He stays at the threshold. They don't really enter each other's spaces like this...]
No reason not to patch it up. Come out to the kitchen.
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[ He mumbles, but it's the voice of a petulant child; some tone reserved for present company as he covers the injury, but he'll readily follow along. ]
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[Not entirely a lie. Odasaku may not say so himself, but he's always been the type of person to want to care for someone else. Dazai isn't weak, but it's nice, isn't it, to have someone patch you up once in a while?]
I never took that potion. [He gets a first aid kit out from under the sink.] Now would have been a good time to test it if I had.
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It really has been a long time. Six long years since he collapsed on someone's porch based on a rumor. Six long years since he got more than he bargained for.
Six long years, and so Dazai's more helpless now than ever in the face of those words. ]
Ahaha.... If you say it like that, then I can't refuse...
[ Mumbled, awkward, uncertain, and completely unlike him. He watches with a slight smile though, and that is newer, ]
It wouldn't work on me, but it's fine. I've never injured this side before.
[ He grins, poking at the the injury before pressing his palm back against it with a little laugh, because he's never once felt all that bad about missing out on any healing abilities. ]
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I was almost wondering if it would. This place is bizarre beyond our imaginations. It's not necessarily an ability like the sort we have, so...
[He hesitates with the cotton just above the cut on Dazai's brow.]
Have you tested it?
1/2, cw: suicidal ideation
[ He's slumping forward in the manner of a man who's had his entire life ruined by a singular event. ]
But, nothing...
2/2
It worked for awhile, but once I received No Longer Human, it no longer did. I found out quickly that my ability can kill people here...
[ His smile twitches along with his shoulders, just the faintest sign of displeasure, though he has neither love nor hatred for his ability on the whole, ]
It no longer works when I try to use it, so I do not believe that anyone else's would either. It's just like home.
[ And he does mind that for that odd cocktail of a taste of normalcy and a sudden awareness of his ability to harm, but it also doesn't, because his ability is as much a part of him as anything. It's just one more consideration, easily worked around. ]
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[Muttered, focused. He's pressing cotton against Dazai's wound, as carefully as he would one of the orphans. For all of Dazai's suicide talk, Oda knows he doesn't like pain.
[For what it's worth, he doesn't seem to mind touching him at all.]
You'd think a place like this would come with a different set of rules. I guess not.
Honestly, I was a bit surprised that all we had to do to get our abilities back was ask. I have to admit, I was feeling pretty lost without mine.
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Always in and out of hospitals, but he chooses now to whine; it's cathartic, because Mori might have needed him, but Odasaku was the only one who had truly cared, ]
Ow, ow...!!
[ That said, he should be used to these dramatics. Dazai is truly the sort to cry more about a molehill than a mountain when given the chance.
But at least he won't whine too much now, his eyes instead remaining fixated on Oda's own blue spheres. ]
You were... If you were to combine your ability with your natural talents, you would be unmatched, Odasaku...
[ It's an intense stare, directly at him, but there's warmth to it.
Warmth that he's not quite sure how to follow up on, and so, ]
.. My new goal here... Is for you to make 800 friends.That's what I've decided on.
[ He settles on something completely ridiculous instead, despite him being almost perfectly serious on the matter (i.e. making odasaku friends but not that many.) ]
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You've said as much before.
[The wound is cleaned. Odasaku gets a small bandage to apply.]
800 friends, huh? I don't think there are even 800 people in this town. Do you?
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[ He says, somewhat sheepish... Is that too ambitious? As always, he really does seem to consider before offering a slight nod in acceptance. ]
80 people, then!
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80 people is still pretty steep. You think I'm that lonely?
[He holds up a finger and goes to the sink to get warm water on a towel. Dazai is covered in blood now. He just needs to dab off his face a little...
[It might be strange. Even Oda realizes that it must be. But it does feel nice, the way he thought it would. He doesn't want to see Dazai bleed. It doesn't hurt to help each other. And it wouldn't be the first time...]
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8, then...
[ He manages to hold aside from his restless fidgeting though, letting the blood be cleaned off his face.
800, to 80, to 8... The comment about how he doesn't want Odasaku to be lonely when he dies is there, but his lungs collapse and his chest compresses when he tries to say the words There's a breathy sound as he tries it, one that saves itself in a slight chuckle, ]
Well... You need someone to depend on, right? You need people who you can depend on, so I have to make sure you have someone! Like Maruki-san and BB-chan!
[ His voice starts low, uncertain, as though he's faltering on some idea, before picking up as he goes along, growing in pitch as his expression brightens. It would be wrong to call it fake, because it's what Dazai wants and believes. It's what he knows. ]
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[There's no one in the world that he cherishes more than his dear friend.
[The blood is cleaned. Odasaku leans away, inspecting his friend.]
You can count Maruki-san down already, I think. We talk pretty regularly. I guess that makes BB-chan next on the list.
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BB-chan is next. There are others too. You don't have to worry about the Port Mafia anymore, so you can live your life freely here.
[ That's nothing they haven't discussed before, of course; it would need to come up over time.
And as ever, Dazai isn't quite sure of what it is that he wants to say, and so, ]
... You want a beautiful, sharp-witted woman, right? I'm going to find a beautiful woman to die with, so before that, I want you to have a wife, and friends who will support you.
[ Plotting his life out seems simpler. ]
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[The conversation isn't truly about women. Dazai is hesitant to leave Odasaku behind. Odasaku feels the same. Maybe they were destined to be apart, but it's not what he wants. It's not what he'll ever want.
[These emotions well up inside of him like a wave, but it never crashes, just sinks back down. He's been watching his friend too long. Speaks, at last.]
I'm enjoying the time I have here with you. I'd rather worry about that other stuff later.
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Nothing has changed; they fell right back into the old familiar routine, but...
But these conversations seem just a little bit more difficult now. ]
You have to put your wife first, Odasaku.
[ He wags his finger, but doesn't seem inclined to push the matter any further. ]
Sorry for for waking you up.
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[He tucks the contents of the first aid kit back in place and closes it up.]
It's not like I can't sleep in if I want to. Don't worry about it.
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He sighs. ]
... I rolled off the bed, and half the bed came with me, and I don't know where a couple things went...
[ He's sulking a little now, but it does seem to be his displeasure with how he wound up banging his head, though this sort of ridiculous way of injuring himself is fairly in character. ]
Why is it that the human body is only paralyzed for a tiny fraction of the time it's asleep anyway? Seems like a pretty useless feature to me.
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[What he's picturing is not unlike a cartoon, with Dazai falling off the bed and the bed falling to pieces, possibly with a humorous sound effect.
[The corners of Oda's mouth tug.]
That sounds like something that would only happen to you. Maybe you should sleep on the couch tonight.
We can talk a while longer.
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One, one of the legs broke, and it caused the other to come loose, so it's It's leaning to one side...
[ He places his hands in his lap and leans to one side himself to demonstrate.
It is exactly something out of a cartoon because it's only seconds later that there's a loud thump and clattering, which one would be correct to assume was the result of having the bed form of the leaning tower of pisa. ]
Here is fine...
[ He's just going to lean more and let gravity take him now, as one does. ]
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We'll have to see if we can fix it in the morning. [This, said with a yawn. He holds up a finger and disappears into his room; returns with a pillow, which he tosses at Dazai's head, and a blanket, which he tosses at Dazai's feet.]
At least it's a comfortable couch.
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He catches the pillow when it's tossed to him. He sits up properly and crosses his legs, leaning forward as he holds it close to his chest. ]
It is. It's my favorite napping place.
[ He takes grips the edges of the pillows before stretching his arms out about his head with a noisy yawn. Then he brings it back to his torso, lolling his head to the side. ]
... Hey, Odasaku.
[ There it is, that same voice that he always uses before saying something strange. It's late, he woke up to banging his head and breaking furniture, so it was inevitable. ]
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Mhmm. I'm listening.
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[ That's what death is, but it's not what he's referring to here; they both know that. ]
Snow White bit the poison apple, Sleeping Beauty touched her spindle, but neither died... They were put into a deep sleep. They dreamed a long dream. People transformed that into stories, but why is it so scary? If it were a nightmare I would understand...
[ But he's made his way onto the sofa by now if he wasn't before, pulling a blanket onto the edge, hugging a pillow to his chest and pressing his head down against the cushion as he observes the marks on the ceiling, ]
... But what if it's not a nightmare? What if it's not wandering through a manor with the sickening feeling that you can never go back? There's plenty of stories like that too... There's beings in which promise you "the refuge of dreams." Endless stairs, endless happiness, a sleep that just goes on and on until you die...
[ Dazai clutches the pillow a little closer, eyelids closing halfway, a frown appearing, ]
... Why is that horrific? Humans fear death, but as far as ways to die... Wouldn't you say that dying for a happy dream would be a benevolent way to die?
[ A grimace, the faintest hint of bitterness followed by a smile, ]
After all, life is just one long dream, isn't it...?
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[This talk of fairytales makes him consider two things.]
If someone is condemned to a lifetime of nothing but peaceful sleep, then why not let them? When you ask yourself that question, the only real answer is that the people around them dislike it. It's not exactly fair. I think people may fear the deaths of others even more than they fear death for themselves.
That being said...
If a happy dream is a benevolent death, and life is nothing but a long dream...
Wouldn't living a happy life to its end be a benevolent death too?
takes out my beast icon for u only
That's likely a big part of why he gets along so well with Odasaku; the way he thinks is different, unconcerned with what's normal, and so their conversations have an easy flow to him. That's not to say that he looks down on people with conventional ways of thinking; he likes them just fine, but they can't hold a conversation with him.
His expression flattens into something more neutral, before he closes his eyes and smiles, laying lat and holding the pillow close to his chest. It's a mellow smile, unemotional, unreadable, but perhaps to present company...
Maybe...
There's a kind of melancholy to it. His hands folded around a pillow like a child, almost like a corpse with its hands folded over its chest in a coffin, except his fingers dig in and clutch it.
Wake me from this oxidizing dream.
His feelings haven't changed. ]
That's exactly... Paulo Coelho once said, "Love is a moment in life, a dream, and at times, a painful dream." But life is on the whole exactly the same. It is nothing but a dream, as brief or long as it might be.
[ Then death could be the end to a long, long dream... ]
But to other people that's a curse. I can understand stories where it's a nightmare, where something is killing you, but what's so scary about a long staircase; what's scary about a refuge of dreams? What's scary about a fake world? It might be scary for the people around you to see you sleep for longer and longer hours, but why is it scary to think about dying in a fake world? If it's a happy dream...
[ Dazai can't understand, because he only has nightmares. Nightmares of a moment in time, a snapshot in time, the day that he died. He doesn't sleep at night, but rather falls asleep at desks and on couches; he chokes down sake and deprives himself of sleep until dreams no longer come.
But he shares none of that, instead pulling the pillow down and looking to Oda with a smile warm, affectionate, happy, that twists into a grimace just briefly, ]
Wouldn't you say that a fleeting world of happiness is better than a lifetime of pain?
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[Dazai is ever the crying child Oda first said he was. It's heartbreaking in that way that you can only allow something to be heartbreaking for a few seconds at a time. Who doesn't want peace for a dear friend? Dazai suffers. Oda knows he does.]
I'd have trouble answering that question. [His voice is quiet, thoughtful.]
Suppose...I've never thought all that much about happiness itself. I made it through day to day just fine most of the time. Maybe I figure that's all you can really ask for.
[Something occurs to him, and he falls quiet for another moment.]
This place...where we are now...
Is that like the refuge you're talking about?
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[ He taps his temple, letting his arm rest over his eyes, covering out the light as he lays with his knees up. One rocks back and forth, starting to fall to the side before he brings it back up to click against the other. ]
The world doesn't really exist in the way that we think it does. Humans just developed sensory input in a way that allows the brain to piece together our own world. There are pieces of the world that we can't interact with, and there are things that don't match our perception of them.
[ Which isn't to say that there is no reality or descend into solipsism and nihilism, but rather at once an addition and a counterpoint to his previous assertion. People can be happy in a fake world. They can be happy in a dream world. They can be happy because the two aren't all that different.
It's academic jargon, but it is a way of affirming Odasaku's words. This isn't quite the world he yearns for most; it's too unstable, too erratic, something that he can't control and protect. It's one where everything can still be taken from him. But it's one where he can live.
He'd never thought about happiness all that much either. It seemed inconsequential to him. Dazai's life was always just Dazai's life; empty, gray, painful.
Dazai pauses to to collect his thoughts. Odasaku can't match Dazai's level of intellect and cunning any better than anyone else, but he's sharp; he's perceptive, one of the few people who have been able to so thoroughly trick Dazai, with a high perception and level of emotional intelligence that Dazai could never hope to match. It sometimes felt like Odasaku could perceive Dazai's feelings better than Dazai himself could ever hope to.
Dazai is a crying child; he's a lost child who finally found his house; he's a twenty-two year old boy who was far too intelligent to be able to interact with the world - a fact that he's leaned into more than away from. ]
I had a nice dream recently, [ He lifts his arm back up, gesturing vaguely, though his gaze stays on the ceiling, ] I didn't think that was possible for me anymore, it's been so many years.
[ There's a bubbling little laugh. It's pleasant, affectionate. Though it wasn't quite a dream either. He still hasn't seen a real one; there's only nightmares. There's only a moment in time, a memory, played on an endless loop - reach, grasp, find his grip empty; a red stain on his palm that blurs in and out of focus, the faint smell of smoke and the resounding silence, followed by a sound that he only recognizes after some time to be his own stifled sobs.
Not quite a dream, but just as ethereal and fleeting. ]
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[It makes him sad. It makes him happy. He doesn't feel lonely anymore. There's guilt. He's glad that Dazai's here. He's glad that he's not alone. He's glad that he has someone near who cares enough to put a bandage on his brow.
[His heart swells with woeful affection. He finds himself sitting on the ground with his back pressed up against the couch. He reaches onto the table and takes a pack of cigarettes to light up; offers one to Dazai, as is only polite.]
Let's do what we said. Let's explore this world.
There's no more reason to go anywhere else. You said so yourself.
[Maybe Dazai isn't meant for happiness, but he can have something. If he likes this place, and he wants to stay here, he can have that, at least. He should.]
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[ He takes the cigarette and taps the top of Odasaku's head with his index finger. ]
... Never had to join the Port Mafia.
[ There's others too, but none that Odasaku would know. He passes over them as readily as he does himself. Dazai doesn't smoke, but he fiddles with the cigarette.
He speaks of the world with a genuine affection, something that fills his entire heart; the words are as warm and gentle as a summer breeze. He lolls his head to finally look at the other, his gaze not quite matching his tone; there's that emptiness that always seems to find its way back to him which mingles with that softness.He rolls onto his side shortly after, dropping the pillow behind him and instead folding one arm to use as a pillow instead.
It's the life that he has now which changed that world's trajectory. Sometimes, that's enough for him to feel like his life has some meaning. ]
... I'm happy that a world like that exists. From the bottom of my heart, I'm glad I was able to see it.
[ Though maybe it's pointless to share any of this. It's difficult to understand and easy to dismiss, as are all things with him. It's easier yet to miss what's buried beneath those feelings - that bitter jealousy and resentment for having been born in this world and not that one,for only being able to yearn and want, things that mingle with but can't trump the comfort of just knowing it exists; his love for that world, imprinted on him, a dream that hasn't fully faded away yet; a world that he wants others to love, for it's a miracle that it exists.
It's a complicated feeling, so... ]
But...
