[ Maybe if he could understand that sentiment better, it would be easier. Dazai always wants to die though. He's always just pushing the day of his death back, because he's too smart, because instincts kick in, because he finds some reason; often, that reason has been as simple as having a place to go back to. He'd think of something he wanted to share, or become aware that it'd be one of the usual nights, or any other number of things. That "you're a fool if you don't go there" place.
Dazai can't though. He can only understand how others respond to it, and just that such a reaction is more bothering coming from some than others. ]
I do. I'll stand by that decision. Even if I were to leave now, it wouldn't be going back to being the eighteen-year-old Port Mafia executive. It would be a twenty-two year old detective.
The stars don't disappear because the sun shines brighter than them and the lights of the city dim them, nor because clouds block our view of them. My story has been told, whether or not I have the memories of it. If I decided that I do not want to go back, then I do not want to.
[ That's not to say that he would rethink it if not for that fact, but that he had no desire to is telling. There's only so much that changes. Dazai was still empty. If he thinks he found the world to be more pleasant, he still had no real reason to live. He was still happier here than there.
Those are the sentiments that he remembers. Dazai sees no need to doubt it. It's already too late for anything to change, and he doesn't even know what it would be. He has an idea, as he always does, but it's not something he's willing to commit his full attention to just yet.
In any event, this is nothing more than a memory.
Besides, he's enjoyed their time together here. If he were more in tune with his emotions perhaps that's what would come to mind, but as it is, he settles for what he does. ]
I'm going to stay as long as you do, Odasaku... But I've never thought of the Port Mafia as a ball and chain.
[ But he was an Executive, so maybe that's only natural. This isn't "freedom," because he's not really trapped here either; he can die anytime. It's just an extension of living. It's not really meant as a judgment, just a comment. He's no more attached to it than anything, able to come and go as he pleases. ]
cw: suicide talk
Dazai can't though. He can only understand how others respond to it, and just that such a reaction is more bothering coming from some than others. ]
I do. I'll stand by that decision. Even if I were to leave now, it wouldn't be going back to being the eighteen-year-old Port Mafia executive. It would be a twenty-two year old detective.
The stars don't disappear because the sun shines brighter than them and the lights of the city dim them, nor because clouds block our view of them. My story has been told, whether or not I have the memories of it. If I decided that I do not want to go back, then I do not want to.
[ That's not to say that he would rethink it if not for that fact, but that he had no desire to is telling. There's only so much that changes. Dazai was still empty. If he thinks he found the world to be more pleasant, he still had no real reason to live. He was still happier here than there.
Those are the sentiments that he remembers. Dazai sees no need to doubt it. It's already too late for anything to change, and he doesn't even know what it would be. He has an idea, as he always does, but it's not something he's willing to commit his full attention to just yet.
In any event, this is nothing more than a memory.
Besides, he's enjoyed their time together here. If he were more in tune with his emotions perhaps that's what would come to mind, but as it is, he settles for what he does. ]
I'm going to stay as long as you do, Odasaku... But I've never thought of the Port Mafia as a ball and chain.
[ But he was an Executive, so maybe that's only natural. This isn't "freedom," because he's not really trapped here either; he can die anytime. It's just an extension of living. It's not really meant as a judgment, just a comment. He's no more attached to it than anything, able to come and go as he pleases. ]