[ Today he does. Dazai is like that. He's like a burnt black cat, acting in strange ways that no one can quite understand. Today he likes this better, because it means he can face Odasaku directly, he can watch for those subtle shifts in expression and body language. ]
It is. Eight-hundred, eighty, eight.
[ Though he doesn't remember why he made that decision. It seemed important at the time, in that same way that other fleeting thoughts and emotion come and go. Still, four years is a long time, and it didn't occur to him until now how much has changed in just three months; more than in the two years that Dazai knew him. It's like suddenly seeing someone in different lighting, the way their features stand out, the colors they wear, how much older they've gotten.
Dazai is exactly the same as when he came here, and that is why he can sync up so easily with thoughts and emotions that sometimes seem out of place. Four years changed him, but not enough. He still makes the same "jokes" that he wants to die, he still wanted to die, but Odasaku doesn't humor him in the same way anymore.He's not blind or deaf, and least of all dumb, so he can tell when it's bothering him; isn't sure what to do with that.
Dazai can only be who he is, and people who are unable to accept it inevitably remove themselves from his life. So, he's the same as ever. His heart is ever the same, unwavering, and their friendship seems like the one consistent thing; but it bothers him to have his disappearance noted, and it bothers him that there's no longer anyone who will humor and brush off how close he is to death at any given time.
If he was being boiled, then this might be like suddenly been tossed from a pot to a bowl of ice water.
But he just chuckles, shaking his head a little, because he can appreciate their negotiations. ]
You seem happy... You really were tired of being treated like an errand boy, huh?
[ "Happy" is the word he chooses, though it's not quite accurate. But better. More normal. ]
I've thought about leaving, but I'm just sick of seeing Chuuya's face,
[ He wrinkles his nose, as though he'd just tasted something unpleasant, ]
And Mori-san lied about giving me a medicine that would give me a painless death.
[Things do feel different now. Odasaku can't truly imagine how unmoored Dazai must feel, given everything - how unmoored anyone would feel, anyway. Dazai always projects that he knows exactly what he's doing.
[It's gotten difficult to talk flippantly about something like taking one's own life, now that Odasaku knows how it truly feels.
[And he isn't sure how to navigate what's changed, what he's learned, who Dazai became, and who he is now, how that differs from the Dazai Oda once knew.
[They're all Dazai. He's grateful.
[Something he says catches Oda's attention, though. He watches Dazai for a moment, quiet.]
Before you left the first time, you wanted to stay. Do you remember that?
[Traveling this world, however big it may be, and finding hole-in-the-wall bars to drink in. Maybe this Dazai doesn't want that anymore. Odasaku shouldn't have assumed.]
[ Maybe if he could understand that sentiment better, it would be easier. Dazai always wants to die though. He's always just pushing the day of his death back, because he's too smart, because instincts kick in, because he finds some reason; often, that reason has been as simple as having a place to go back to. He'd think of something he wanted to share, or become aware that it'd be one of the usual nights, or any other number of things. That "you're a fool if you don't go there" place.
Dazai can't though. He can only understand how others respond to it, and just that such a reaction is more bothering coming from some than others. ]
I do. I'll stand by that decision. Even if I were to leave now, it wouldn't be going back to being the eighteen-year-old Port Mafia executive. It would be a twenty-two year old detective.
The stars don't disappear because the sun shines brighter than them and the lights of the city dim them, nor because clouds block our view of them. My story has been told, whether or not I have the memories of it. If I decided that I do not want to go back, then I do not want to.
[ That's not to say that he would rethink it if not for that fact, but that he had no desire to is telling. There's only so much that changes. Dazai was still empty. If he thinks he found the world to be more pleasant, he still had no real reason to live. He was still happier here than there.
Those are the sentiments that he remembers. Dazai sees no need to doubt it. It's already too late for anything to change, and he doesn't even know what it would be. He has an idea, as he always does, but it's not something he's willing to commit his full attention to just yet.
In any event, this is nothing more than a memory.
Besides, he's enjoyed their time together here. If he were more in tune with his emotions perhaps that's what would come to mind, but as it is, he settles for what he does. ]
I'm going to stay as long as you do, Odasaku... But I've never thought of the Port Mafia as a ball and chain.