[ Dazai trails off, instead watching. ]
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[It's a surprisingly sentimental dream, Oda thinks. Dazai even thought up something for the boss to do. Maybe it shouldn't be so surprising. Dazai's version of a happy ending may be a strange one, but he talks about them often enough.
[Something brings Oda's awareness to the beating of his own heart, though it's meant to be still. It's one of those moments where Dazai's presence is such that one has no choice but to hang onto every word. There's weight to them. Oda can tell. He wants to know everything that Dazai's thinking. He always wants to know what he's thinking.
[Perhaps too quietly, he urges:]
Go on.
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He hesitates, his mouth opening and closing, expression shifting several times and his gaze darting about. It's nerves, and it's hesitation, but more than that it's just a simple inability to find the words.
He's had so long to find them. He's had four long years of sitting next to an empty barstool or at a grave. Valentine's Day would come and he'd brag about how many chocolates he'd gotten before toasting. Christmas. New Years. Days say with his back against a tombstone.
He never learned how to move on past simple yearning. There was never any opportunity. After some thought he pushes himself up, opting to join him on the floor. Dazai speaks as he does so, ]
You were right. It is better being on the side that saves people. I like it better, and I decided to become a good man, but... The truth is...
[ He settles down, reaching up and brushing his fingertips against the bandage on his head, fingers lighting tracing down his temple, near the eye; one that he'd lack the ability to see out of in another life. ]
... I could never really manage it. I'm the most selfish man alive.
[ He's watching, searching for even the slightest shift in expression. Dazai exhales softly, particles of memories hanging in the air, fragments of emotions that could never reform themselves into something whole. ]
I would kill the entire world if it meant you get to live.
[ Those words come out easier than the rest. His gaze is clear and earnest, without even the slightest hint of doubt, and entirely unrepentant. ]
evil icon from pan gomen
[It was selfish to leave him. This unique Hell they've found themselves in has reminded Odasaku of that every waking moment of every single day. Dazai is near. It's impossible to shake. Odasaku knew what that final charge would bring, and he did it anyway. He wouldn't blame Dazai for hating him.
[But Dazai doesn't hate him. He grieves him. That's a new and nauseating feeling, to be grieved, to be that great source of pain.
[Odasaku reaches out and grips Dazai's shoulder tight with his hand. Despite it all, he manages the most subdued of smiles, stark just for the fact that it's on Odasaku's face at all.]
Lucky for the world, no one needs to worry about that right now. Isn't that something?
Dazai. [Blue eyes search his friends face. Something pleads in them.] I'm glad I got to see you again. I'm glad you're here with me now.
i started it with beastzai i have no room to judge
There's so many people who he blames, who he resents, and himself most of all, but never the man before him.
The only thing he had wanted was to see him one more time, but that's a lie. He wanted so much more, but if he let those feelings spill out, he would never be able to stem the flow.
He flinches lightly at the touch to his shoulder, a sheepish look appearing, like he's trying to determine whether to apologize or lean into that kindness.
Humanity doesn't come naturally to Dazai. He doesn't know how to navigate it.
His chest compresses, his heart pounds, and it feels as though it might burst in his chest as his hand reaches up. His fingertips brush against the hand on his shoulder, and there's something uncertain and bittersweet in that awkward smile of his.
It's a look that Odasaku will recognize from back when their friendship started, a sixteen year old boy cautiously hoping that someone cared, backpedaling the second that it seemed dangerous.
It's the look of a person who thinks that even just the faintest acceptance of what he has will cause what he has now to disappear, be stolen away by the world.
He likes that world he saw. Dazai loves it. He loves it more than life itself, because it was a world that was his - it was a world where nothing could be taken away from him. ]
... You're right... I like this world.
[ And there it is again, the fretful look of a teenager searching for any sign of disapproval, anything that might be a danger. The look of a wary black cat. It eases though, and his smile settles into something easier.
There's a heat at the back of his eyes, but just a bit. And after some thought and hesitation - ]
... This is the world I want to live in. I'm happy here.
[ That feels important to say, somehow. And, more hesitantly still - ]
This world is less painful than others.
CRIES LMK IF U WANNA WRAP OR GO ON I AM EATING THIS
We'll stay, then. [We'll stay. They will stay.] I like it too.
So, I'm right here with you. Dazai.
MAYHAPS... A LIL MORE... cw: suicide talk
You are. I want to die.
[ That's his response, pulling his knees close to his chest. Then, weakly, ]
I'm going to kill myself right now.
[ He folds his arms and buries his face against it. Dazai can't articulate what's there, not that desire to die while he still has a bit of happiness, not that desire to be lost before he can lose, and not that inability to die now - it would be so easy if it wouldn't hurt Odasaku. It would be so, so easy, but now it's not, because he doesn't want his death to hurt.
Dazai doesn't know how to say any of that, so he repeats, in a voice that should be light and joking but comes out quiet and miserable instead, because he is happy, Dazai is the happiest he's been in four long years, ]
I'm going to find a rope and hang myself.
OF COURSE god this fucking ripped me apart
[But to die during a pleasant dream is a benevolent death. Oda knows that these words signify Dazai's happiness for that reason alone. He as much as told him so.
[Dazai and Odasaku don't touch. Not really. Here and there, a hand on a shoulder, like Oda's is now. That's about it. But the time for brazen honesty is here in this world if it hasn't been anywhere else.
[He's dead, his best friend grieving him throughout their reunion, all but curled up into a ball. Dazai is happy that they're together. Odasaku is too.
[He wraps his arms around his friend's shoulders and hangs on. It's not something Dazai will be used to. He knows that. But he gives it nonetheless. Dazai can do whatever he wants with it.]
i might not recover from this one
He has no chioce though, of course, as his heart races in his chest, which rises and falls with each breath. Dazai has never wallowed in self-pity and he doesn't pity himself now, but he doesn't know how to act either. ]
I could kill you too. I'll kill you first, then myself.
[ But he can't do that either. He would endure the pain of living and the pain of dying both before he could bring himself to hurt the other. But it fits with everything he's said. It fits with what was done.
Odasaku took Gide with him, or perhaps it was the other way around; both seemed satisfied.
That seems so much easier to understand than the warmth that embraces him, that sinking feeling, that elation, conflicting emotions that he was never meant to endure. It's a pain worse than living.
But slowly, awkwardly, like a person flailing their limbs while trying to learn to swim, Dazai manages to return the gesture. He unfurls himself, shifting his position and twisting at the waist so he can wrap his arms around the other in return, pulling him closer and then loosening his grip, experimenting to find the right way to keep him from dispersing into particles and fragments. ]
I don't want you to go somewhere that I can't follow again. However much you promise not to, that's just human arrogance speaking. In reality it's a lie, because people say it daily, then they do. They the people they made those same promises to. Besides, one person always dies before the other.
[ Logical and simple. Better.
Better, because then Odasaku won't have to suffer from the pain of living either. But that's not right, because he wants to live, but it's not right, because he was consumed by it once.
So he sighs, bottoming out, working through it before anyone can dare to offer platitudes disguised as comfort, ]
.... It's fine. Unless you have a death wish, this is enough. And i f you have a death wish, I'll shake it out of you.
[ Too smart, too detached, too odd to be called human... But Osamu Dazai really is just a man in his early twenties too. He's capable of love and care. But for better or worse, every drop of love and care and affection has been poured into the person before him, and there it will stay no matter how many years pass. ]
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[He lets them hang there a while in each other's embrace - in fact, won't slip away until Dazai does. If they have to sit here all night like this, they'll do that.]
It's like I said. I like being here with you. [But his voice has taken on an odd gentleness, quieter than usual.] That's my only wish right now. To stay up late talking to my friend. Simple enough, isn't it?
[It's enough.]
I don't want to go anywhere else either. [That, at least, he can say truly.]
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There's the smell of smoke. There's the faint smell of blood, slight but still present, and when he blinks he doesn't seen black but warm golds and reds.
He places his hand off to either side, glancing away, embarrassed, uncertain of what else to say. Dazai is an adult in every way but his heart, because he never learned how to feel anything at all; he didn't learn how to love properly, he didn't learn to hate properly, not how to mourn - there was never any real need to.
He nods in acceptance of what's said, starting to peel the bandages off of one hand. ]
I can't think of anything to talk about.
[ He says with a sardonic smile. There's too many thoughts in his head. There's hundreds of plans. There's hundreds of alternative endings. There's a single world, the only world that he's alive in; one where they never met. It was a world where Odasaku hated him. It was a world that was worth saving, but one he alone couldn't live in. There's more wants and wishes than stars in the sky, but none that can quite come into focus.
And he wonders if maybe...
If Dazai had lived just a little longer...
He exhales softly, finding scar tissue beneath the wrapping as he peels back just enough to remove anything bloody, and after a few tugs manages to pull it off. ]
... You really are a strange person, Odasaku.
[ To accept such strange and inflammatory statements so easily, from a person who would no doubt follow through on those words. He leans away, reserved, before leaning back toward Oda. He lets his shoulder brush up against the others just slighty, just enough to feel the pressure of pushing against something, and the warmth that comes along with being near another person. ]
The strangest person to ever join the Port Mafia.
sometime in october, no response needed
Make sure you're shutting the door all the way when you leave.
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I thought about it again. It wouldn't be a difficult goal to reach. Even if you only met three people a day, then it would only take nine months. We could finish in less than a year.
You don't have to be friends with everyone you meet. It won't take much time out of your day either. It would be enough to take ten or twenty minutes out of your day to talk to each person. It would be just like speed dating.
[ Yes, he's still thinking about it.
Yes, he does have some insane plan that would work perfectly fine in their world, but does not here. He's thought through every last detail on that front.
And actually finally offering an explanation for the ambitious number: ]
I read a story about a girl who couldn't communicate well. Her goal was to make a hundred friends, but I don't think that's enough. Even if you meet a hundred people, how many of them will you be compatible with personality wise?
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Wouldn't a handful of meaningful friendships matter more than knowing the names of a few hundred people?
I'm not even sure I could do that.
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You can't find a few close friends through meeting a few people. In fact, even if you interacted with hundreds, the chance of forming a connection is marginal.
Even if you can form a connection, the chances of it lasting for more than a few weeks is marginal, and the chances of maintaining it rapidly declines the more time you add to it. There's too many factors working against people. They're drawn to each other and forge bonds and show kindness, but they'll always forget the past, and they'll hurt and betray each other.
The more people you meet, the better your chances of finding something that's both genuine and lasting.
You raise a good point. You'd forget people's names as soon as the conversation ended... Would that make it a good way of judging who left an impression?
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Anyway. Recalling a name from a list of eight hundred might have as much to do with the way its spelled as it does an impression of the person.
[This is what they do. Odasaku will discuss every hypothetical thought experiment that Dazai presents. He enjoys it. He's a hard person to be close-minded around.]
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You don't think it matters?
[ He'll let Oda decide which part he's referring to. ]
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If someone wanted to be my friend, I wouldn't exactly want it to be because they were trying to reach a certain quota.
Humans connect with each other for all sorts of reasons. Isn't it more authentic to have it happen naturally?
I don't need a lot of friends. Just one or two I like.
i am feeling attacked by that icon
If people depended on authenticity alone, then all the tools we have at our disposal to help meet people would be worthless! Social media and dating apps would collapse in on themselves and our fragile society would follow.
You're trying to cause the world to descend into chaos, Odasaku.
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[Dating apps? Social media? Oda Sakunosuke? Be so serious.]
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It's not the same for Odasaku. One became two, two became three; then somewhere in all of that came five orphans and a restaurant owner. It had all collapsed in on itself, but he thinks that Odasaku was happier then than he was before.
So, he needs to rebuild his foundation too. So, they loop back around to where they started, ]
Eight.
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I can agree to that.
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What about Akutagawa-kun? He's a handful, but I think you can handle him.
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As for Akutagawa-kun, I don't dislike him, but I'm not sure I'd consider us friends. You think he'd event want to be? No offense to him, but he doesn't really seem the type.
[Anyway, that's his son. He's "Ryuu" the six-year-old for the rest of all time.]
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He's not, but I'm not giving him a choice in the matter. In fact, you're the best possible person to pair him up with.
[ Because Akutagawa needs someone who can handle him, and Odasaku needs people to take care of, to say nothing of what a dangerous combat unit they would be, and because Odasaku is someone who makes people want to be more than they are.
He's thought about this. ]
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I'm not going to force him into anything, but it sounds like you might. Maybe he won't mind.
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You can trust me on this.
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Have you met Akechi-kun yet? What do you make of him?
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dazai really just gossiping with bestie about all his cr
I love it so much
Like Akutagawa-kun? How do you figure that? The difference too.
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Akechi-kun is fueled by emotion rather than logic. He sees the world in binaries. There's the strong and the weak, and there's winners and losers. In his case, he wants to see life as a game of chess or go, but he's not capable of learning the rules, much less playing it better than anyone else.
He has potential though. If he could develop even a hint of sense and awareness of the world around him, and if he could overcome whatever hurt and anger has possessed him, then he could be dangerous. As it is, his talent is squandered. It's atrophying as we speak.
I'm sure you'll see the difference between the pair of them when you meet him again. It's quite simple, after all.
Akutagawa-kun wants to live. Akechi-kun wants to die. In that regard, I'm sure both will have their wishes granted.
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You seem to know this kid better than I thought. That's an awfully in depth assessment. You really picked him apart.
I'll have to keep an eye out, I guess. He definitely doesn't appear that way on the surface.
[He was a sweet kid. Possessed by anger and hurt? Oda resents that. He'd like to think Dazai's wrong, but he isn't often, and he clearly has some reason for saying so.]
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...
VILLON is typing...
VILLON is typing... ]
You're right. I said too much.
He has people to take care of him, so it's none of my business.
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You didn't say too much. I don't feel that way. You can tell me whatever you think. I respect your opinion, so I'd like to know.
It lets me know to be cautious. That's all. I'll give the kid his own chance to make an impression regardless.
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He just reminds me a bit of someone. That's all.
[ Which is probably why Dazai's struggling to speak his thoughts now. ]
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It makes me think that there's something I'm missing.
[ Now, who could that be? ]
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You're not going to tell me who it is? Dazai?
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He reminds me a bit of myself, though we're nothing alike. In fact, I would be offended if anyone else were to suggest it.
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Given what you told me, I can start to understand, I think.
It makes sense you'd be able to spot something like that in someone else, I suppose.
that gagtag is my 13th reason why
The kind thing to do would be to give him a painless death, but that's not an option either.
What's the right thing to do here, Odasaku?
LOL
Just give him a chance to live while he's here. What else can you do, Dazai?
Painful or not, he has no choice but to live right now. Once he leaves this place, it'll be out of your hands regardless.
You don't know what might come of it. Nothing here is certain. That's what everyone says.
He deserves a chance, I think.
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It's difficult because Dazai agreed to become a person who saves the weak and protects the orphans. He promised to be something more. Odasaku is right, too. Akechi will leave, and after that it won't be his problem.
It seems as though he should care about what happens after more than he does, but four years have passed and nothing has changed.
Still, he's taking what's said to heart here. ]
You're right. If I keep acting like a nuisance, I'm sure that something interesting will happen.
I think he might try to kill me at some point. Wouldn't that be fun if he did? It's been awhile since anyone has.
I hope you'll get along with him.
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You might be able to, too, without getting killed. You think you'll push him to that point?
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If he can't learn when to tactfully decline, then the next best thing is a childish outburst.
Are you worried?
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[He'd struggle to put any of that into words.]
I'm not worried. I'd just wish better for the kid.
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[ He knows that's not what Odasaku means, but this is a more digestible way of expressing any thoughts he might have. ]
He's an Ability user. I want to see what he can do.
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[At any rate, they're both perfectly capable of handling themselves. He'll mind his business, as he does.]
I'd be curious to know what you find out. It seems you've managed to dig up a lot already, detective.
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To this day, you're the only person who I've had a hard time reading. Has anyone commented on it here, or is this group a little sharper?
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Do you think people find me hard to read?
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[Oda can't really blame them. It seems like a lonely thing to endure.]
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That's true. I have an air of mystery about me, don't I? Do you think that gives me a natural charm?
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[It's obvious, isn't it? Dazai is a charismatic person, utilizing it one way or another. His statement is that of simple fact.]
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Though his response is... Well, probably in line with what one would expect from him. Sort of. Maybe. ]
I knew I could count on you to understand! I'm going to find the woman of my dreams here, I can sense it.
You know, if you tried, I bet you could easily attract someone too. You have all the right layers to you. On the outside, you're mysterious and unavailable, but then beneath that you're a sensitive and kind person, the type who a person can slowly unpack and realize that they're being shown pieces of you that no one else can see...
for fuck's sake
[?]
That's a pretty glowing review. You really think so?
FELLAS IS IT GAY IF YOU DO WHATEVER THIS IS
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You should look around. Once you know what to look for, you'll see it immediately. It's only natural in a place like this. We're all trapped in close quarters and high strung, with a constant influx of stress and a fear of what tomorrow my bring! It's the perfect combination to force a romantic spark, or at least something that could be mistaken for it.
Coupling allows people to fulfill all their basic emotional needs when it comes to emotional support and having a connection, it tells them that they're not alone and soothes them at a time when they're at their most isolated and vulnerable. This is the perfect storm for whirlwind romances that will either reach the greatest heights or fall apart in a way that does irreparable damage.
Inn other words, it's the perfect time to find love, and it's the perfect time to experience heartbreak. The odds will never be more in our favor, and they'll never be less in our favor because the pool is increasingly shrinking.
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I'm not saying you're wrong, but I can't say I've personally felt any particular impulse to date just because we're stuck in a small place. Have you?
[He feels less like it than ever, really. Funny how that works.]
cw: suicide mention
I'm happy with the way that things are now. Besides, I can't imagine someone being more interesting than you are.
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[There's a strange sensation at that. Oda can't quite pin it down.]
I get it though. If you can't imagine anyone more interesting than me, I definitely can't imagine anyone more interesting than you. Things are fine the way they are right now.
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Sure. If they're not at least as interesting as you are, then the flame of our romance will be extinguished far too quickly. I need someone who can constantly rekindle it.
There's no one more interesting than you are... Well, you're right that there's no one quite like me, but I'm sure that you could find someone who's half as interesting. If you're really lucky, maybe just as interesting.
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wrap
10/26... no one can blow the place up now we can't break the continuity
Just enough that he can remember twilight.
But that's not what he's concerning himself with now, instead padding down the hallway. He hesitates, reaches a hand out, pulls it back. Then again a few more times before he raps his knuckle against the door to Odasaku's room - light enough that it would be barely audible, because he doesn't really want a response, and Dazai doesn't really know why he's doing this. But it is there.
Knock, knock... ]
(softly) screams?
[He isn't expecting the knock. It's so quiet that he thinks he might have imagined it. He gets up from the bed, lazily scratching at the back of his head as he passes through the room. He pulls the door open...
[There he is. What's this all about...?]
Hey. What's up?
HEHEHE
[ He bounces one arm up and down. The handle of a colorful bag is hanging off of it, and there's a rattling sound as the contents shift about.
That said, if Odasaku doesn't stop him, Dazai is going to invite himself into his room since he is a truly shameless person. If that doesn't work, then he'll remove on extracting him from it.
Either way, the idea should be obvious. He has a birthday gift. ]
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[Oda takes a seat on the edge of the bed. He's not sure what to say. 'You shouldn't have' would sound trite, but really...]
I'm surprised.
[He'll accept the gift if Dazai hands it over, though he won't open it right away. Should he be?]
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[ Though Dazai was the first to complain when the other two didn't get him presents for Christmas. That's just how it was. If anything, Ango would have been the more thoughtful one on that front. Still, one or the other covering his tab had to suffice.
He will hand over the gift to him without complaint, making a little go on motion. When he does, he'll find a pair of boxes inside. They're small and lightweight, the contents hidden beneath decorative wrapping paper and tied up with a red ribbon. He's put thought into this. He's had plenty of time to think about it, really, all while knowing that twenty-three was the oldest that his best friend would ever be. ]
omg wedding rings
[He doesn't so much hesitate, but he does stop to look at Dazai for a moment before opening them next. He has no idea what might be inside.]
he's proposing rn
The second is a blank notebook with a familiar pattern. It's hardly an even match, but it's close enough that Dazai found it to be satisfactory. Once the latter is opened he'll reach out, letting his fingertips brush against the cover.
His smile is slight, uncertain, but there's an intensity to the way that he looks at him - some complex mix of emotions that can't quite make their way into his expression. It matches the soft voice that he speaks in, something that doesn't settle into something calm and kind until halfway through. ]
You know, Odasaku... I've had more than one person tell me that you're not qualified to be a good person if you've killed. You can't be a good person, you can't be a writer... That's ridiculous. People who have seen death up close are the only ones who can say that they've lived. People who have suffered, people who have hurt, who loved as much as they hated, who can save people and kill them, without ever forgetting how to be kind...
[ He taps his fingers against the cover before taking his hand back. ]
You understand the human heart better than anyone, Odasaku. There's no one more qualified to write about them than you.
[ Then, plopping down on the bed next to him and glancing away briefly, ]
I really wanted to read it. The novel that you were going to write.
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[Seems a pretty simple gift, doesn't it? Oda's told a few people here that he'd like to write. It's not something that has to be so much of a secret anymore - though, what has he written? Nothing.
[So, any one of those people that he told might have figured out it was his birthday and gotten him something like this, but they wouldn't have said what Dazai said.
[They don't know Odasaku. They don't understand what drives him, nor what binds him. Dazai knows. He knows what handing Odasaku something like this means. Maybe what he doesn't know is that it feels like permission. Why should he need Dazai's?
[His hand is resting on the notebook, and he's quiet. He's been quiet too long, maybe. His emotions feel like a wave, building into something catastrophic - he thinks maybe he shouldn't still be standing the way he is.
[He looks at Dazai. His jaw is tight. He nods his head. Clears his throat. Looks down at the notebook again.]
I've, uh...been thinking about something, and it's kind of an odd feeling.
Everyone says that crystal in town will give you anything you wish for. I found myself wondering...if I asked for that novel that I never could read the ending to from that crystal, then...it would probably give me the finished work, right?
[He's emotional. Why is he emotional? He has to pause, chew on nothing for a second.
[He doesn't finish his thought; says:]
I wanted that too.
[Can he still?
[After losing them, throwing away his life - the way he wounded his only friend, and how he's been forced to face that now. He's not a perfect person. He knows that what he did was selfish.
[And now he's here. It's temporary. He knows that.
[Is he, of all people, deserving of a second chance like that?
[The truth is he doesn't know which way is up. He'd like to write it all down. He'd like to write something amazing.]
I don't know...if wanting is still something I'm meant to do.
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[ The answer is immediate. It's decisive, leaving no room for argument, because he's already considered and countered every single one, or perhaps he simply refuses to hear them.
His throat feels tight, the air that he swallows down not seeming to reach his lungs, and it seems as though his chest is constricting. It would surely be less painful to gouge his eyes out and rupture his eardrums, to put a knife through his heart, than to see that look and hear such words.
It's been four years, but Dazai never learned to mourn; he never learned how to do more yearn for bygone days.
Oda doesn't want the ending to that story, not really. People never really know what they want. They never say what it is that they want, but what they find to be within their reach. ]
You don't need to see the ending to that story. It's yours now. It's a story that only you can write. If you can't, then no one can.
[ If he doesn't have the full context, Dazai can fill in the blanks well enough. He scoots a little closer, his fingertip running along the spine. There's something to be said about what it means to be a writer. It's to write about a person, how one should live and one should die, and it's something a bit more than that too.
There's something more to it, too, something that he can't pin down, something that can never quite breach the surface, no matter how close it gets, some odd feeling that there's a deeper meaning to it all - that he might find something hidden in those words, some secret that's been hidden from him.
He settles for, ]
The way that you see the world is different. The way that you've lived is different.
[ He leans forward and folds his arms on his knees, for the first time averting his gaze. It falls down to the floor and there's a light frown. ]
You live the way that people should.
[ It's a life filled with pain and regrets, with hardship and broken dreams; some meaningless tragedy, as all lives are, and yet despite that he's never forgotten how to be kind. He never forgot how to want to live, how to think on what life would bring; rather, that desire was choked out, it was buried - there was no one who prevented it, and there was no one who reignited it.
He stares down for a time before he raises is eyes back up and repeats, ]
I still want to see it.. The novel that you would have written - that you'll one day write.
icon war ICON WAR
[He thinks he knows what Dazai means though. Because he's come to realize what he means to Dazai. He recalls his dying moments often. He recalls that last piece of advice.
[Dazai looks up to him. He's his truest friend. They're here together, despite all impossibility. Odasaku's dream could barely take root before he tossed it away, right along with his life - no story left to write.
[He's here now, with his best friend beside him. There is a "one day" to look ahead to. He may not be the most deserving, but it's been given to him, and so have these empty books. What an insult it would be not to fill them...
[He raps his knuckles a couple of times on the cover of the notebook in his hand, mouth jerking to the side in some facsimile of a smile as he chokes back some emotion. He nods.]
I made a wish...
To write in a room with a view of the sea.
[One can, indeed, sea the ocean from his window. Even now, one can hear waves crashing in the distance.
[He looks at his friend. He thinks to himself that there's no one he cherishes more. It's overwhelming. He was such a lonely person once.
[He holds up the book. Starts to talk - clears his throat.]
I will. So you can read it one day.
I'll start right away. Dazai.
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It's too much. He's drowning. There's nothing painful about his answer, but it feels like sinking, like he can see bubbles floating up, popping long before they can escape the sea.
It's too much. It's like trying to pour an ocean of water into a coffee cup. His heart is too small and too fragile to withstand this much.
Living is, he thinks once more, an inherently painful thing.
Even so, pain can be something dear as much as anything else.
Dazai closes his eyes and smiles. He squeezes Odasaku's arm lightly and nods. ]
Good. It will be worth the wait... It's fine for your wishes to be granted every once in awhile.
[ A room with a view of the sea to write in, a place where the past can't touch him, where there are people who care, where he can have all those things that a person should... Yes, it's fine for a world like that to exist.
A gentle chuckle. The ebbing, flowing, foaming rolling waves in his heart gradually settle and still. When he opens his eyes once more, there's an unfamiliar sentiment in them. His smile is soft, satisfied, and contented in an equally unfamiliar manner.
When's the last time that he had something to look forward to...? ]
Happy Birthday, Odasaku.
YOUNG ROGUES GROUP CHAT (umbrella; closed to Maruki & Dazai)
11/06.............. let's do this
Dazai has lived here for three months. He remembers that. They're his memories, and they're not. It's fuzzy in some areas, though he's been able to piece together everything of importance - who he knows, what he knows, what other people know.
He was a 22-year-old man who was working as a detective of a sort. That is who people know. However hard he tries to piece things together, the circumstances that led to that are blurry and incomprehensible.
Thus, this is the first time in a couple days that he's been here; it's the first time he's entered in this house, and he's exited it just once before, though he's done so countless times before.
He paces throughout the house and examines it with his one visible eye, the other covered in bandages, and the black trenchcoat that hangs on his shoulders flutters lightly behind him. It should only be a couple more years before it's a perfect fit.
Black suit, black jackets, injuries that haven't yet healed... He looks every bit the part of an executive of the Port Mafia. The youngest in the organization's history.
It only takes so long before he finds the person he's looking for. ]
... Hey, Odasaku. I'm back.
kill me (cw: child death, grief, suicidal ideation)
[Gone.
[Just like that. All of the warnings he'd heard up until now had, he realized, at least somewhat fallen on deaf ears. No one ever expects to lose their best friend. No one ever expects to lose their children. No one ever expects to lose themselves - not even Dazai, Odasaku doesn't think. Not really.
[Odasaku remembers grief as violent, screaming, scraping knees agains the asphalt, throat ripped open. He couldn't live with it.
[This grief was different, a deep emptiness. Odasaku has never been one to sulk.
[He canceled his plans. He turned off his phone. He stayed in bed. He waited...
[And he became keenly, intimately, miserably aware of just exactly how Dazai must have felt, spending four long years alone, because only one man had ever tried to understand him.
[It's worse than rot. He'd have to pull himself back up again, somehow. Death is no longer an option.
[And since when was Odasaku the one to think about death so much, anyway? Dazai always makes it sound beautiful, but Odasaku doesn't think so. It's a sickening desperation.
[The door to the cottage open. Hope springs, as painful as a bullet clear through the chest. Odasaku is out of his room and into the living area. He doesn't let himself expect, but he can't help but reach. Who else would simply invite themselves in? No one else, but--]
Dazai. [Breathless. Stunned. Odasaku's eyes widen, his mouth falling open.
[Dazai.
[Dazai, but not just Dazai - his. The Dazai he remembers. The Dazai he knew three months ago. The Dazai he abandoned.
[This world makes no sense. He'd seen this Dazai when the rifts took over Somnius, but this feels different, somehow. That time has ended, hasn't it?
[Oda notices his hand is reaching.
[He should pull it back.
[He doesn't. He grips one of Dazai's hanging sleeves.]
Where...? Dazai... You're...
[Rendered speechless. Perhaps not unfitting, but his expression has never been quite this broken open again.]
I...I thought you were gone.
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[ Dazai's eyes train down and to the side, to the hand that clings to one of the sleeves of his jacket. He stares for several long seconds, eyes-half closed, as though reflecting on something, before he shakes his head and looks back up.
If it were any other time and any other place, he might be able to brush it off with a light remark about this happening before, but that look on his face kills any inclination he might have.
It's difficult. He is without a doubt Osamu Dazai. He is the same as he was every day before now, but there's a piece of him missing. There's a gap between then and now. Those memories of the last few months haven't quite settled, and neither has his heart, which aches painfully. It's overwhelming. That look overwhelms him, and it feels as though any kind of torture would be less painful.
He places his hand on Odasaku's arm, letting it settle there. ]
I wasn't gone that long, you know.
[ A wry grin that flattens out, then reshapes itself into something softer. ]
... I know. People disappear here all the time, so you started worrying, right? But I promised you that I wouldn't leave.
[ His fingers curl slightly. That's important. That's more important to him than almost anything, more and more with each passing second. There's this thought that he doesn't want to leave, not if leaving means returning. The thought of it is nauseating, and he finds that he'd lived with it for so long that he'd simply forgotten about it until now; he exhales a breath that he didn't realize he'd been holding. ]
Have I ever lied to you about something like that?
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[And it still doesn't make sense. He isn't the same, but he remembers. He promised he wouldn't leave. Odasaku promised that too. And Dazai has never lied to him about anything like that. Odasaku never has either.
[He sucks in a deep breath through his nose; hadn't quite realized he needed one. He lets go of Dazai's sleeve, running a hand through his hair, but it fidgets.
[Unsteady. He's not used to this. He clears his throat - shakes his head. Why be steady? He feels he could erupt. He wants to.]
You remember. [He clears his throat.] How can that be?
[Because nothing here makes sense. Odasaku has heard that it's Hell, but it doesn't feel that way now; did yesterday, and the day before, and the day before.]