[ But he was an Executive, so maybe that's only natural. This isn't "freedom," because he's not really trapped here either; he can die anytime. It's just an extension of living. It's not really meant as a judgment, just a comment. He's no more attached to it than anything, able to come and go as he pleases. ]
[Odasaku never lived a life where he didn't feel chained by something. Even here, he's chained by something. He's not sure what it is this time. The chain tugs when Dazai points it out. There must be something that chains Dazai too. Ango was chained.
[They were all friends for a reason. Is that it?
[Something else bothers him more. He watches his friend. Knowing Dazai at twenty-two didn't tell Odasaku anything about a future that he would have to live. Dazai knows his own future intimately now. How must that feel? Odasaku can't imagine...
[Regardless, though, despite how baffling it all is...]
[ Dazai is undeniably brilliant. He's like a thousand-year old sage. His plans are perfect. His read on people is perfect. He knows more about them than they do themselves most days. That's why nothing surprises him and nothing interests him for very long, and he's never tethered himself to anything in earnest.
But he's an eighteen-year-old boy too, one capable of all those feelings that someone his age can experience. Right now is the same as always, where he's not certain what to do with what Odasaku says to him. ]
That's right. Reality is reality. This world is as real as any other, and the people in it are just as real too. What people do here and now matters.
[ That's the conclusion he comes to after. It might seem like a shift in the narrative, but it's his own way of accepting those words.
His back is starting to hurt from sitting like this, and he stretches out before leaning back against the armrest once more and resting his hands on his thighs. ]
I don't know how long I can handle living in this town, but somewhere else will be fine. There are better places out there.
[ He can't stay like this forever, but he can't stay here either; if he starts to feel like a dog on a leash and collar, he wants to chew through it and rip off the arm that's holding it Still, his feelings haven't changed. Dazai has no desire to go back by himself. ]
[Odasaku doesn't mind the shift. It's the same point he was getting at. Dazai's life is still a life that will progress forward in a way he can't predict. When Odasaku died, he told Dazai that he'd always be empty. That doesn't mean he doesn't want his friend near.]
It's definitely an interesting place. You might not experience what you mentioned earlier anywhere else.
[ He watches for a moment more. There's conflicted feelings swirling around, ones that he doesn't know what to deal with, and none of which he has any reference for. But he sets it aside for now, instead finally sitting up properly so he can scoot over next to Odasaku and look to him. ]
[That seems to be that, then. Odasaku's smiles rarely show on his face, but he feels one. He's fond. He bumps Dazai's shoulder with his and gets up to go make more coffee. Maybe Dazai will follow if he isn't too distracted by his phone. Odasaku will make him some regardless.]
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cw: death talk
It is. Eight-hundred, eighty, eight.
[ Though he doesn't remember why he made that decision. It seemed important at the time, in that same way that other fleeting thoughts and emotion come and go. Still, four years is a long time, and it didn't occur to him until now how much has changed in just three months; more than in the two years that Dazai knew him. It's like suddenly seeing someone in different lighting, the way their features stand out, the colors they wear, how much older they've gotten.
Dazai is exactly the same as when he came here, and that is why he can sync up so easily with thoughts and emotions that sometimes seem out of place. Four years changed him, but not enough. He still makes the same "jokes" that he wants to die, he still wanted to die, but Odasaku doesn't humor him in the same way anymore.He's not blind or deaf, and least of all dumb, so he can tell when it's bothering him; isn't sure what to do with that.
Dazai can only be who he is, and people who are unable to accept it inevitably remove themselves from his life. So, he's the same as ever. His heart is ever the same, unwavering, and their friendship seems like the one consistent thing; but it bothers him to have his disappearance noted, and it bothers him that there's no longer anyone who will humor and brush off how close he is to death at any given time.
If he was being boiled, then this might be like suddenly been tossed from a pot to a bowl of ice water.
But he just chuckles, shaking his head a little, because he can appreciate their negotiations. ]
You seem happy... You really were tired of being treated like an errand boy, huh?
[ "Happy" is the word he chooses, though it's not quite accurate. But better. More normal. ]
I've thought about leaving, but I'm just sick of seeing Chuuya's face,
[ He wrinkles his nose, as though he'd just tasted something unpleasant, ]
And Mori-san lied about giving me a medicine that would give me a painless death.
:( cw: suicide talk
[It's gotten difficult to talk flippantly about something like taking one's own life, now that Odasaku knows how it truly feels.