Before, you were...[Does he remember?]
You look...the same as I last saw you, now. Back in Yokohama.
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[ Softly, affectionately, because those feelings are still there. Not four years of yearning, but three months, a seamless transition that isn't quite at odds with what he knows. It's more intense, for that longing only increased with the years, but rather than something disconcerting, that affection is as a warm fireplace on a cold winter's day - he's inched closer to it with a blanket tucked around him, embracing its glow.
Whatever emotions may have weighed him down, those days that Odasaku refers to, those that he remembers, were never anything more than a soft comfort. But he doesn't need any memories to know that they always would be - rather, it's only his lack of thought on the future that had prevented him from noting them as such.
The rest is a little more complicated, and he feels at the fabric of Odasaku's shirt, feeling it out with his fingers and gripping and releasing it. It's not that he doesn't know, but rather, that it's difficult to explain. His hands rest by his side, that one raised arm having fallen back. ]
This is a place founded on wishes, so at least one person must have wished for it, [ One or both of them, ] For things to return to how they once were... But even if you thought, "I want to erase this pain," you wouldn't want to erase the happy memories that came after... Right? It's something like that.
[ And what of those four years between, then...? Were they happy? Were they sad? No one can say now. But those brown eyes are fixed on him, clear-eyed, intense, staring directly at him without the least bit of judgment, but perhaps the slightest curiosity - had it been one? Both?
Ah, he really does hate that look on his face. He hates it. It doesn't suit him at all. It makes Dazai's knees feels wobbly and his eyes burn, and he really does think that life would be easier if only he could gouge them out. If it would make it better, Dazai might drink bleach to get away from it, but he knows it won't, and so his countenance is ever unchanging aside from that slight twitch of his fingers as they curl by his side, that faint tension that comes and goes. ]
... I remember my time here with you, because I didn't want to forget it. I remember my time with others, because I wouldn't wish to forget them now. [ Dazai takes a step forward to close the gap between them that little bit more, leaning forward just a bit with that beguiling smile, ] I'm sure the rest will come back later, [ Whether or not they want it to, ] but for now this is enough, isn't it? Because that promise meant... That I wouldn't forget our time spent here either.
[ That much was certainly a wish that they'd made together.
Dazai can say all of this because he's the more logical of the two. He's already pieced much of it together, to the point where the rest is momentarily lost to the sea of emotion. Enough that he can, just for this instant, forget his death. ]
I remember what's important.
[ Odasaku, always Odasaku, but he remembers others too... Maruki and BB, Sunmori, Akechi, and others too. There's people here. He remembers them. People he doesn't know well but was inching toward - so many, so many... So many more than he could have imagined in their world.
What an odd feeling ]
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[Here.
[Dazai hates the look on Odasaku's face, but it only deepens in its pained affection. It's warm, but it's heavy. He feels...overwhelmed; compelled, but he doesn't know toward what. He wishes, but he doesn't know what for. Just him.
[His voice comes out a whisper.]
I wouldn't wish to erase you, Dazai.
Not this you. Not that one.
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That's rare. That's unheard of. Dazai is never at a loss for words. There's always something he can say. There's always something on the tip of his tongue, and so each passing second of silence, each rise and fall of his chest, each inhale and exhale, seem like they belong to someone else. It's unnatural. It's dizzying. It's something that he doesn't know how to deal with, like clumsily trying to do a two-man cats cradle by himself with know knowledge of how to do so, and so all he has is a tangled mess of string.
Was he better? Is this better? What's the optimal choice here? He doesn't know. Something is missing. Something is missing, something aching, yearning, painful, something that makes his heart quicken with that touch - that grip, that grounding, that at once makes it feel as though the world might collapse and the only think that's holding him in place when his memories aren't seamlessly connecting.
Was it his wish then? No, it couldn't have been. Dazai doesn't remember wishing for this. He drunkenly leans against him, as though all his muscles were suddenly depressed, staggering as he tries to make sense of something nonsensical. It would be easier if there were some emotion he could pull on and tap into, but there's not - it's not forgotten, it's lost, what should be there is lost in its entirety.
There is something painful about that though. It feels like he's lost something important. Something that he's always tried to protect. Something that he would die the moment he lost. That's the singular fragment of who that person was that remained - some yearning that encompassed every single moment of every day, something that he could have lived without ever realizing was there if only the rest weren't stripped away.
...
It's fine. It's no matter. But he's still not sure what to say, and so his mouth opens and closes several times without anything coming out, before finally - ]
Odasaku....
[ ...
...
Nothing else follows.
For the first time, Dazai isn't sure of what to say at all. ]
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[Odasaku is a dead man. They're in a false world. Their time is limited. Dazai has returned.
[Odasaku pulls the boy's head against his chest, wrapping the other arm fully around him. They never used to get close like this. They still don't, really, but the time or two that they have over the last three months...
[Odasaku doesn't want to let go.
[He holds him tight. He holds him steady. He rests his cheek against the top of the boy's head and closes his eyes.]
Don't worry about it, Dazai. You don't have to say anything.
[Because Dazai is speechless, and he's never speechless.
[Let him be speechless. Let him be stunned. Let him be human.
[Odasaku is rendered human. There's no one else but Dazai who can make a foolish dream like that reality.]
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There was always an unspoken agreement between Dazai and others. He could enter their space, but were to stay out of his. Odasaku and Ango both understood that. They could stay close to him because they understood how to maintain the correct distance. In that way, they could share their warmth without doing harm.
There's a sense of dread that sends shiver down his spine, a shortness of breath, and his face feels hot. He should push away. He should have pulled away before, but it's like all the strength has been sapped from him. He leans forward instead, helpless, and listens to the steady beat of his friend's heart.
He's warm, and he's away of each breath that companies the rise and fall of his chest, and Odasaku smells faintly of smoke.
It's too painful. It really will be what kills him. Maybe that's why this happened. That sensation that's been building over months, over years, had finally become too much.
Dazai doesn't want to be human, because everything about being human is painful. But he does too, and it's only with Odasaku that he struggles so much.
It's less practiced, but in the end there's less hesitation, less awkwardness when he decides to reciprocate the gesture. He wraps his arms around the other with some trepidation. His grip is light at first, but he convinces himself to tighten it just a bit.
It feels different than it has the times before. It's still a greater weight than he can bear, but it's lighter; less sickening, less desperate, because all the things that should be there have been wiped away - four years of emotions which had only recently found an outlet. ]
... Sorry for worrying you. I don't think I can stay this way forever, but it is fine for now. This is how it should be.
[ He has no concrete proof for that, but Dazai trusts his own judgment. ]
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[Dazai is wrong. None of this is what it should be. None of this should be possible at all. They had their time, and their time ended, and now their time is laid out in front of them, and Odasaku is
[of suffocating himself.
[They part slowly. Odasaku keeps a hand on either one of Dazai's shoulders and watches him, brows folded above glossy blue eyes, smile weak, smile fond, smile His, only His.]
It's like I said. Whichever you is here with me...
[A light grip to those shoulders. Odasaku has to hold it a moment before dropping his arms to his sides.]
That's what I want. Dazai. Alright?
[There's no need to talk in circles. Oda nods for the door.]
Have a smoke with me. I've missed talking to you.
1/3
Odasaku shouldn't look at him that way. It makes him feel like he's being seen - truly seen - for just a moment, for just a second; a brief period of time that's there and gone. The trance that gaze had over him is broken when he removes his hands, and Dazai looks away.
He's been here for three months. He knows how he should feel, but his heart just won't settle into place, because the middle is missing. It's like trying to pick up where he left off in the middle of a story that he'd forgotten the most important parts of.
It feels like there's something missing. ]
Honestly... I wasn't gone that long. I've disappeared for longer stretches of time.
[ He throws his hands up, waving them a little before dropping them back down and sliding them into his pockets as he walks to the door at a brisk pace, as though the moments before were nothing more than a daydream.
It was surely something important... ]
Do you remember the Dragon's Head Conflict? I was gone so long that even the Boss was worried!
[ He sounds proud of that. ]
2/3
It was certainly something he'd always protected.
Something that he would have wanted to hold onto, even if he lost everything else.
That's why it's fine for now, but he can't stay like this forever.
This is just a fleeting dream anyway. It will disappear no matter how much he wishes to believe in it. ]
3/3
... All of this has reminded me of something! Odasaku, are you familiar with The Man Without a Heart? It's a Danish fairy tale.
[ But this is fine for now. ]
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[And then he's asked about a fairytale. It makes that ache in his heart painfully pulse. Whatever Dazai follows up with, it will be a conversation unique to only this one man, as they all are; how desperately Odasaku missed their late night talks.
[He lights up his cigarette and takes a drag, blowing the smoke in the direction opposite of Dazai.]
I'm not. Tell me about it.
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The title says it all. There was once a wise man; an old safe who believed that he had no love for his fellow man and wished to be left alone with his studies. He turned away the poor, the widowed, and the orphans, irritated by them; and when he buried his father, he solemnly wished he had no heart.
Thus, he sought and later summoned Fortune, and when asked what he wished for sad, "Perfect happiness. Fortune herself is my desire."
He considered Fortune a force of nature and could not be found in money, nor good eating and drinking, and instead clarified that he wished to have no heart. After that, he was able to see the greatest want and distress without feeling troubled. He thought himself happier than all others for this.
One day, he was visited by a prince who who had been sent to the neighboring kingdom along with his brother to find a wife. The prince pitied him for being a person who had no wife and no children; who found no pleasure in nature or the blessing of living with others.
But the old sage said, "I have never married, and I never shall. My time is too valuable to be spent in the careless world, which seems to live only for idle pleasures and trifling pursuits. I live for a grand purpose," and, "I have thought and studied for many years, but perfectly happy I never was until I lost my heart. I have lost that, and do not wish to have it back."
The prince promised to find the wise man a wife. He found in the neighboring kingdom two princesses. He visited the old sage with them in tow, and proclaimed that they were not suitable for him. Enraged, the old sage turned two into stone, and kept the remaining princess to use as a slave - a "wife." You can imagine her distress, but her tears meant nothing to him and her pleas for mercy fell upon deaf ears.
One day, the elder prince came looking for the younger one. After feeding an eagle and saving a mole, he he was granted their kindness in finding the philosopher's heart. He returned it to the man, who pleaded to have his heart and his youth returned, that he might live like other men.
There now, the prince and princesses were freed, and by the philosopher's chair there stood a small boy. This man had found his heart again, and was to begin life afresh.
"For none of God's creatures can live without a heart," is the ending and the moral.
[ It could be mistaken as being about Dazai, but it's not. After all, Dazai never had any particular inclination to study, nor does he reject companionship; quite the opposite in fact, where it seems as though he was born without a heart and thus incapable of having what he wants most. Likewise, he finds that age has yet to make him worse rather than better. It seems unlikely to him that it could.
So, what's the point of sharing this story? Well, it's just one of his whims.
Dazai pauses, allowing his companion to take everything in before asking, ]
What do you think?
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I think I get it. It's not quite the same as ignorance being bliss, but...
[He takes a drag on his cigarette, withholding the smoke as he considers; he lets it out slowly, straight up into the air.]
Someone could give away their heart. When you can't tell the difference between something terrible and something beautiful, then neither can affect you. There's strength to it...
[That would be an empty life; painless, but empty. Is that a worthy trade? He doesn't know. If one never has, then they can never lose; it's a seductive thought.]
Seems to me he lived just fine without a heart. I'm not sure you can say that happiness was false if there was no alternative, but...
[Blue eyes glance at Dazai. It's one of those moments where he's not quite sure he's getting things right. He feels unmoored, and who could blame him? Dazai has sent him adrift in the sea. Nothing makes sense. But Odasaku's heart is open.
[It aches.
[It bleeds.
[It hurts, but...]
I'm glad he got his heart back. Seems it was waiting for him all that time, wasn't it?
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[ His voice lowers toward the end.
Dazai, who has never been anything but himself, has no ability to see the appeal of having neither. In truth, it seems to him no better or worse than any other. But he's never seen much difference between those dichotomies that humans draw.
Odasaku must have been lonely though. It would be easier back home where he had the orphans and the restaurant owner too, his own mock-family unit, but here and now it's just the two of them. That's why Dazai concluded that he needed others.
He reaches his hand out, letting it brush up against the back of Oda's wrist before he draws it up to his chin. It's a small token of acknowledgment. ]
He had no concern for welfare of others, so he never made those miraculous discoveries that were at his fingertips. He studied for years to gain perfect happiness, but perfect happiness was being without a heart.
[ With or without a heart, then, he hadn't achieved that happiness he wished for. ]
He did retrieve his heart in the end, but he never obtained what he had spent all that time seeking — the nature phenomena known as "Fortune." [ He ponders this for a moment, ] Or maybe he did.
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That all depends on your definition of "fortune," doesn't it?
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[ Dazai nods, certain of this. It must be correct, as the story itself promises that no living being can exist without a heart.
But that does not define what the sage was looking for. It does not speak of the Fortune that he wished for. Nor should it. It's a fairy tale with a simple moral. No one ought to look that deeply into it, and no one does, and Dazai does not either - rather, he searches for something in speaking of it, something that which cannot be found, ]
The age despaired after despairing at the state of the world, and after losing his father... He was just in a state of a despair...
[ Despair of a world that showed him only beggars, widowers, and orphans. Despair of a world that only left him digging his father's grave. Does that touch him? Does it matter? There's not a single thing that hints at is, for Dazai remains with his hand held up to his chin, thoughtful.
Then, suddenly, his shoulders shake and he covers his mouth to stifle a laugh, ]
Yes... I understand. I know what "Fortune" is...
[ A single glance at Odasaku, that slight opportunity to offer his opinion, though Dazai is ever happy enough to go on without. ]
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Tell me.
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Odasaku can listen to him, and Dazai can watch him - can listen to him, can do so much more, as only Dazai can, and so they can understand each other. ]
"Fortune" is what can take your heart away, and is what can replace it... "Fortune" is what can erase who you were, that which can make you afresh... It can do all of that. It is a force of nature, like lightning or a hurricane, yet you can never catch it except for but a moment...
[ He exhales softly, ]
It's an age old riddle, isn't it? Ah, it's so generic that it bores me... It is "time." It is "time," because if you remove those years, those nightmares of years of only seeing human suffering will disappear; he can be reborn at the end because he has forgotten the loss of his father and will never know it again... Isn't that better?
[ But Dazai's frown deepens as he folds his arms, his eyes closing as his chin tilts down. There's this uncertain look, like he truly does not know what is the better option, before his eyes flutter open and he looks back to Odasaku.]
"Fortune" is as simple as "ignorance," wouldn't you say? Or at least, "time."
[ Ignorance is bliss, or so the saying goes, but that's not quite what Dazai means either - it's something more nebulous than that. It's ignorance of the horrors of the world. It's ignorance of everything save what's important. Those personal secrets, those lost loves, everything that one can hold near and dear.
Everything that time claims with the same proficiency as the Grim Reaper's scythe.
And so "Fortune" must be time itself. That desire to not only be young, but dumb and curious, interested in only other men.
Time, but just a bit more. ]
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[He watches him now, and Odasaku's expression has only just barely shifted, but on a face like his, it looks half-broken open. He nods his head. He gets it, he thinks. Maybe he's wrong. Maybe he's always been wrong, never right about one thing in his life - he's not sure anymore. He's not sure of anything.
[But if fortune is "time," then they've both been given it - Dazai has had time removed, and Odasaku has had more added to the clock. He's grateful. He is...
[And he can't say that he wouldn't allow himself to be robbed, had he the choice. The memories he holds of those children that he loved so deeply are cherished, but, then again, they can't be; holding onto them for even a mere second is so painful that he can't cope. Wouldn't it be better to have that pain removed entirely?
[The truth is, Odasaku's entire life has been built from pain. He's just not good at admitting it - to himself, to anyone. He's not all that good at feeling pain, really. He coped with it for a long enough time, but when all is said and done, twenty-three is awfully young to burn out...
[His throat feels thick and tight. He puts his cigarette between his lips in an effort to control his expression, slowly breathing in. He speaks without exhaling, at first.]
You're right.
[He breathes out the smoke. When he talks, his voice sounds the same as it did when he was still holding it in.]
Anyway you look at it. You're right.
[He looks at Dazai-- He...can't stop looking at him.
[Dazai.
[He realizes all at once that he loves him. Of course he loves him. How couldn't he love him? He always has. He always will.
[And he's been given more time.]
Does that make us lucky? Dazai?
It might. I think so.
cw: suicidal ideation
[ Everything always loops back to that, but there is a gravity to those words, something dark that doesn't quite sync up, like he's suddenly displeased with his own conclusions.
He doesn't entirely mind it. If he didn't like the outcome, Dazai would have no qualms about killing the person that he was; everything about them, every last part of their existence, every single remainder that another person might find, subsume it, replace it, but it's only himself that he wants to die. It's only that future self, who should be replaced.
That story could be about him, but it's not, because sometimes pain is a precious and treasured thing too. It's a poison that he thinks he might willingly swallow down and refuse the antidote if only it served some purpose.
Those are feelings he's had often here, ones which are a natural extension of who he is, so he can't entirely ignore them as he can so many others.
Still, whatever complicated feelings might lay beneath that statement are quickly lost, locked away as his expression warms, his smile reappearing. Dazai is ever oblivious to his own feelings, but that shift in Odasaku doesn't go unnoticed. ]
... Well! That has nothing to do with you or I though, Odasaku, since we're both still alive. Isn't it nice? It needs some adjustments, but we have our very own fountain of youth! We have "Fortune" at our fingertips!
[ He does laugh now. That is lucky, isn't it? Though this seems to be more like a rubberband. He'll snap back into place eventually. ]
Hey, Odasaku, do you know what else I think?
cw: suicide
[It started feeling different after Odasaku, himself, failed to die.
[He wonders how many times he'd give everything away for the sake of selfish relief. They've been given time - "fortune". He might not have thought he wanted it, only three short months ago.]
What is it? [Odasaku's voice is quiet. He leans down to stub his cigarette out on the ground, then tucks the spent filter back into his pack.]
Tell me.
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There's a slight pause, and whatever he might have originally said is gone, locked away. Instead what he says is, ]
I say that he was looking for "fortune," but it's a bit different. It was something that doesn't exist in any world.
[ As to what that something was, he doesn't seem willing to elaborate any further. ]
... Well, sorry for worrying you. You have to wait at least a couple weeks though, you know? I've let myself get kidnapped, faked my own death, been hospitalized for days...
[ The list goes on, and as it does he points to his index finger first, then the other four. ]
I always show up eventually though, don't I? So, you shouldn't worry... Ah, are you done smoking? I've been told that whiskey goes well with cigarettes, though we'd be doing it backwards...
[ There's a soft laugh, but he doesn't seem all that concerned. ]
hehe lmk if u wanna wrap or if you have more <3
[He turns back toward their cottage. It wasn't meant to be theirs originally, but it's become theirs. Odasaku likes it that way.]
Yeah. Let's have a drink.
[He puts a hand on Dazai's shoulder and squeezes.]
We'll talk a while.
we can wrap here <3
[ But he says it with that sort of boyish grin that suggests that they weren't talking about anything serious at all. Dazai is ever like that, and if he twitches slightly at the squeeze of his shoulder - tensing, puzzling, releasing, he's at least able to pull at Oda's arm next to start dragging him along.
Not renewed, not reborn, not able to live among his fellow man at all, but Dazai can happily pull at him like this; they can have this sort of dynamic. ]
Let's talk about something more interesting.
11/13-ish
[ That's rare. ]
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Alright. I'm listening.
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I don't have access to the Port Mafia's resources here, so I've been left wanting for actual expertise. If you find anyone like that who seems like they have a bit of good sense, let me know.
[ Just finding somebody with the latter seems like a big ask some days, hence why Odasaku is the only one who he'd entrust this task to. He can doubtlessly figure it out by himself, but he leans on the expertise of others too. ]
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I'll keep an eye out. I'm curious, though. What do you need a computer scientist for?
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I was going to force her to kill me to see if that would allow her to bypass or overcome it, but I thought there was too high of a possibility that it would just cause her code to be damaged and be corrupt. So, I need to find an alternative method.
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But she can't kill humans. She wants to, but she can't, and she's held back by a desire not to.
If she were to kill a human willingly, knowingly and intentionally, she would be superseding that fundamental contradiction that she maintains, along with a core part of her coding. It's a delicate balance that would be shattered in an instant.
If she could do that, then BB-san would then qualify as "a an AI who can kill humans." In that sense, she could become "an AI with free will." If we take it one step further, she might be able to become "a human with free will." Wouldn't that be interesting?
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Anyway. Sounds like you've already decided against it. I'll see who I can find. There's bound to be someone around here who knows something about programming.
We'll have to make sure it's someone she can trust, though.
I have another question.
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[ Not that the Port Mafia didn't have its fair share of traitors; Dazai consistently weeded them out, but those who could survive that oppressive atmosphere and maintain a certain amount of loyalty were dependable.
It's more personal than that too, but it doesn't occur to him to say that, or rather, because it is he finds a safe way to say it. ]
What is it?
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[Or has Dazai just decided that that's what's best for her? Odasaku feels no judgment. It isn't that he thinks Dazai might do anything to his friend with malicious intent, but it is something he's curious about. He certainly wouldn't want to interfere with a person's "coding," human or otherwise, without them asking for it themselves; then again, AIs are new territory. If her very coding doesn't allow for her to question it, then...
[Well. He just wonders.]
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If he were a normal person he would certainly question it. If he were emotional, he might reel at the question for fear of judgment, but he does neither here, no more than he would if somebody asked him if he was going to continue breathing. It's only Odasaku who tends to live relatively free of that tendency, because Dazai can never quite predict him; because he's the only person who has the qualifications to be human.
If it were anyone else, he would find it to be strange, or many normal, but it's Odasaku and so he simply answers honestly, ]
No, not yet. I have a few other things I need to look into first, and this is one of them. I'd like to be certain that it's possible before I proceed any further than this.
It would be cruel to offer a person like BB-san the hope of being able to live as a normal human only to find that it was never a possibility.
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[At the end of the day, he'd just like BB to have a choice, but it sounds like Dazai isn't opposed to that; aside from all that, it's really none of his business. By all measures, Dazai knows BB better than Odasaku does.]
I'll see what I can find, then.
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[ He lets Dazai do what he needs to in the end. He knows what he's doing.
A minute or so after: ]
Goodnight, Odasaku.
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Goodnight, Dazai.
late nov
[ Dazai starts, shifting the topic of what has thus far been a relatively normal conversation. Surprisingly mundane, really. He's sprawled out across the sofa, laying on his stomach with his arms folded and cheek tucked into the crook of his elbow.
It's probably nothing to worry about. ]
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[Odasaku is on the ground with his back pressed up against the coffee table. Why is he always sitting on the floor like that? Because Dazai takes up the couch, maybe...]
What news is that?
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That question acts as his cue to push himself up, bringing his knees in first before swinging his legs over the edge of the couch and to sit properly. He lifts one index finger, canting his head to one side and seeming quite pleased with himself, ]
I'm getting married.
[ Don't ask. ]
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[No, he'll be asking. He's...just not sure what his question is.]
You are...?
[Sometimes Odasaku isn't great on picking up at jokes. He's not sure if this is one of those times.]
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[ He places his hand over his heart now, practically beaming. ]
I met the most lovely young woman the other day, and it was love at first sight! She immediately proposed to me, ah... You should have seen her, Odasaku! She has the look of a woman who will crush my skull the second I even think about looking at another woman, so I decided to agree...
[ This is what he gets for asking. ]
I also met somebody at the bar the other day... She was crawling all over me, stealing my clothes, you name it... Would you believe it? I thought for sure it was going to be like one of those movies where a secret agent tries to seduce you and then kills you, but no dice...
[ He flops back down on the sofa now before rolling over again, pushing himself up on his elbows so he can continue looking at the other properly. ]
Oh, and that's not all! You know how I said this was starting to heal? [ He points to the bandages over his eye. ] Well, the funniest thing happened... While I was out today, a piece of a building hit me! It's worse than ever now... Isn't that amusing? Wouldn't have been funny if that was what killed me instead? It's too bad.
[ Odasaku does not want him to die so this is a good thing, but he can acknowledge that while also appreciating how completely ridiculous everything he just mentioned is. ]
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[The most immediately pressing:]
A piece of building hit you? How did you manage that one?
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[ As to why he didn't move out of the way, well - ]
I was going to move out of the way, but my foot got tangled up in a collapsed tent... Something sent a couple of them flying, and one must have fallen behind me. Unfortunately it softened my fall too, though, so I didn't hit the boulder that was under it. It had sharp edges, I bet I would've had a subdural hematoma, or at least a skull fracture...
[ He sounds very dejected about this last part. It is, again, a very good thing being that he has stated that he will not die, but still. ]
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Even with everything going on, you've managed to have a much more interesting week than me. Is the woman you're marrying different than the one you were flirting with at the bar?
[Look. He's just trying to figure things out, here. The jury is out as to whether or not he's actually worried a real marriage is on the table.]
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[ He's exaggerating on that one, but there are few enough people here that he wouldn't expect such an odd yet mundane sequence of events to transpire.
He scoots a little closer to the edge of the sofa. While he's processing all of that Dazai adds, ]
You can sit here too, you know.
[ Like he's not taking up the entire couch. ]
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I'm surprised you agreed so easily. [He...can't actually be serious, right?]
Shouldn't you get to know a woman a while, first?
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That's only if what you wish for is a marriage that's utilitarian in nature. That requires a certain amount of forethought and good judgment... People who marry for love have no need for such guardrails! The only thing a person needs is to be struck by cupid's arrow.
[ He's absolutely not being serious. Also, this was supposed to be a a marriage that's utilitarian in nature??? ]
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[Oda does realize that he's probably kidding, or...at the very least, being completely ridiculous. It makes for an interesting question though.]
Are you really the type to believe in that sort of thing?
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[ At least when they're young. People tend to have a more defined sense of what they're looking for when they're older, but that's beside the point.
Though well, whether or not those relationships end well is another matter entirely. ]
You don't?
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I guess I don't really know. I don't think that would do it for me, though...
Do you think anyone would know if they happened to stumble into something like that?
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They might. They would either notice immediately, or they never would. People who can't recognize their own situation are no different than boiling frogs.
[ That's how most things are. Dazai pulls his knees up closer to his chest before folding his arms on them, then leans forward so he can rest his chin on it as he watches his roommate.
It's not love, much less love at first sight, but... ]
You seem to be getting along with people here.
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[He thinks about boiling frogs. He might be the type to fall into that sort of trap.]
I've made a few friends. That's what you wanted, right? [He cares about what Dazai wants. He cares a lot.]
cw: death talk
It is. Eight-hundred, eighty, eight.
[ Though he doesn't remember why he made that decision. It seemed important at the time, in that same way that other fleeting thoughts and emotion come and go. Still, four years is a long time, and it didn't occur to him until now how much has changed in just three months; more than in the two years that Dazai knew him. It's like suddenly seeing someone in different lighting, the way their features stand out, the colors they wear, how much older they've gotten.
Dazai is exactly the same as when he came here, and that is why he can sync up so easily with thoughts and emotions that sometimes seem out of place. Four years changed him, but not enough. He still makes the same "jokes" that he wants to die, he still wanted to die, but Odasaku doesn't humor him in the same way anymore.He's not blind or deaf, and least of all dumb, so he can tell when it's bothering him; isn't sure what to do with that.
Dazai can only be who he is, and people who are unable to accept it inevitably remove themselves from his life. So, he's the same as ever. His heart is ever the same, unwavering, and their friendship seems like the one consistent thing; but it bothers him to have his disappearance noted, and it bothers him that there's no longer anyone who will humor and brush off how close he is to death at any given time.
If he was being boiled, then this might be like suddenly been tossed from a pot to a bowl of ice water.
But he just chuckles, shaking his head a little, because he can appreciate their negotiations. ]
You seem happy... You really were tired of being treated like an errand boy, huh?
[ "Happy" is the word he chooses, though it's not quite accurate. But better. More normal. ]
I've thought about leaving, but I'm just sick of seeing Chuuya's face,
[ He wrinkles his nose, as though he'd just tasted something unpleasant, ]
And Mori-san lied about giving me a medicine that would give me a painless death.
:( cw: suicide talk
[It's gotten difficult to talk flippantly about something like taking one's own life, now that Odasaku knows how it truly feels.
[And he isn't sure how to navigate what's changed, what he's learned, who Dazai became, and who he is now, how that differs from the Dazai Oda once knew.
[They're all Dazai. He's grateful.
[Something he says catches Oda's attention, though. He watches Dazai for a moment, quiet.]
Before you left the first time, you wanted to stay. Do you remember that?
[Traveling this world, however big it may be, and finding hole-in-the-wall bars to drink in. Maybe this Dazai doesn't want that anymore. Odasaku shouldn't have assumed.]
cw: suicide talk
Dazai can't though. He can only understand how others respond to it, and just that such a reaction is more bothering coming from some than others. ]
I do. I'll stand by that decision. Even if I were to leave now, it wouldn't be going back to being the eighteen-year-old Port Mafia executive. It would be a twenty-two year old detective.
The stars don't disappear because the sun shines brighter than them and the lights of the city dim them, nor because clouds block our view of them. My story has been told, whether or not I have the memories of it. If I decided that I do not want to go back, then I do not want to.
[ That's not to say that he would rethink it if not for that fact, but that he had no desire to is telling. There's only so much that changes. Dazai was still empty. If he thinks he found the world to be more pleasant, he still had no real reason to live. He was still happier here than there.
Those are the sentiments that he remembers. Dazai sees no need to doubt it. It's already too late for anything to change, and he doesn't even know what it would be. He has an idea, as he always does, but it's not something he's willing to commit his full attention to just yet.
In any event, this is nothing more than a memory.
Besides, he's enjoyed their time together here. If he were more in tune with his emotions perhaps that's what would come to mind, but as it is, he settles for what he does. ]
I'm going to stay as long as you do, Odasaku... But I've never thought of the Port Mafia as a ball and chain.
[ But he was an Executive, so maybe that's only natural. This isn't "freedom," because he's not really trapped here either; he can die anytime. It's just an extension of living. It's not really meant as a judgment, just a comment. He's no more attached to it than anything, able to come and go as he pleases. ]
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[They were all friends for a reason. Is that it?
[Something else bothers him more. He watches his friend. Knowing Dazai at twenty-two didn't tell Odasaku anything about a future that he would have to live. Dazai knows his own future intimately now. How must that feel? Odasaku can't imagine...
[Regardless, though, despite how baffling it all is...]
How you feel now matters too.
You aren't a memory. You're right here.
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[ Dazai is undeniably brilliant. He's like a thousand-year old sage. His plans are perfect. His read on people is perfect. He knows more about them than they do themselves most days. That's why nothing surprises him and nothing interests him for very long, and he's never tethered himself to anything in earnest.