[And he isn't sure how to navigate what's changed, what he's learned, who Dazai became, and who he is now, how that differs from the Dazai Oda once knew.
[They're all Dazai. He's grateful.
[Something he says catches Oda's attention, though. He watches Dazai for a moment, quiet.]
Before you left the first time, you wanted to stay. Do you remember that?
[Traveling this world, however big it may be, and finding hole-in-the-wall bars to drink in. Maybe this Dazai doesn't want that anymore. Odasaku shouldn't have assumed.]
cw: suicide talk
Dazai can't though. He can only understand how others respond to it, and just that such a reaction is more bothering coming from some than others. ]
I do. I'll stand by that decision. Even if I were to leave now, it wouldn't be going back to being the eighteen-year-old Port Mafia executive. It would be a twenty-two year old detective.
The stars don't disappear because the sun shines brighter than them and the lights of the city dim them, nor because clouds block our view of them. My story has been told, whether or not I have the memories of it. If I decided that I do not want to go back, then I do not want to.
[ That's not to say that he would rethink it if not for that fact, but that he had no desire to is telling. There's only so much that changes. Dazai was still empty. If he thinks he found the world to be more pleasant, he still had no real reason to live. He was still happier here than there.
Those are the sentiments that he remembers. Dazai sees no need to doubt it. It's already too late for anything to change, and he doesn't even know what it would be. He has an idea, as he always does, but it's not something he's willing to commit his full attention to just yet.
In any event, this is nothing more than a memory.
Besides, he's enjoyed their time together here. If he were more in tune with his emotions perhaps that's what would come to mind, but as it is, he settles for what he does. ]
I'm going to stay as long as you do, Odasaku... But I've never thought of the Port Mafia as a ball and chain.
[ But he was an Executive, so maybe that's only natural. This isn't "freedom," because he's not really trapped here either; he can die anytime. It's just an extension of living. It's not really meant as a judgment, just a comment. He's no more attached to it than anything, able to come and go as he pleases. ]
no subject
[They were all friends for a reason. Is that it?
[Something else bothers him more. He watches his friend. Knowing Dazai at twenty-two didn't tell Odasaku anything about a future that he would have to live. Dazai knows his own future intimately now. How must that feel? Odasaku can't imagine...
[Regardless, though, despite how baffling it all is...]
How you feel now matters too.
You aren't a memory. You're right here.
no subject
[ Dazai is undeniably brilliant. He's like a thousand-year old sage. His plans are perfect. His read on people is perfect. He knows more about them than they do themselves most days. That's why nothing surprises him and nothing interests him for very long, and he's never tethered himself to anything in earnest.
But he's an eighteen-year-old boy too, one capable of all those feelings that someone his age can experience. Right now is the same as always, where he's not certain what to do with what Odasaku says to him. ]
That's right. Reality is reality. This world is as real as any other, and the people in it are just as real too. What people do here and now matters.
[ That's the conclusion he comes to after. It might seem like a shift in the narrative, but it's his own way of accepting those words.
His back is starting to hurt from sitting like this, and he stretches out before leaning back against the armrest once more and resting his hands on his thighs. ]
I don't know how long I can handle living in this town, but somewhere else will be fine. There are better places out there.
[ He can't stay like this forever, but he can't stay here either; if he starts to feel like a dog on a leash and collar, he wants to chew through it and rip off the arm that's holding it Still, his feelings haven't changed. Dazai has no desire to go back by himself. ]
no subject
It's definitely an interesting place. You might not experience what you mentioned earlier anywhere else.
Still, I'd like to see what's out there too.
So, we'll see it. That's what we decided.
i was going to wrap but maybe just a lil more
[ He watches for a moment more. There's conflicted feelings swirling around, ones that he doesn't know what to deal with, and none of which he has any reference for. But he sets it aside for now, instead finally sitting up properly so he can scoot over next to Odasaku and look to him. ]
You're going to be my best man.
no subject
[The man who stands beside him at the end of the aisle. That's right.]
I really don't believe you at all...
[Let him know that first.]
But sure. I would be.
no subject
[ Are you saying he can't find a wife, Odasaku, because you're right if so. Not here anyway.
He's sulking now in the most melodramatic way possible now as he leans against Odasaku, folding his arms. ]
You're right. I'm going to be left at the altar...
[ And he's taking out his phone and texting BB, dragging out the process. Look at what you did, Odasaku. ]
hehe we can wrap here