But he's an eighteen-year-old boy too, one capable of all those feelings that someone his age can experience. Right now is the same as always, where he's not certain what to do with what Odasaku says to him. ]
That's right. Reality is reality. This world is as real as any other, and the people in it are just as real too. What people do here and now matters.
[ That's the conclusion he comes to after. It might seem like a shift in the narrative, but it's his own way of accepting those words.
His back is starting to hurt from sitting like this, and he stretches out before leaning back against the armrest once more and resting his hands on his thighs. ]
I don't know how long I can handle living in this town, but somewhere else will be fine. There are better places out there.
[ He can't stay like this forever, but he can't stay here either; if he starts to feel like a dog on a leash and collar, he wants to chew through it and rip off the arm that's holding it Still, his feelings haven't changed. Dazai has no desire to go back by himself. ]
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It's definitely an interesting place. You might not experience what you mentioned earlier anywhere else.
Still, I'd like to see what's out there too.
So, we'll see it. That's what we decided.
i was going to wrap but maybe just a lil more
[ He watches for a moment more. There's conflicted feelings swirling around, ones that he doesn't know what to deal with, and none of which he has any reference for. But he sets it aside for now, instead finally sitting up properly so he can scoot over next to Odasaku and look to him. ]
You're going to be my best man.
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[The man who stands beside him at the end of the aisle. That's right.]
I really don't believe you at all...
[Let him know that first.]
But sure. I would be.
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[ Are you saying he can't find a wife, Odasaku, because you're right if so. Not here anyway.
He's sulking now in the most melodramatic way possible now as he leans against Odasaku, folding his arms. ]
You're right. I'm going to be left at the altar...
[ And he's taking out his phone and texting BB, dragging out the process. Look at what you did, Odasaku. ]
hehe we can wrap here
text; un: doc0203 - sometime BEFORE the party!! BEFORE they make out sloppy style at the party!!!
I've been pretty holed up in my corner of town. Are you doing okay over in the cottages?
text; un: odasaku (OH BEFOREEEEE DA PARTY OKAY)
It's cold and dark, but other than that, we're doing alright. I've even taken a few walks around town.
Seems things haven't gotten much better, but they haven't gotten much worse either.
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While the town is in this state, it's probably not a good idea, but if things clear up...
Is that offer for firearm training still on the table?
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But yeah. Of course. I'll teach you to shoot any time you want.
If you ask me, though, there's really no time but the present. There's no telling how long this darkness will last, right? So, we teach you to shoot in the dark. Better to know how and not need it than the other way around, right?
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You want to start me out on hard mode!?
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I appreciate your willingness to teach me, though. More than I can say.
I had a bad experience recently. I'd like to be able to defend myself when something happens too quickly for Azathoth to react.
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You mind if I ask?
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I'm fine. Azathoth has healing capabilities.
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Well, I know just about how fun that is. [Yes, people have managed to land a bullet or two, believe it or not (not to speak of his death, which he isn't particularly thinking about right now).
[This next bit he weighs a while before sending. He's really not all that prone to prying into the deeper emotions of any given situation, but he remembers how Maruki reacted when the shots fired weren't even aimed at him...]
Are you feeling alright? Physical wounds aside.
I'm used to being shot at. It doesn't bother me much. Might bother most people, though.
cw violence i suppose
I can be honest and say it's weighed on me. Not only because it was a frightening experience, but because I've gotten used to having Azathoth's protection.
But I don't want to dwell on it. This reality is a tough one. I want to use it as an opportunity to become better at handling situations like that.
Thank you for asking, Odasaku. I really do value you.
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Folks don't check in on you all that often, do they, Maruki?
I value you too. Same reason, I think.
We'll get you safe. No worries.
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[Did he do that right? The whole "I saw everything, but we're agreeing I saw nothing" thing? He's really not very good at it, normally.
[Either way, he decides he'll check in a little more now, just to be safe.]
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Let's meet up soon, then.
If you can make it out to the farm, we can use the training grounds.
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sometime post-party, at da farm !!
To say Maruki is nervous is a grand understatement at best.
He's set up a few lanterns around the training grounds, but by and large the only light comes from the moon (hey girl hey) reflecting off the thick layer of snow. Maruki fidgets nervously with his scarf, offers Odasaku a nervous smile half-shadowed in the dim pool of light they stand in. ]
I suppose I'm as ready as I'll ever be.
time for pan to pretend it knows even one singular thing about a gun
[He's fine with getting straight to business - wouldn't know any other way, really. They've already gone over (inside, where it's light, and quite a few times) how to properly prepare the gun (what the safety is, how to use it, how to load the gun, etc., etc.) - now it's time to shoot.
[But first:]
Most people are pretty surprised by how loud a gun is up close, even if you've had one fired nearby before. At shooting ranges, they give you headphones to muffle it.
[A beat.]
I don't have those.
There's also a pretty bright flash when it's dark out, and the recoil will knock you back. I'm going to fire off a few shots - that way you can get used to the light and sound. Watch how I stand and hold my arm, though. You'll hurt yourself more than you think holding it too loose.
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[ It's quiet under his breath as Odasaku goes on. He's so matter-of-fact about these things that would normally frighten Maruki – the sound, the sight, the recoil. When they're presented as simple facts, things to deal with and get used to, it's easier.
He stands aside Odasaku, watches his stance carefully. ]
Whenever you're ready.
[ He has no doubt that even in the dark, Odasaku will hit the training dummy every time. ]
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[At that, Oda fires off three shots - three flashes, three explosions that shatter the sound barrier, three bullets through a training dummy's head.
[He blows the smoke away from the barrel.]
There's that. [Now, how did Maruki take it? Oda looks over to see.]
hehe flawlesses u
He looks down at his own gun, then tries to hold it out the same way Odasaku does, one-handed– ]
YAHOO
breaks his wrist, beams his own forehead with the gun--
[Odasaku puts a hand on his shoulder long before he aims.]
Hold on a second. Let me show you how to hold it properly. It'll be a while before you can shoot with one hand.
[With that, a proper demonstration. Oda aim's the gun with one hand, supporting his wrist with the other. There's a proper way to stand too.]
Plant your feet and bend your knees. It'll become second nature to move your body the right way, but not yet. Don't fire yet. Let me see how you set yourself up.
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[ He tries to laugh off his own nerves, a little embarrassed by attempting to imitate someone that much more skilled than him so early on. Odasaku is a good teacher, though – Maruki lets his body be manipulated, adjusts his stance when he's told to.
When Odasaku moves away, he's left alone to be observed, and there's a strangely hollow feeling in his head. He thought he'd be more overwhelmed finally holding a gun, but– nothing. He's a blank slate, as he was in so many classrooms throughout his academic career, attentive and quiet, ready to learn and succeed.
He plants his feet firmer, straightens out one wrist to hold the gun steadier, glances over at Odasaku. ]
Better?
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We've gone over aiming. The snow is giving you more light than you think. Put your eyes on the target and trust it.
Now go.
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Shoots.
Decidedly off-target. It hits a snow-covered pile of hay bales some feet behind the dummies. ]
Oh...
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How does your shoulder feel? Didn't look like it blew you back too hard.
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[ Truly, if he didn't have Odasaku essentially setting up his stance and grip for him, he probably would have fucked himself over completely with the recoil.
He doesn't lower the gun, still too uncomfortable to handle it that casually. ]
Should I try again?
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Aim your sight right down along the barrel, and keep your hand steady. Eventually, the gun will just feel like an extention of your arm. You'll figure out how to move with it. [Not for a while, but sooner than Maruki probably expects.]
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He nods, aims again, steadies himself with a deep breath–
And his first shot misses again, but the next one strikes the dummy off what would be its shoulder if it lived and breathed.
His head whips around to grin at Odasaku. ]
Was that good?
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That's only your third shot. With how dark it is outside, I'd say that's pretty impressive.
If you're more interested in stopping someone with your gun than killing them, you'll want to learn to aim for those non-lethal areas anyway.
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Oh, no. I won't ever kill anyone. That's something I won't budge on.
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In that case, aim for the knees or the shoulders, just like that.
Hell. Around here, you don't even have to worry about permanently injuring someone.
[With that, Oda casually lifts his gun and cleanly takes out both the dummy's would-be kneecaps.]
hehe we can wrap up i think?? :3c
A little distressing, too. He watches how Odasaku barely had to take half a second to aim for either knee. Thinks of how Akechi barely had to take half a second to aim for his neck. These things happen in the blink of an eye. If he hadn't been conscious enough to summon Azathoth–
A muted noise of distress catches in his throat, just as a reflex, and he raises his own gun again. Tries to aim for the other shoulder. It takes several seconds.
He has to get better. ]
I really do appreciate your patience in teaching me, Odasaku. Maybe we can make this a regular thing.
I'M GONNA WRAP YOU (yeah that's fine)
We might as well, when we meet to eat. I'm not sure when the sun will end up rising again, but...
[Another two shots, fired into each shoulder.]
That's all the more reason, I guess.
hehehe wraps you like a prezzie
[ What an exchange that is!
Maruki sets himself a challenge after those last two shots: To hit the same point one of Odasaku's bullets did, or as close to it as he can. He takes his sweet time aiming, fires once toward the left shoulder–
And he misses the exact target, but only by a couple inches. It still very much hits.
He gives Odasaku a satisfied smile, shadowed in the moonlight. ]
12/25 gift delivery !!
Merry Christmas, Odasaku! I bet you thought I was going to get you more curry, huh?
Thank you for everything. Let's keep supporting each other in the new year.
12/25 gift delivery!!
Letter: Merry Christmas !! - BB ]
12/25 gift delivery
There is a letter attached, written in an elegant and regal (and incredibly outdated) script.]
01/02
That's how it's always been and that's how it should be now. There's an unspoken agreement on what is and is not acceptable to touch upon. If that was somewhat intruded upon and broken down due to the difference in age and experience, then it should have slotted back into place by now.
They haven't, though. The pair of them pretend, but one can only have so many actions that they do not talk about before it becomes some unspoken agreement that it's normal behavior.
There can only be so many things that one avoids talking about before a certain sense of wrength begins to hang in the air, and gaps start to appear between conversations.
Such is the case now, at Club Quartz, a day as uneventful as ever, as Dazai quiets, poking the ice sphere in his glass. There's only the faint clinking as it hits the bottom before bouncing back up.
But finally, seeming unable to bear the silence, Dazai speaks - ]
Odasaku. There are people who are born to die. You could think of them as having been born dead. But others are born to live, with death as an inevitability. They have to die when they're still alive.
[ He lifts one hand, tilting it at the wring, just his index finger extended. As to what the point of this nonsensical statement is, well, that's as questionable as ever.
There's a definite logic behind it, hidden deep somewhere deep beneath the earth, locked up tight in some coffin - far beneath the surface where snowdrops blossom. ]
... But it's possible for people to stay alive while dying, too. If you can stay alive while dying, then the flowers will forever stay in bloom.
[ Whatever he means by that, he doesn't seem favorable to the idea. ]
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[Perhaps that's not fair, but, no, they really aren't the type to talk about their lives, the many emotions that may well torture them.
[Dazai's statement is nonsensical, as they often are, but Odasaku always finds someway in to begin following - tries, which is more than a lot of people truly do. Death would be a theme, naturally - who it's meant for, who it's not. Maybe Odasaku ascribes one to himself purely for the sake of self-indulgence, but he has to wonder what Dazai's opinion of the topic is informed by too.]
Which would you consider yourself, then?
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There's no metamorphosis. There's no moth god to cocoon them and allow them to escape it and find a better world. They cannot be reborn. But they can be preserved. They can remain in bloom for eternity.
That thought does trouble him some days, as someone who would prefer to be erased from the world completely. It would be best of all if not a single person remembered him, much less lamented. ]
I was born to die, but death eludes me at every turn... If I was born then then that would explain it, though. The Grim Reaper has forgotten that he still needs to harvest my soul.
[ He rests his head in the crook of his elbow and despite the grim subject matter, there's a childish quality to his words; it's sullen and petulant. ]
Here, to, I'm further removed from him than ever... It's too quiet here. Death has been removed from daily life altogether... You can remain alive while dying.
[ If he was speaking in metaphors before, this is a bit more literal, because death can no longer be called death when it is merely a transition from one scene to another. It's more akin to being taken prisoner. ]
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We're forever in bloom here, then? You know...
You're not the only person who sees that as a negative thing. [Does anyone truly want to live forever?
[There's something else too. They won't live forever, because they won't stay here forever. No matter what they do, or where they go, they'll lose each other again and again.
[Conversations like this just don't feel as lighthearted as they used to, childish tone or not. Odasaku thinks that bothers Dazai.]
It won't last forever though. We know that too.
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There are people who come from the worst circumstances that find this to be preferable. Dazai is not one of them. The Port Mafia is like a black sludge, one that one finds themselves weighed down by and sinking into, and Dazai a person who decided to drown himself in it. If he sinks deep enough, if he wades through enough of that sickly tar and sees everything that's been caught in it, he might find what he's looking for eventually. He'll find it, hidden in that depravity and violence - the core of humanity, that heart that eludes him.
He's been certain of that ever since the moment he experienced death for the first time. It was like nothing he'd ever seen before.
There's nothing like that here. It seems most days that Dazai is further detached from what he wants than ever. He hates it. It's suffocating. He's suffocating now. For a time he can't breathe, much less speak. ]
It won't. We've always known that.
[ In the Port Mafia, there were no guarantees save death. Odasaku, who was so full of life despite existing near death, was always a poor fit. He was someone Dazai couldn't take his eyes off of then and now, but now... It's slight, but it's there. There's this look that seems to match his own. There's that faint stench of death clinging to him. It's different, though - because Odasaku is a person who would need to die while he was still alive.
He's thought that for awhile, but he needed to confirm it - to resolve it. ]
You are a member of the Port Mafia right now, but it is a technicality, and it is temporary. No one from the Port Mafia would willingly remain here.
[ Well, no one of value anyway. Those who would abandon it do not gain rank and they do not survive. Dazai is something of an exception to that, but they're not talking about him right now. ]
So, nothing from your past will follow you here for very long. If you can endure it for awhile longer, you'll be able to live freely and as you wish.
[ They're words he's said before, but there's a different cadence to them, a little more weight. ]
cw: suicidal ideation
[He doesn't feel as though it's permanent though. He doesn't think he'll be able to live any more freely here than he would anywhere else.
[Odasaku did die while he was still alive, and he wilted anyway. What comes after this is the end. How can he pretend to hate that idea after all he did?
[He hates what Dazai's saying too. If there's one part of his past he'd like to keep, it's this friend of his, but he knows it's selfish. He knows he has no right. He knows that.]
You know...
Regardless of how this ends...freedom, if that's what comes next...
[There's a pause - a too-careful consideration of what to say next.
[Eventually, he settles on this:]
I'm glad we've had this time together.
cw: suicidal ideation
[ He sits with his legs crossed, his hands folded on his thigh, and shakes his head. ]
But that's not what I'm talking about.
[ The point of this conversation isn't to push him away. Dazai isn't that sort of selfless person, but rather one who wants to keep what he cares for as close as possible, to keep them locked up in a box, preserved exactly as they are; a person who would want anyone he loved to be as lonely without him as he would be without them. He wouldn't want that person to be capable of happiness with another person so long as he's alive.
He's a selfish person, so he doesn't want to be missed. The idea of someone loving and losing him, living for him, is far too great of a weight for him to carry. He wants to die quickly, immediately, painlessly, without inconveniencing anyone. If he could wipe all traces of his existence from this earth at the moment of his death that would be the ideal, but life isn't that convenient. Rather, the issue seems to be intensifying, in a place where it's a given that anything gained will be lost in the end, until they can change whatever system is in place. ]
You've been acting strange lately. These circumstances are far from ideal, but if you can manage until the end then you should be able to live relatively freely, but you seem discontented. Aside from the obvious, what is it that you're not satisfied with?
[ Well, probably lots of things, but it's just a roundabout way of asking why he's acting so different anyway. ]
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[But that isn't true. Things have changed.
[Odasaku is quiet a beat too long, maybe.]
I'm not suffering. [He's convinced himself of that too.]
It's not a matter of satisfaction either. [He wants more than that.]
Given everything - this place...
[No. Not just that.]
What happened. You'd think anyone might act strange. I don't mean to.
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[ Dazai is quiet for a time. His eyes drop down to his lap, his fingers curling and nails digging into his palms, because Dazai has always been too smart for his own good. He doesn't need to remember to know the sequence of events that followed. He doesn't need anyone to tell him that it's his fault.
But he can't say that now, and he doesn't know what to. If it were anyone else he might be able to find the right words, but matters of the heart have never been his strong suit, and intertwining and conflicting emotions seem to choke out any words that try to form.
This place. What happened before coming here. What's happened since coming here.
He doesn't know how to fix any of it.
After a long while, he asks, ]
... Do you still want to die?
cw: suicide
[He doesn't know how to answer. Maybe for Dazai, it's just that simple, but Odasaku doesn't feel that way. How could he possibly explain?
[He'd like not to, but for the very fact that Dazai is asking, he must. He can't deny him, of all people, this question.]
I couldn't use those terms.
[Beats of silence follow. Odasaku has taken to frowning at his lap. It's an odd expression.]
I don't think I have much of a choice.
I like it here. I'm not eager to go.
[But...]
I really shouldn't be here at all.
cw: suicide
There are countless words. There are too many, none quite right, none that promise to be free from the possibility of rejection.
Dazai nods. ]
... You don't want to die, [ He adds to the answer, voice low, ] You didn't want to die before either. "I want to die" and "I don't want to live" are two different things.
[ Dazai wants to die. His comments are treated like a joke. People hardly believe him when he says that he won't come back. He will not though, because from the moment he was born he was already dead. He was never meant to live at all.
He knows better than anyone how frightening it is, how unbearably painful it is, but nothing of what it means to have "worth." It's all just which proves to be more frightening.
If he digs into the recesses of his memories, Dazai thinks that he can remember somebody finding comfort in this sort of gesture - somebody running their had through his hair, speaking softly, but he's not sure. Much of his life has slipped through the cracks, and there's only so much that he can recall from before he found himself living in a storage container. But that's not his focus. ]
If the world were a righteous place, then people who still have stories they wish to share with others could do so and people who wish for sleep would be granted it. There's nothing so kind in any world though.
[ He takes his hand back, resting it on his lap once more. It's not a lecture, but rather a simple statement of his feelings, as it's only those around him that have assigned such great value to his life.
Dazai looks down, uncertainty coloring his features, ]
You're here now. You have people who would be saddened by your disappearance. That's all that really matters.
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[It's awkward, the clear result of someone trying to mirror something they don't necessarily understand. It's such a genuine gesture, though - must be, or else Dazai wouldn't waste a moment doing it. Odd as it is, it does bring comfort. The mere fact Dazai tries at all brings comfort. His words do. He's right. Oda didn't want to die. He just couldn't continue living.
[Dazai pulls his hand away, and Odasaku is sure that his own face has broken wide open. In reality, the pained expression is subtle, albeit present. Inside, he feels like his heart has swelled with the weight of the endless ocean. It's nauseating.]
I wasn't thinking that way. [A truth, but he fails to hook it properly into place, leaving the thought half-finished.]
Dazai...
Do you remember when you gave me those gifts? [They haven't talked much about them since. Dazai disappeared shortly after.]
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There's things that he can and will do here. This is one of them. It doesn't seem like enough though.
He nods in response. ]
Yeah.
[ It was an odd moment, as this one is, because Dazai has never tried to be this close to anyone. But... Odasaku needs someone to look out for him. He needs someone to create that life that he wants. There's no one longer anyone else that he can entrust that task to.
If Odasaku can see his novel to completion, then Dazai finds that would be proof that he was satisfied with his life. If Dazai could read that, then he thinks he could die without any regrets, knowing that everything was finished.
So he thinks about that moment often, and everything that should follow. ]
Why?
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[Despite all that...]
I still intend to write that novel. The way I see it, I can't disappear until that's done.
And I'd like to show it to you once it is.
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[ It really is unlike him to speak in this way, but Dazai does find it to be necessary. His singular goal since arriving here has been to Odasaku the life that he wants; to let him live in a world full of warmth and light. A world where he's alive and writing a novel. A world that he won't disappear from.
He always excludes himself from those possible worlds in the end.
But there is a faint pang of nostalgia now, and Dazai does think once more that he'd like to read it. He'd like to see everything finished.
He wonders how long it's been since he looked forward to something. ]
If I were to die without ever reading it, then I could be called nothing but a fool. I've never once been disappointed by what you've shared with me.
extremely gay passage thank you
[After that, he straightens up, turning slightly in his seat to fully face Dazai.]
We're both here until that novel is written. I won't half-ass it.
[He'll write it just the way it's meant to be written. He will, he just...needs to keep trying.]
Maybe we'll find a place or two like this along the way. That sounded nice too.
[A quiet few beats. His fingers continue to tap on the bar.]
It isn't the same. I know that too. Still. I'm glad.
the closet is glass
[ Nothing is the same. The truth is, Dazai really does hate being here. He was meant to constantly be close to death, and he was meant to make plans that he would see through to fruition. He was meant for anything but this peaceful yet chaotic life.
Dazai traces his finger along the rim of the glass. ]
... Odasaku. Do you really believe that I bear no responsibility for what happened to you?
[ It seems unrelated, but it's not, because everything stems from a singular moment. It's all due to a preventable tragedy. It's a sore point for him, too, something that he's kept locked up tight, and even now takes care in how he approaches.
It's not really asking if Odasaku blames him. It's something else, some nagging feeling that always accompanies these conversations, something that leads him to search the other's face for any sign of disapproval now. It's something else. It's that awareness that everything is different and everything has broken, and some instinctive fear that what they're talking about will never come, and it's...
Dazai doesn't know what he would do if Odasaku were to start to hate him. ]
BABY BOY!!!
[No. He doesn't blame Dazai at all. He hates himself too much to see anything else.]
No. It wasn't your fault.
[This Dazai wasn't there. How much did that Dazai blame himself?]
Those are my mistakes. That's why...
[He doesn't finish the thought, or maybe it's only meant to be a statement.]
THIS THREAD WAS A MISTAKE
It's enough, it should be enough, but - ]
It's not your fault, Odasaku. Nothing that happened is your fault.
[ It's sharp and immediate, more emotional than he would have thought himself capable of, and he has to take a breath and force himself to release his grip on his glass. He shakes his head, as though to dispel whatever might have possessed him, and Dazai himself can't possibly understand what it is fueling it.
He's calmer as he continues, quieter, more what one would expect of the Port Mafia's youngest executive, ]
It was a conflict between the Port Mafia, Mimic, and various government agencies. You are undeniably one of ours, [ When it's convenient, ] And an invaluable skill user, [ Because it's convenient, ] But you play no role in any conflicts we engage in. It's everyone else who failed you.
[ Dazai has to be careful with his words now, because to fail at that is to invite further strife. But even if he removes himself from the equation, those in leadership had undeniably failed Odasaku. He may have been the lowest ranking member, but he was one of their own, and he was an invaluable skill user. There were countless reasons not to sacrifice him. If Mori had only confided in him, Dazai could have thought of countless ways to deal with Mimic without ever involving him.
He cups his glass with both hands, staring down at it. ]
... If they were your mistakes, then they were mine too.
[ Because Dazai knew Mori better than anyone. He knew Ango. His intellect and strategic skill far exceed any of them, and he had all the information in the world at his fingertips as the Boss' right hand man. He had all of that, and so he had decided to take it upon himself to decide what the best course of action was; how to care for his one and only friend.
He had decided to put the orphans in that building. Dazai had been confident in it. But he can't remember. There's so much that he's missing. He only has the afterglow of the next twenty-four hours and four years.
Dazai's smile returns as he looks back up, as though it had never left, ]
All you did was trust the people around you... Right? You just lived the way that a person should.
god how dare you make me think about odango
[Because Ango Sakaguchi was his friend. They met and drank together. They talked about nothing. They took photographs. They were, all three of them, content with each other's company.
[Odasaku doesn't make friends easily. Dazai made it his mission to gather only eight, and Odasaku still hasn't accomplished it. Ango was a massive loss, an unthinkable betrayal. It still pierces Odasaku, wedges itself in his gut and twists. He's quiet too long.
[And Dazai, gripping his glass, struggling to smile as he normally does - that pierces Odasaku too.
["You just lived the way that a person should." Isn't it true that people should be able to trust the ones they care about, the ones that fight on the same side? It's something he still struggles to understand. He can blame himself all day for being foolish enough to fall for it - and he will, he always will - but can he really say that Dazai is wrong?
[No. He can't. And so, he doesn't know what to say at all. He grips his glass a little tighter too, brows pinched. It's a pained expression.
[At last, his voice comes, quiet.]
I couldn't protect them. I promised I would, and I couldn't.
stop i didn't want to think about it either
[ Dazai purses his lips. He offers no platitudes, no words of comfort, because none of that matters. He's been fed hundreds of lines himself, so he knows how little any of it means.
Nihil admirari—help the man mentioned above without hesitation in the face of any and all trials.
Those are the words that were written of the silver oracle, which was had proven to nothing more than a useless scrap of paper within their organization. Dazai had failed to protect him.
No words of comfort come to mind, nothing that will magically heal the deep wound that's been inflicted upon the other's hearts, and so he settles for what words do, ]
No one can escape the night, Odasaku, not even you... Not even I could escape it.
[ Dazai can work within it, and he could become the night itself if so inclined, but there is no escaping it once its set its sight upon you. He forces his posture to relax, placing a hand on Odasaku's arm. ]
You are also a weak person who is in need of protection.
[ They're not meant to be words of comfort. He doesn't have anything that could pass for that. It's only what he can say. Odasaku is also a weak person. That is why Dazai had wanted to protect him too. If he could have removed the other altogether much sooner, he would have. ]
IDK IF U WANNA WRAP UP HERE?? OR??? LMK?!??!?!
[Dazai speaks again.
["You are also a weak person in need of protection."
[Odasaku's expression rarely changes. He's long been told that others find it impossible to tell what he's thinking, because how could they? He's a stone.
[The stone cracks - surprise, confusion, or something worse, buried so deeply inside that he'd forgotten entirely what it feels like to have it pulled to the surface. It's young. It's raw, somehow, despite the denial that still rages against it, the impulse to disagree.
[Rarely has Odasaku been afforded the luxury of feeling weak.
[Protection? Who has ever taken the time to protect Odasaku? He's Japan's most deadly assassin, feared by name alone, a member of the Port Mafia, low-ranking as he may be, but...
[Osamu Dazai is his friend. Every night, they talk for hours; Odasaku isn't lonely. Every morning, they make each other coffee; Odasaku can stay upright. They share, they strategize. They raced carousel animals and talked of dragons. They met at fifteen with no memory of each other, and still walked hand in hand. Dazai handed him the tools to write the book he's always dreamed of.
[He pushed Odasaku away. Magic trapped everyone in bubbles, planted images in their minds, made them feel calm, angry, in love. Dazai wouldn't accept it. He pushed him away, and...
[That was protection too.
[When everyone in the world turned against Odasaku, Dazai tried to save him.
[He couldn't protect him, just the same way that Odasaku couldn't protect the children. They both understand something terrible, even as they are now, don't they?
[Who cares about a goddamn kiss? Odasaku realizes for the first time in his life that someone loves him.
[And he can't stop staring, looking more human then ever, that terrible, ever-rising well of emotion within him threatening to swallow him completely. He sets down his glass, and it clinks too loudly. Has the club gone quiet, or are his ears just ringing?]
Dazai...
[Osamu Dazai...
[At last, Odasaku's eyes fall away, brow frowning over them. He nods his head, though it just barely moves.
[What else can he say, really, but:]
Yeah. [Yeah.]
Thanks...Dazai.
I WE CAN WRAP UP just this one last lil thing
Loving him is as much an instinct and a chose as the act of breathing. It comes to him without thought, without any recognition or any need to acknowledge it, much less attribute a word to it, if he would choose not to then it would surely kill him. He could lose him, but never give him up, and he knows in his heart that even the worst world for him would be the only worth living in so long as he could save him. He's what makes this world worth living in.
Dazai's shoulders sink, and a tension that he hadn't realized he was holding eases from his muscles. His expression softens in turn, a soft smile gracing his face. ]
... Should we toast tonight too?
[ Dazai lifts his glass, just the same as always. ]
To the stray dogs.
SICKENING. OH JUST SICKENING.
["Should we toast tonight too?" More so than ever, they should toast tonight, Odasaku thinks.
[That third seat will always remain empty. Even if Ango Sakaguchi walked through the door right now, what the three of them had can never be the same again. There's grief to that. Of course there is.
[But, for as much as Odasaku and Dazai may have changed, that bond they crafted together in Bar Lupin never will. Odasaku truly believes that.
[And he lifts his glass.]
To the stray dogs. [If that still means Ango, too, in whatever small way that it can...
[Odasaku can accept that.]
text un: akechi after curry @ 2 AM
What time is it?
text; un: odasaku
[And then it's 8:00am, and he checks his phone again.]
You figured it out. That one stumped me for a while too the first time I heard it.
Did that curry keep you up last night?
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It was an interesting riddle. It seemed simple on the surface, but the more I thought about it, the more complicated the potential answer became.
But in the end - it all came down to the response I sent. I'm happy to hear that was correct.
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You should give me one in return. They're fun to try and wrap your head around.
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I don't know many riddles, however I'm fascinated with philosophy and the moral dilemmas they propose. Are you willing to answer one of those?
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They die in an instant.
At the exact moment of their death, lightning strikes an area nearly a world away.
The person is completely recreated - down to the last molecule of their being. This copy has all the memories, desires, goals and beliefs of the original.
Is this person a new entity or the original?
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It feels a little more serious talking about a human life. There's the soul to account for, if you believe in that sort of thing.
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For the purposes of the thought experiment-
Consider the soul real. Do you think such a thing could ever truly be copied?
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If a soul weighs something, then it must exist beyond our bodies. If it leaves, then maybe our world doesn't end the moment we take our last breath. It's a very human thing to think about. Fear, curiosity -
Though shunning it in a world like this, where the dead rise on a whim - perhaps there's more credence to the theory than previously thought.
But it's what you think - there's no right or wrong answer to these questions.
Do you find that copy to be human or not?
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Seems the question has changed though. Are they still human?
[What makes a human? Their bodies? Their thoughts? Their feelings? Their experiences? Their memories?
[Could the new man still feel things, create new memories for himself?
[Oda is a man remade. This body isn't the body he died in. Is he still human? Is he still Oda Sakunosuke?]
I think so.
At least in some way, they'd have to still be the same person too. Even if it's just for a little while.
What do you think?
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[Odasaku, a man who essentially lived through this hypothetical scenario - he wants to know the answer. Someone brought from death's door and put into another world. Strikes of lightning in the form of a contract.]
I get a little impatient sometimes. To your answer 'I think so' and 'For a little while' - I don't disagree. It's a valid perspective and one most would take.
What makes a human a human? What makes someone, themself? What makes a soul a person's own and if it can be copied, is it worth anything at all?
To be frank, I don't know. We went through an experience in this world where those living here were given alternate lives, distorted memories and a reality that was their own - they all had the same name, Akechi Goro. Maruki Takuto.
But none were 'me' and none were 'Maruki.' If I met with any of them, I would see them as false. I'm sure they would look upon me the same way.
Let me propose another question-
If you were to meet that self in your reality - the Odasaku that exists in this world against the one that may still live in your true world, would you see them both as real?
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[Oda doesn't mind that though. He's enjoying it too.]
I'd still consider both of us to be real.
Even so, I did say both of "us" instead of both of "me". I'd seem us as different people.
The same thing could be said merely going through the stages of my life, though. My life at fifteen was entirely different from my life at twenty-three.
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In that sense-
You could almost say we're 'recreated' after every major life experience. That growth and knowledge is a catalyst to become someone 'new' - not just in a symbolic way, but in reality as well.
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The person whose molecules got put back together will go on to have new experiences and create its own memories regardless. We all do that anyway. So, maybe it doesn't have much to do with souls at all.
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We'll never know, of course.
You did give me a new way to see this problem and open my mind to potential solutions that could exist. I'll have to think back on similar scenarios and come at them from this new angle.
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Would you mind if I messaged you again with another one sometime soon? I would appreciate your view and I have many hypothetical scenarios of a similar nature thanks to a book I found awhile ago.
hehe u can wrap up if u wanna
Sure. I'd like that.
Text me any time.
02/14 - this is going to be so stupid i'm sorry
Normally he wouldn't pay much mind to the day, but today is different.
Today is different, because it's also the day when he drops a large paper shopping bag down in front of Odasaku without a word.
He doesn't offer any indication as to what's in it, why he's showing it off, or anything else, but he sure does seem pleased about something. ]
concerning--
What's this?
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Hm? Didn't you know? It's Valentine's Day, Odasaku, and I'm the sort of sinful man who winds up with more chocolate than I can carry by just walking around on a day like today.
[ He sure does seem smug about this for... some reason. Does he even care? Probably not. Definitely not. Is there a reason that he's doing this? Maybe. Probably. Who knows.
Anyway, he's happily pulling out what looks like half of a store's candy aisle, along with a mug, heart-shaped cookies, and a couple other things. ]
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[He's not shocked, necessarily, but even in a place like this?
[Oda picks up a heart-shaped cookie and inspects it.]
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Yep. I had to turn them down though.
[ He's pawing through everything, picking them up and setting them down, stacking them up, all while mumbling some questions to himself about where he put something. ]
But it wasn't a complete wash. Chocolate goes well with whiskey, and while I was lugging them around and having an increasing amount piled on, I saw an interesting candy on display at one of the stores.
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What was it?
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[ He starts to pull the item in question out of the box, holding it up with both hands as though it were the greatest thing he's ever presented.
And this amazing item is...
...
It's just another box of chocolates. There's nothing interesting about it whatsoever. In fact, it's fairly plain. ]
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What caught your eye about it?
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[ He looks down on it, then flips it onto it's side and pops the lid off and placing it under the box itself. ]
Have you heard chili pepper chocolate? They add in cayenne pepper and red pepper flakes, so it gives the normally sweet chocolate a dash of spice. It wasn't to my taste, but I thought you would appreciate that more than the traditional milk chocolate.
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[He can sort of smell it now that the box has been opened. He's immediately fascinated, of course. Dazai must have known that would happen. He bought these with Odasaku in mind.
[Odasaku's not sure what to do with that.
[He looks up from the box, blue eyes on Dazai.]
You got these for me?
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[ Well... It's a little more than that.
Odasaku is better liked, but Dazai is the one who tends to draw attention. In turn, Dazai offers his full attention to Odasaku.
He plucks one out of the box and holds it in front of Odasaku. ]
Here. Try one.
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[He'd really meant that kiss. It wasn't the magic. He doesn't dwell on it. It doesn't keep him awake at night. He just really meant that kiss.
[He never would have expected something like this. He should have gotten Dazai something too. They can open an old bottle of whiskey...
[He takes the chocolate and puts it in his mouth, eyes briefly closing, as if that should help him better enjoy the flavor. It's good. It's extremely good, but even if it were terrible, he'd still want to smile.
[And he's pretty sure he's smiling. Actually smiling. His eyes are open again. Dazai is right there next to him.]
I love it.
[How to put this next part...]
I'm glad it came from you.
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It's rare to see Odasaku look so genuinely happy. It makes it worth it to have tracked down something to his taste. Dazai's expression softens in response, the vibrant energy giving way to something more gentle, more thoughtful.
He's glad it came from Dazai, huh...? ]
I do have a more discerning palate than most.
[ That's not what he meant. ]
We're friends, right? So... [ A beat. He should be more clear. ] I wanted to get something for you.
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You're my favorite person.
[Odasaku is genuinely happy right now. He tries to hold onto moments like that for as long as he can. Dazai seems content too.]
Do you have plans?
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There's no one that he cares for more than Odasaku. There's no one else who Dazai wants to care for him, or rather, whose care actually matters. ]
Not really, [ He says with the shake of the head. ] You didn't mention having any plans either, so I thought it might be the usual night. I don't need anything more than that.
lmk if u wanna wrap or keep goin!? ough!!
text; un: thoreau
I haven't seen you around Quartz. You feeling okay?
text; un: odasaku
Hey, Charlie-kun.
I've been a little under the weather. I'm working on it.
How are you doing? This has to be the first time you've seen things go strange around here.
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I've been better.
[ He also hasn't been to Quartz in a week. He's barely left the cottage, too miserably sick to even think of it. ]
How are you working on it?
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You want to take a stab at it?
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[He's had a couple of key conversations by now.]
I can't claim to understand it, but from what I can tell, anything you're holding in could be keeping you sick. That might not necessarily mean a secret. Just something you don't like to talk about much.
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So... ]
Has it been working for you?
Talking about things you don't like to talk about.
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From what I've noticed, the symptoms come and go. After talking, I feel better for a while.
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You don't seem like a guy who spills secrets to anyone, but if I tell you something, you'll keep it between us, right?
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My wish was to see my dead friend again.
And he's here, but turns out it's not so easy to deal with. Figured I'd just be happy to have him back and that'd be that. Shit's always more complicated than it seems, I guess.
this is the tag that nerfed me earlier
How have you been feeling instead?
[It's nothing he'd normally ask. Normally, he wouldn't ask at all. But these aren't normal circumstances. Death hangs over Visium and Lumindeas. And Charlie's just a boy.]
good i hope it nerfs you again
He hates to admit it. Guess that means it's something he should be talking about, huh? ]
Scared.
[beegun]
You're afraid you'll lose him again?
[Wait.]
I shouldn't be putting words in your mouth. You won't get better that way.
Just keep talking.
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People sure are quick to tell you nothing good here lasts.
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There are a lot of good things about this place too, though. I think so, anyway.
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I like it better than where I came from. People don't really wanna hear that.
not a pan typo...
Here, I'm trying to change that.
[He says this, not only because he himself needs to tell the truth in order to stay healthy, but because it may invite Charlie to express himself too, assuming he feels the same way - and it is, in complete fairness, only an assumption.]
i didn't eben notice.........
I probably gave you the wrong impression when I talked about that. It's new to me too. The times I did what I wanted, it wasn't anything major.
Here, you can do what you want with your whole life. Not just a few seconds of it. Pretty neat.
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I was in school. Pretty strict and prestigious. My father wanted me to become a banker like him, so I was supposed to go to a top college. Study finance. Get married. Have kids. Raise them to be bankers. Carry on the legacy, or something.
I wasn't interested in all that. So it's better I'm here.
[ Plus, Neil. ]
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[Being in the mafia is actually also a lot more interesting than banking, but sure.]
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[He knows Dazai doesn't see it that way. He knows Dazai probably wouldn't want him to see it that way. There were things about the Port Mafia that were important, that Oda still cherishes - Dazai, of course, being one of them - but...
[All he wanted was a room by the ocean to write in. He has that now, and more too. If he weren't under yet another contract, maybe he'd finally feel that simple freedom he's always longed for, but...
[It's felt a little better, at least. That could be an illusion. It's not as though he hasn't had to fight here too. He could simply be destined to remain trapped, no matter where he turns..
[But it's felt a little better, at least.]
It was a hard life to break away from once you were in it. I spent a lot of time doing work like that. There's a little more time to do what I want to now.
[Which, with petals fluttering in his lungs:]
I haven't done much with that either. Something holds me back.
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It's more than that. Something I haven't figured out yet.
I've wanted more. If you asked me of what, I wouldn't know what to say.
Have you ever felt like that?
god if only oda and neil could have cr
I wrote a poem about that once. I got my sax back, so once I can breathe I'll read it to you if you want.
Dunno if it'll help but it can't hurt.
hehe...we can move toward a lil wrap if u wanna
How are you breathing now? Did we make any difference?
sobs good guy oda!!!!
I really owe you one when we're better.
HE IS GOOD GUY!!!
I'll see you around, Charlie-san.
invitation - no need to respond!
One gets the impression that if you go against his wishes to bring something anyway, it might stress him out...
When the mingle log goes up on the 22nd, please feel free to come tag around! ]
TDM prompt; scavenger hunt paper slips!
The thing is, he has someone in mind fairly readily when he does look at it, but it does feel awkward, like it's something he ought to keep to himself. Even so, he can't quite resist that compulsion urging him to hand the paper over, so eventually he does ... go searching.
That, apparently, is the easy part. Once he's face to face with the man in question? He considers turning around and walking away again. This is it, this is the thing that's going to actually kill him a second time. Not the cursed flower coughing disease with the secrets but needing to express an actual genuine emotion honestly. Gross.
He makes and pulls away from eye contact for a second time before he fishes out the slip and somewhat roughly shoves it in the older man's hand, without even a proper hello.
Someone you're glad you met here.]
cries...cutie...
[Oda looks up. He's surprised, but...it's a sweet sentiment. Perhaps he hadn't realized that he'd left such an impression.]
I feel the same, Aragaki-kun. Thanks.
they're wholesome;;
Yeah. Uh. ...
[...]
So. You uh, doin' any of these games at all?
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[They're both glad they met, so, they can just stand and talk a while.]
A few.
[Oda lights up a cigarette. As he has before, he offers one to Shinjiro before pocketing the pack again.]
I can't tell whether or not it's the magic, [He just assumes that magic is involved in most things, at this point.] but I've been eager to compete. I'm usually not the type.
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You think it's magic?
[...Huh. He has been surprisingly motivated to complete all the tasks, he supposes. Even the kind he normally wouldn't like, like these surveys and slips, or the compliment wars, or such.]
...I've got a competitive streak, honestly, so I didn't really notice. Least it's not too obnoxious, as far as things this place pushes us into go.
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What team did they end up sticking you on?
[He's glancing around for one of those bandanas. He has a yellow one, folded up and poking out of his jacket pocket.]
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[A casual shrug.]
Blue, for me.
[His own bandana is tied loosely at his elbow, below the red SEES armband he's always wearing.]
Wonder how they pick 'em. Or if it's all just random.
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[He hums thoughtfully, considering.]
Who else is in yellow? Could give us a clue. Doc Maruki's in blue too, though I don't really know most of the others. If there's a common thread, he could probably find it way before me, though.
[He simply knows So Much about the people around here.]
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[Maruki, Shinjiro, team blue. Odasaku searches for similarities, but comes up short. Really, to him, it seems the two individuals in question couldn't be more different.
[That is, unless they share similar abilities, or have abilities which compliment each other. Oda isn't one to pry about that sort of thing without invitation, so he doesn't bother mentioning it.
[Instead:]
What would you say you two have in common? Anything at all?
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We both like cooking, I guess.
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[That doesn't exactly seem like a basis for creating a sports team, but Oda supposes they don't have to rule it out completely.]
Maybe...
[He holds up a finger.]
The blue team is full of creatives and innovators. I'd say that describes most cooks.
[He's cracked the
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"Innovator" might be a bit of a stretch for me, but ... yeah, guess you can call cooking a creative hobby, more or less.
[Even so--]
You cook too, though, don't you?
[He remembers Oda sponsoring that curry contest, months back -- but as the judge, the man wouldn't have had his own entry, he supposes. Maybe he just assumed...?]
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[Shinjiro didn't call it a passion either, but that's neither here nor there.]
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Shinjiro doesn't dispute it, but it's a strangely foreign notion, like a sweater that's one size too small.]
Guess I just kind of assumed it was a hobby for you, too, what with the contest and all.
[He shrugs a shoulder.]
You got anything you would call a passion, then?
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[He's nothing if not honest.]
Call that a passion if you want. I start to feel wrong if I haven't had any in a while.
[Anyway.]
Aside from that, I enjoy writing. [Still a little weird to admit so readily, but he's trying to embrace it a little more, now that he's actually doing it.]
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...Good a reason as any, I guess.
[The comment about writing draws a softly amused huff from him, though he doesn't quite smile.]
Heh, almost sounds like you belong in blue more than me, then. What do you like to write about?
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People. Human beings.
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He debates backing off, but then, maybe having the door closed in his face is not what Oda wants, either. Shinjiro goes for opening it a crack wider, gently enough that it can still be shut if it's uncomfortable.]
Would you tell me about some of 'em? The people you write about, I mean.
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[The question does nothing to offend him, and the answer isn't a lie...]
I'd like to write about all sorts of people. Real and otherwise.
[...but he does have a subject currently, and he does avoid mentioning it on purpose.
[When it comes to his kids, his writing will have to speak for itself. Without roots growing in his lungs, he still can't bear to talk about them. He thinks he might never be able to bear it.
[So, instead, this:]
Honestly, it's hard to narrow it all down. I meet interesting people all the time.
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Makes sense. They're the kinda subject you'll never run out of.
[He doesn't ask to read them, sometime. Has a feeling they're not meant for others' eyes. He shifts gears.]
How long've you been doin' it?
[It seems a safer question.]
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Not long. Really...
Only since I arrived here.
[He'd tried before, pressed the proverbial quill down against the metaphorical paper, but there's been no true progress until now. He still hasn't tried writing that ending. He's not sure that's what he needs anymore.]
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Almost five months in, and Shinjiro finds he doesn't quite mind being able to relax in moments like these. Allowing himself to set aside the things that weigh him down and come up for air for a few breaths.]
Gotta find somethin' to fill the time in between all the crap this place throws at us. 'Specially if the big social gatherings ain't it.
[Maybe he's wrong, but he gets the impression Oda isn't the sort that's suited to them any more than he is.]
I messed up my cigarette continuity...
You're right. We all have to find a way to live here day to day, just like we would anywhere else. It's good to have something to do.
[And thus, the natural next question.]
So. What do you do for fun?
oh nooo ... we can assume he lit a new one
He's quiet a moment, caught up in his thoughts, before the question catches up to him properly.]
...Cook, mostly.
[He almost sounds a little sheepish to bring it up again, but it really is ... his only significant hobby ........]
Sometimes explore the areas around Stellari a little, I guess.
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You ever check out any of those quests? Stellari's nice, but it's definitely more expensive than Somnius.
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[At living, he means. He's still struggling with it, honestly. But having met people like Oda, like Laserhawk ... it's helped, somewhat. Even if he can't verbalize it well without getting uncomfortable, he really did mean that slip.]
we can probably wrap up here hehe
Glad to hear that's changed, Aragaki-kun.